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   PastimesLaughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke

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From: TimF10/18/2019 8:30:35 AM
1 Recommendation   of 60374
Teacher was wrong

I was always told in school I wouldn’t get paid to look out a window... I’m a truck driver

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To: Jeffrey S. Mitchell who wrote (59792)10/18/2019 2:53:07 PM
From: Fast Eddie
1 Recommendation   of 60374
I guess I can unblock him now. RIP

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From: left-over man10/19/2019 12:25:14 PM
1 Recommendation   of 60374
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".

This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik
enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".

This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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To: TimF who wrote (59799)10/19/2019 12:32:55 PM
From: left-over man
   of 60374
Dangerfield: "Hey Doc, every time I look in the mirror I puke. "

"What's wrong with me?"

Doctor: "I don't know but your eyesight is fine."

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To: Goose94 who wrote (59786)10/20/2019 3:34:10 PM
From: Goose94
2 Recommendations   of 60374

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From: TimF10/21/2019 6:18:18 PM
3 Recommendations   of 60374
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
This has left scientists scratching their heads.

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From: Stan10/21/2019 9:34:17 PM
1 Recommendation   of 60374
(Apologies if this is a repeat)

A notorious criminal goes to the local Roman Catholic priest and says, "Father, I will give $1,000,000 to your church if you will say the eulogy for my brother, but you must make him out to be a saint."

The priest thinks for a long moment, and agrees.

At the service, the priest says, "Before us lies a man who was a murderer, kidnapper and extortionist. He lived every waking moment plotting some new atrocity against society. It is to our great relief that he no longer lives among us."

"But, compared to his brother, this man was a saint!"

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From: TimF10/24/2019 10:19:34 AM
1 Recommendation   of 60374
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags

Comments that were posted in reply to that

46 points · 2 hours ago
i wouldnt date a communist bc youd never have any personal space

7 points · 58 minutes ago
She'd take your stuff and say "its ours"

11 points · 26 minutes ago
I just call that marriage.

650 points · 2 hours ago
Communism jokes are not funny unless everyone gets them, comrade.

0 points · 1 hour ago
Her sharing herself equally with everyone would have been a red flag.
Her graduating high school on the “five year plan” would have been another.

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From: Savant10/26/2019 1:28:00 PM
8 Recommendations   of 60374
When Insults Had Class....

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, "said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

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From: Joachim K10/27/2019 12:07:15 AM
2 Recommendations   of 60374
A large group of ISIS soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters". The ISIS commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters". Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences, after 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand ISIS fighters". The enraged ISIS Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought, then silence.

Eventually one wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap, there’s two of them!

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