| From: Tomato | 2/13/2025 1:03:42 PM | | | | | | A man every time he smokes, he always smokes 2 cigarettes at the same time
And then one of his friends asks “Why do you always smoke two cigarettes at the same time?”
The man replies: “My brother is in prison, he told me to smoke a cigarette instead of him every time i smoke one for myself”
After some time his friend sees him smoking one cigarette and not two he becomes surprised and asks him “Why is it? Has your brother been freed from prison?”
The man replies: “Nah man, I decided to quit.”
—
Oscar Wilde:
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Be yourself; everyone else is taken.
With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.
The best way to enjoy your job is to imagine yourself without one.
Nature: a place where birds fly around uncooked.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Cats are put on earth to remind us that not everything has a purpose.
A pessimist is somebody who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Marriage is a long, dull meal with dessert served at the beginning.
The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh; otherwise they'll kill you.
If you cannot prove a man wrong, don't panic. You can always call him names.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he won't expect it back.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Life is too short to learn German.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit. |
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| From: Tomato | 2/13/2025 5:28:01 PM | | | | | | What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
The August 1945 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
—
The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."
The guy was fuming.
"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.
"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.
I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.
—
What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
The Halfback of Notre Dame.
—
A third grade teacher asked her class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.”
The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.” After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin’ batteries like there’s no tomorrow!” |
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| From: Tomato | 2/13/2025 11:24:13 PM | | | | | | From Prairie Home Companion:
A man was visiting a farm and watching the farmer milk his cow. The farmer grabbed the cows teat and squeezed, at which point the cow let a big one rip.
"Is your cow from North Dakota?" asked the visitor?
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because my wife does the exact same thing, and she's from North Dakota.”
—
A short and curly history of the merkin:
Comedy terrorist Aaron Barschak has another claim to fame - he's put the merkin back in the spotlight.
Before his royal gatecrash, the prankster amused crowds and cameramen outside Windsor Castle by lifting his pink ball gown to reveal a luxuriant, black pubic wig - making him the latest in a long history of merkin-wearers.
The Oxford Companion To The Body traces the merkin back to 1450, a time when the bidet was a distant prospect and personal hygiene fell well short of the mark. Pubic lice were common - so some women, fed up with the constant itching, just shaved the lot off and then covered their modesty with a merkin.
Prostitutes, too, were frequent wearers. In the days before penicillin, it didn't take long to become infected with sexually transmitted diseases. They knew it was no work, no pay, and didn't want to scare the customers off with their syphilitic pustules and gonorrhoeal warts. So the merkin was used as a prosthesis to cover up a litany of horrors.
The Oxford Companion recounts an amusing tale of one gentleman who procured the disease-riddled merkin of a prostitute, dried it, gave it a good comb and then presented it to a cardinal, telling him he had brought him St Peter's beard. Some prostitutes even used them to give their nether regions a bit of razzle-dazzle. So a natural brunette could offer differing collars and cuffs to demanding customers.
These days, merkins are largely the preserve of sexual fetishists - although the Oxford Companion notes that this piece of "female finery" is also an "essential piece of the serious drag queen's wardrobe". They can be made from nylon, human hair or even yak's belly, depending on what the erotic dabbler enjoys feeling against her skin. And they're either woven on to a mesh and stuck on with spirit gum, or attached to a transparent G-string.
"I know a bit about merkins, but I don't know anyone who wears one and won't be designing one myself," says Red or Dead founder Wayne Hemingway. "I can't see them making a comeback, but it is a bloody good word."
Would-be wearers will struggle to find any merkin retailers. "We're not 100% sure our customers would buy into the merkin," says Ann Summers spokesman Philip Tooney. "The trend at the moment is less is more - with the 'full Brazilian' and the 'landing strip' proving popular."
But fanny fashion can be fickle. And if there is a return to the dense undergrowths often seen in 70s porn flicks, then the waxed, electrolysed women of today may be reaching for a merkin until nature restores their full glory.
Gareth Francis |
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| From: Tomato | 2/14/2025 3:52:04 PM | | | | | | I stole an infant from a stripper.
It was like taking baby from a Candy.
—
What do you call abortions in Prague?
Cancelled Czechs.
—
A vagina is a lot like a university.
They're both easier to get into if you're rich or an athlete.
—
A child finds a dildo in her mother’s drawer.
He takes it downstairs to her and says, "Mummy, what is this?"
She looks at it, in shock. She hesitates and says, "It's a tool that I use in...the garden...whenever I'm digging."
He says, "Oh. So that's why it's brown then.” |
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| From: Tomato | 2/15/2025 1:32:11 PM | | | | | | Doctor: “Let’s start with there good news:
Your son will always find an available parking place.”
—
My friend told me he has 3 testicles.
It takes a lot of balls to admit something like that.
—
What do sex and pizza have in common?
It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.
—
What’s sadder than children in Africa?
Youth in Asia.
—
Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a young girl.
"Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing fornicating with that girl? She looks like she's in high school”
Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson" |
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| From: Tomato | 2/15/2025 9:22:42 PM | | | | | | Co-worker nicknames:
Kitkat.........always taking a break
Butter knife....... Not the sharpest member of the team
Motion light...... Only works when somebody is walking past
E.T......... Always wants to go home
Seaweed...... Floats around and does nothing
Lantern....... Not bright, and has to be carried
Deck chair........ folds under pressure
G-spot........Can never be found
Birthday cake...... Everybody gets a piece
Pothole.........Best to avoid
SAM........ self appointed manager
Hubble..... Sits around and stares into space.
—
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?”
—
Doctor: Have you had a check-up recently?
Polish woman: "No. Just a couple of Hungarians and an Estonian.” |
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| From: Tomato | 2/16/2025 4:40:34 AM | | | | | | Pick-Up Lines
I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you
seen one?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
—
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you
get pregnant from anal intercourse?”
"Certainly," replies the doctor,
"Where do you think lawyers come from?”
—
What did Princess Diana die of?
Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Volvo? Diana wouldn't
be seen dead in a Volvo!
What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car
smash?
Was Fergie with her?
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a
passer-by said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog."
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes
What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring? Aren't we
moving a bit too fast?
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? Because he was the only old queen there who cared.
By the way, Elton John is now set to make a tribute record for Mother
Teresa...
'Sandals in the Bin'
What was the last thing Di said to Dodi? These paparazzi are driving
me up the wall
What does Diana's bumper sticker say?
My other car's a decoy.
What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
Leeches fall off after you die.
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di
Why didn't Dodi's Dad have the mausoleum heated?
'Cause Dodi already had a radiator in his chest. |
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| From: Tomato | 2/16/2025 2:53:10 PM | | | | | | What’s the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia it’s a misdemeanor.
—
My priest is homophobic. Kind of surprising for
a man who spends his nights on his knees,
begging for another man to come for a second time.
—
How can you tell if a Chinese man has been in your house?
Your cat's missing, your computer's fixed, and he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
—
A buddhist goes to a barber. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost.
The next day the barber finds a gold statue of buddha on the steps of his shop.
A priest goes to the barber to get his hair cut. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost.
The next day the barber finds a well woven cloak on the steps of his shop.
A rabbi goes to the barber to get his hair cut. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost.
The next day he finds a dozen rabbi on the steps of his shop. |
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| From: Tomato | 2/17/2025 1:05:39 PM | | | | | | Charles de Gaulle and his wife Madame de Gaulle were at a dinner party and someone asked the lady, "Madame, what do you most want out of life?"
Madame de Gaulle thought about it and answered, "A penis."
After a moment of shocked silence, Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "I believe zey pronounce it, happiness.”
—
Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids. It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.
—
A man walks into a bookstore and asks the clerk where the self-help books are.
The clerk responds: If I told you that, wouldn't it defeat the purpose?
—
Drinking your own urine is supposed to be good for you.
Bullshit. I threw my back out. |
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| From: Tomato | 2/17/2025 4:32:49 PM | | | | | | Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber.
—
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang my room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”
—
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
—
What do we want?
– More acronyms.
When do we want them?
– A.S.A.P. |
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