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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato	2/7/2025 2:38:51 PM
	of 6280

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Thank God. — My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister’s panties. It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward. -- What did the Jewish pedophile say to the child? “Wanna buy some candy?” -- Jewish nymphomaniac: A woman who will have sex on the same day that she has her hair done. - Why are so many Jewish girls single? They're waiting for Dr. Right.

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From: Tomato	2/8/2025 1:27:19 PM
	of 6280

What do the Super Bowl and a doctor's office have in common? Aaron Rodgers won't get a shot at either one. — What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl ? They turn off their PlayStations. — What’s a chicken’s favorite pool game? Marco Pollo. — A male passenger exposed himself to a stewardess when he entered the plane. "I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub.” — Wife: "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300.” Husband: "What would mine go for?” Wife: "They were giving ones like yours away for free.” Husband: "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000.” Wife: "How about mine?” Husband: "That was where they were holding the auction.”

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From: Tomato	2/8/2025 10:42:55 PM
	of 6280

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left. I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now, Lorraine has gone. — What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles. — I just found out that archeologists were recently digging at the Pyramids and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

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From: Tomato

2/9/2025 2:46:27 PM

I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.

I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.

So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.

That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of juice that you can access through a crack.

Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.

Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters C, N, T, and U.

My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!

—

What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?


A sunken chest with no booty. — After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, “You know, you’re easily the biggest I’ve ever had.” Apparently, “Ditto” wasn’t the correct response. - Jobs that don’t exist any more: 1. Steve —
A new study has shown that Vietnamese couples are the happiest of them all. Because very often, it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation for everyone.

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From: Tomato	2/9/2025 11:00:51 PM
	of 6280

Why did the psychotherapy patient like to run so much? Because he had ten issues. — What was the man who crushed recycled soda cans for a living so sad. Because his job was soda pressing. — Did you hear about the prolific deer molester? He felt like a million bucks. — A girl walks into a laundromat. She puts her dress in a machine and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!”. She says, "No it was tomato sauce this time.”

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From: Tomato	2/10/2025 2:37:18 PM
	of 6280

What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank ? After you make a deposit in a sperm bank, you lose interest. — Taylor Swift hoped Travis Kelce would propose to her following the Chief’s victory at the Super Bowl. Turns out neither of them is getting a ring. — I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice... done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail... that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person... yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you... Aha! 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment... well darn! 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished... Oh, no - not again! 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND"... and I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE"... Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." Hmmm..... Have I sent this to you already ?

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From: Tomato	2/10/2025 4:57:42 PM
	of 6280

Did you hear about the man who supplied drugs to seabirds? He left no tern unstoned. — How many ears does Capt. Kirk have? 3: His left ear. His right ear. And the final front ear. — A man working at the mint was charged with a federal criminal for masturbating on the pennies. He was acquitted by a jury due to lack of evidence. The prosecutor showed no common sense. [take your time]

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From: Tomato	2/11/2025 2:11:41 AM
	of 6280

"Therefore," said the minister, "if anyone knows why these two may not lawfully be joined in Holy Matrimony, you must now speak, or else forever hereafter hold your peace." Into the customary silence there dropped the click of a pair of lady's shoes on the stone tiles of the aisle. Everyone turned to see the beautiful young woman with a small infant in her arms walking forward from the back of the church. The hush became deeper. The bride burst into tears and slapped the groom across the face. The bride's mother gave a despairing wail and collapsed in a dead faint. The bride's father gave a snort like an enraged bull, tore off his jacket and handed it to the matron of honour, and balled his sizeable fists. The groomsmen looked from one to another in confusion, while the groom himself could only stare in stunned disbelief. The minister croaked hoarsely, "What is it, young lady?" "---Could you turn your microphone on, please? We can't hear at the back," she said softly. — Why don’t gay people sink? Because they're flamboyant. — What did the 7 dwarves say when Snow White woke up? "Looks like we're back to jerking off again”. — My proctologist has me use ferns to clean out my system. His motto is: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

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From: Tomato	2/11/2025 1:23:08 PM
	of 6280

What do you call an obnoxious financial advisor? A fidouchiary. — My colleague: "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower." Me: "No, just your daughter's head.” - Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!'' Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ''Did you get these marks having sex?'' Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ''I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen”. — Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.

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From: Tomato	2/11/2025 7:58:16 PM
	of 6280

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear people shouting, "Come on My Face.” — She was only: - a violinist's daughter, but when she took off her G-string all the boys fiddled. - an undertaker's daughter, but any guy cadaver. - a photographer's daughter, but she was really well developed. - a surgeon's daughter, but she knew how to operate. - a blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead. - a baseball pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves. - a minister's daughter, but I wouldn't put anything pastor. - a meteorologist's daughter, but she had a warm front. — The teacher asked the class, “Name a forgotten explorer." "Internet Explorer.", I replied.

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