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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato	2/4/2025 12:12:13 PM
	1 Recommendation of 6274

A boy asks his mom why he’s black and she’s white. She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark.” — The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 100 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $500. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $500 The blonde put the $500 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5. — How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

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From: Tomato	2/5/2025 1:04:47 PM
	1 Recommendation of 6274

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love. They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!” — A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?” He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.” The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?” He replied, “Yeah, a few times.” She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?” “Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.” — What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it'll develop a culture. — What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that went, “Tick, tick, tick?” "Vee haf vays to make you tock?”

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From: Tomato	2/5/2025 9:08:25 PM
	of 6274

My next door neighbor is bulimic. She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For heaven's sake, keep it down!” — Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies. — The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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From: Tomato	2/6/2025 12:34:07 PM
	of 6274

What did the man with an average size penis say while getting a blow job? "You suck a mean dick.” — Why does the bar assn. prohibit lawyers from having sex with clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service. — Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane? Oz Moses

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From: Tomato	2/7/2025 3:10:21 AM
	of 6274

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen. — A Russian man lived all alone in a remote cabin One day, someone from the government showed up and told him due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact it's actually a part of Belarus. "Oh thank God!" the man exclaimed. “ I don't think I can take another Russian winter!” — Went in for a checkup today and the doctor cupped my testicles and told me to cough. I think it’s time to start looking for a new dentist.

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From: Tomato	2/7/2025 2:38:51 PM
	of 6274

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Thank God. — My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister’s panties. It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward. -- What did the Jewish pedophile say to the child? “Wanna buy some candy?” -- Jewish nymphomaniac: A woman who will have sex on the same day that she has her hair done. - Why are so many Jewish girls single? They're waiting for Dr. Right.

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From: Tomato	2/8/2025 1:27:19 PM
	of 6274

What do the Super Bowl and a doctor's office have in common? Aaron Rodgers won't get a shot at either one. — What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl ? They turn off their PlayStations. — What’s a chicken’s favorite pool game? Marco Pollo. — A male passenger exposed himself to a stewardess when he entered the plane. "I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub.” — Wife: "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300.” Husband: "What would mine go for?” Wife: "They were giving ones like yours away for free.” Husband: "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000.” Wife: "How about mine?” Husband: "That was where they were holding the auction.”

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From: Tomato	2/8/2025 10:42:55 PM
	of 6274

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left. I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now, Lorraine has gone. — What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles. — I just found out that archeologists were recently digging at the Pyramids and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

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From: Tomato

2/9/2025 2:46:27 PM

I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.

I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.

So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.

That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of juice that you can access through a crack.

Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.

Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters C, N, T, and U.

My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!

—

What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?


A sunken chest with no booty. — After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, “You know, you’re easily the biggest I’ve ever had.” Apparently, “Ditto” wasn’t the correct response. - Jobs that don’t exist any more: 1. Steve —
A new study has shown that Vietnamese couples are the happiest of them all. Because very often, it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation for everyone.

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From: Tomato	2/9/2025 11:00:51 PM
	of 6274

Why did the psychotherapy patient like to run so much? Because he had ten issues. — What was the man who crushed recycled soda cans for a living so sad. Because his job was soda pressing. — Did you hear about the prolific deer molester? He felt like a million bucks. — A girl walks into a laundromat. She puts her dress in a machine and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!”. She says, "No it was tomato sauce this time.”

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