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   PastimesLaughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke


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From: Stan10/21/2019 9:34:17 PM
1 Recommendation   of 60525
 
(Apologies if this is a repeat)

A notorious criminal goes to the local Roman Catholic priest and says, "Father, I will give $1,000,000 to your church if you will say the eulogy for my brother, but you must make him out to be a saint."

The priest thinks for a long moment, and agrees.

At the service, the priest says, "Before us lies a man who was a murderer, kidnapper and extortionist. He lived every waking moment plotting some new atrocity against society. It is to our great relief that he no longer lives among us."

"But, compared to his brother, this man was a saint!"

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From: TimF10/24/2019 10:19:34 AM
1 Recommendation   of 60525
 
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
reddit.com

Comments that were posted in reply to that

meatballboy
46 points · 2 hours ago
i wouldnt date a communist bc youd never have any personal space

sirdafiga
7 points · 58 minutes ago
She'd take your stuff and say "its ours"

Kekscalibur
11 points · 26 minutes ago
I just call that marriage.

Talik1978
650 points · 2 hours ago
Communism jokes are not funny unless everyone gets them, comrade.

mistermajik2000
0 points · 1 hour ago
Her sharing herself equally with everyone would have been a red flag.
Her graduating high school on the “five year plan” would have been another.

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From: Savant10/26/2019 1:28:00 PM
8 Recommendations   of 60525
 
When Insults Had Class....





These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, "said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

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From: Joachim K10/27/2019 12:07:15 AM
2 Recommendations   of 60525
 
A large group of ISIS soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters". The ISIS commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters". Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences, after 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand ISIS fighters". The enraged ISIS Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought, then silence.

Eventually one wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap, there’s two of them!

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From: TimF10/28/2019 5:14:51 PM
7 Recommendations   of 60525
 

youtube.com

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To: TimF who wrote (59817)10/28/2019 7:12:22 PM
From: TimF
   of 60525
 
Another smaller clip from Yes Minister -

A Politician's Logic

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From: TimF10/29/2019 6:09:24 PM
   of 60525
 
Simpsons Jokes I Didn't Get As A Kid

youtube.com

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From: Sun Tzu10/30/2019 8:55:21 PM
2 Recommendations   of 60525
 
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will eventually mature.

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To: Sun Tzu who wrote (59820)10/30/2019 11:15:41 PM
From: Stephen O
2 Recommendations   of 60525
 
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It

was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell

him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for

money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies,

what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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From: OldAIMGuy10/31/2019 12:32:55 PM
   of 60525
 
Happy Halloween! Here's a song for the Season:

youtube.com

Voice as sweet as candy.....

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