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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato	2/10/2025 2:37:18 PM
	of 6274

What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank ? After you make a deposit in a sperm bank, you lose interest. — Taylor Swift hoped Travis Kelce would propose to her following the Chief’s victory at the Super Bowl. Turns out neither of them is getting a ring. — I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice... done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail... that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person... yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you... Aha! 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment... well darn! 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished... Oh, no - not again! 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND"... and I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE"... Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." Hmmm..... Have I sent this to you already ?

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From: Tomato	2/10/2025 4:57:42 PM
	of 6274

Did you hear about the man who supplied drugs to seabirds? He left no tern unstoned. — How many ears does Capt. Kirk have? 3: His left ear. His right ear. And the final front ear. — A man working at the mint was charged with a federal criminal for masturbating on the pennies. He was acquitted by a jury due to lack of evidence. The prosecutor showed no common sense. [take your time]

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From: Tomato	2/11/2025 2:11:41 AM
	of 6274

"Therefore," said the minister, "if anyone knows why these two may not lawfully be joined in Holy Matrimony, you must now speak, or else forever hereafter hold your peace." Into the customary silence there dropped the click of a pair of lady's shoes on the stone tiles of the aisle. Everyone turned to see the beautiful young woman with a small infant in her arms walking forward from the back of the church. The hush became deeper. The bride burst into tears and slapped the groom across the face. The bride's mother gave a despairing wail and collapsed in a dead faint. The bride's father gave a snort like an enraged bull, tore off his jacket and handed it to the matron of honour, and balled his sizeable fists. The groomsmen looked from one to another in confusion, while the groom himself could only stare in stunned disbelief. The minister croaked hoarsely, "What is it, young lady?" "---Could you turn your microphone on, please? We can't hear at the back," she said softly. — Why don’t gay people sink? Because they're flamboyant. — What did the 7 dwarves say when Snow White woke up? "Looks like we're back to jerking off again”. — My proctologist has me use ferns to clean out my system. His motto is: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

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From: Tomato	2/11/2025 1:23:08 PM
	of 6274

What do you call an obnoxious financial advisor? A fidouchiary. — My colleague: "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower." Me: "No, just your daughter's head.” - Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!'' Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ''Did you get these marks having sex?'' Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ''I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen”. — Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.

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From: Tomato	2/11/2025 7:58:16 PM
	of 6274

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear people shouting, "Come on My Face.” — She was only: - a violinist's daughter, but when she took off her G-string all the boys fiddled. - an undertaker's daughter, but any guy cadaver. - a photographer's daughter, but she was really well developed. - a surgeon's daughter, but she knew how to operate. - a blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead. - a baseball pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves. - a minister's daughter, but I wouldn't put anything pastor. - a meteorologist's daughter, but she had a warm front. — The teacher asked the class, “Name a forgotten explorer." "Internet Explorer.", I replied.

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From: Tomato	2/12/2025 12:07:55 PM
	of 6274

Bob Hope's wife said to him, "Bob, we talked to the President, and you can be buried at Arlington, or you can be buried at the Catholic cemetery in the valley. What do you think?" Hope said, "Surprise me.” — "I think our dog is getting a bit deaf," said the woman. "Nonsense," said the man. "Watch this: Fido, sit!" "Told you." "Oh, okay. I'll clean it up.” — What do you call a Mexican that hates protein powder? No Whey Jose.

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From: Tomato	2/13/2025 1:03:42 PM
	of 6274

A man every time he smokes, he always smokes 2 cigarettes at the same time And then one of his friends asks “Why do you always smoke two cigarettes at the same time?” The man replies: “My brother is in prison, he told me to smoke a cigarette instead of him every time i smoke one for myself” After some time his friend sees him smoking one cigarette and not two he becomes surprised and asks him “Why is it? Has your brother been freed from prison?” The man replies: “Nah man, I decided to quit.” — Oscar Wilde: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Be yourself; everyone else is taken. With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone. The best way to enjoy your job is to imagine yourself without one. Nature: a place where birds fly around uncooked. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Cats are put on earth to remind us that not everything has a purpose. A pessimist is somebody who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks. Marriage is a long, dull meal with dessert served at the beginning. The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him. If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh; otherwise they'll kill you. If you cannot prove a man wrong, don't panic. You can always call him names. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he won't expect it back. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Life is too short to learn German. Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

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From: Tomato	2/13/2025 5:28:01 PM
	of 6274

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The August 1945 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. — The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas." The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged. "Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling. I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha. — What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? The Halfback of Notre Dame. — A third grade teacher asked her class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat things. The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.” The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.” Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.” After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.” “Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin’ batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

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From: Tomato	2/13/2025 11:24:13 PM
	of 6274

From Prairie Home Companion: A man was visiting a farm and watching the farmer milk his cow. The farmer grabbed the cows teat and squeezed, at which point the cow let a big one rip. "Is your cow from North Dakota?" asked the visitor? "No. Why do you ask?" "Because my wife does the exact same thing, and she's from North Dakota.” — A short and curly history of the merkin: Comedy terrorist Aaron Barschak has another claim to fame - he's put the merkin back in the spotlight. Before his royal gatecrash, the prankster amused crowds and cameramen outside Windsor Castle by lifting his pink ball gown to reveal a luxuriant, black pubic wig - making him the latest in a long history of merkin-wearers. The Oxford Companion To The Body traces the merkin back to 1450, a time when the bidet was a distant prospect and personal hygiene fell well short of the mark. Pubic lice were common - so some women, fed up with the constant itching, just shaved the lot off and then covered their modesty with a merkin. Prostitutes, too, were frequent wearers. In the days before penicillin, it didn't take long to become infected with sexually transmitted diseases. They knew it was no work, no pay, and didn't want to scare the customers off with their syphilitic pustules and gonorrhoeal warts. So the merkin was used as a prosthesis to cover up a litany of horrors. The Oxford Companion recounts an amusing tale of one gentleman who procured the disease-riddled merkin of a prostitute, dried it, gave it a good comb and then presented it to a cardinal, telling him he had brought him St Peter's beard. Some prostitutes even used them to give their nether regions a bit of razzle-dazzle. So a natural brunette could offer differing collars and cuffs to demanding customers. These days, merkins are largely the preserve of sexual fetishists - although the Oxford Companion notes that this piece of "female finery" is also an "essential piece of the serious drag queen's wardrobe". They can be made from nylon, human hair or even yak's belly, depending on what the erotic dabbler enjoys feeling against her skin. And they're either woven on to a mesh and stuck on with spirit gum, or attached to a transparent G-string. "I know a bit about merkins, but I don't know anyone who wears one and won't be designing one myself," says Red or Dead founder Wayne Hemingway. "I can't see them making a comeback, but it is a bloody good word." Would-be wearers will struggle to find any merkin retailers. "We're not 100% sure our customers would buy into the merkin," says Ann Summers spokesman Philip Tooney. "The trend at the moment is less is more - with the 'full Brazilian' and the 'landing strip' proving popular." But fanny fashion can be fickle. And if there is a return to the dense undergrowths often seen in 70s porn flicks, then the waxed, electrolysed women of today may be reaching for a merkin until nature restores their full glory. Gareth Francis

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From: Tomato	2/14/2025 3:52:04 PM
	of 6274

I stole an infant from a stripper. It was like taking baby from a Candy. — What do you call abortions in Prague? Cancelled Czechs. — A vagina is a lot like a university. They're both easier to get into if you're rich or an athlete. — A child finds a dildo in her mother’s drawer. He takes it downstairs to her and says, "Mummy, what is this?" She looks at it, in shock. She hesitates and says, "It's a tool that I use in...the garden...whenever I'm digging." He says, "Oh. So that's why it's brown then.”

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