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   PastimesLaughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke


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To: sandintoes who wrote (14892)6/7/2000 1:42:00 PM
From: John Carragher
   of 59863
 
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and
in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the
aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started
to sing in
a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all
the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow
up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother
asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's
sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the
Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that
if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you
weren't warned."

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To: John Carragher who wrote (14893)6/7/2000 2:16:00 PM
From: The Rabbit
   of 59863
 
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

My mom tells me I did this during a tour of Carlsbad Caverns when I was about 1. There's a point where the guide turns off all the lights to show us all how dark it gets. Then he lights a candle. Apparently I had the guide so flustered that he had to quietly go over the whole tour again until he got to where he left us off.

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To: The Rabbit who wrote (14894)6/7/2000 3:43:00 PM
From: Mike 2.0
   of 59863
 
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

My mom tells me I did this during a tour of Carlsbad Caverns when I was about 1. There's a point where the guide turns off all the lights to show us all how dark it gets. Then he lights a candle. Apparently I had the guide so flustered that he had to quietly go over the whole tour again until he got to where he left us off.


With reference to old successful Budweiser ad series from late '80s:

If you really wanted to rattle the guide, you should've said, "Hey I wanted a BUD Light!"

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To: Barney who wrote (14889)6/7/2000 3:53:00 PM
From: Mike 2.0
   of 59863
 
Re:"Minimizing Caloric Intake by Situational Combinations"

Also, broken Pepperidge Farm cookies are OK too, because the calories have escaped from the broken cookies.

This is true with all varieties of bakery bread as well: date nut bread, blueberry bread, etc., once "broken" and allowed to breathe for a few moments. In fact, this is where the expression "to break bread together" came from: it is a gesture of friendship to break the bread apart, thus removing the calories, before serving it.

And of course dieticians agree that anything eaten during a "coffee break" is calorie-free too. Especially if you "break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar" :-)

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To: sandintoes who wrote (14892)6/7/2000 8:15:00 PM
From: Edwarda
1 Recommendation   of 59863
 
> >My Oath to you
> >
> >When you are sad,......I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge

> >against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad
> >
> >When you are scared,....... I will laugh at you and tease you about
> >it every chance I get
> >
> >When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could

> >be and to quit complaining.
> >
> >When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it
> >to your dumb ass.
> >
> >And when you are lost,........I will answer my cell phone and give
> >you directions.
> >
> >When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage
> >to the porcelain god.
> >
> >When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass
> >
> >This is my oath.......I pledge till the end.
> >
> >Why you may ask?......Because you're my friend. And the whole reason

> >people have friends is to have fun and its not too much fun being a
> >shining beacon all the time.

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To: Phil(bullrider) who wrote (14882)6/7/2000 8:33:00 PM
From: Edwarda
1 Recommendation   of 59863
 
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created:

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden
because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and
hand
him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf
when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for
him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or
haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage
on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able
to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he
left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God
caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam,
He stepped back, scratched his head, and said,
"I can do better than that!"

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To: idol breaker who wrote (14851)6/7/2000 8:40:00 PM
From: Edwarda
2 Recommendations   of 59863
 
> > YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST
> >
> > 1. If you believe you are supposed to take a covered
dish to
> > heaven.
> > 2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
> > 3. If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
> > 4. If you think that someone who says "amen" while
> > the pastor is preaching is charismatic.
> > 5. If you complain because your pastor only works one
day a
> > week and then he works too long.
> > 6. If you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty
all
> > week.
> > 7. If you woke up craving fried chicken one morning and
> > interpreted it as a call to preach.
> > 8. If you are old enough to get Senior Citizen's
discounts
> > at the pharmacy, but not old enough to be promoted into
the
> > Senior Adult Department.
> > 9. If you think the epistles are probably the apostle's
> > wives.
> > 10. If you think the Holy Land is Nashville.
> > 11. If you think God's presence is always strongest in
the
> > back three pews.
> > 12. If you think John the Baptist founded the Southern
> > Baptist Convention.
> > 13. If you think "Victory in Jesus" is the
> > national anthem.
> > 14. If the first complete sentence you uttered was
> > "We've never done it this way before."
> > 15. If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount
of
> > sweat worked up by the preacher.
> > 16. If your definition of "fellowship" has
> > something to do with food.
> > 17. If you honestly believe the apostle Paul spoke King
> > James English.
> > 18. If you think worship service music has to be loud.
> > 19. If you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice
and
> > unsalted crackers.
> > 20. If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots
> > with the Catholics.

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To: idol breaker who wrote (14851)6/7/2000 8:48:00 PM
From: Edwarda
2 Recommendations   of 59863
 
> > > > A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
> > > >
> > > > > On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
> > > >
> > > > > gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How
> > > >
> > > > > can that be if you've been married ten times?"
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
> > > >
> > > > > me how great it was going to be.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure
> > > >
> > > > > how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and
> > > >
> > > > > get back to me.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked
> > > >
> > > > > out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
> > > >
> > > > > order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process
> > > >
> > > > > but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
> > > >
> > > > > state-of-the-art method.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he
> > > >
> > > > > knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product,
> > > >
> > > > > he was never sure how to position it.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God,
> > > >
> > > > > I miss him!
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > ...But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > "Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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To: Edwarda who wrote (14900)6/7/2000 9:02:00 PM
From: idol breaker
   of 59863
 
The thread states, "Laughter Is The Best Medicine..Tell Us A Joke". It says nothing about not taking your medicine. Len

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To: Edwarda who wrote (14897)6/7/2000 9:18:00 PM
From: sandintoes
   of 59863
 
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.>

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

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