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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato	1/28/2025 9:00:42 PM
	of 6280

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards! — Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist. — Q: Why was the fruit saleswoman so successful? A: Because she had a nice pear. — Who killed Jesus and then said "Aaaar, Matey”? Pontius Pirate.

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From: Tomato	1/29/2025 1:51:23 PM
	of 6280

Bet you didn't know this: Koi fish travel in groups of 4 for safety. Kois A,B,and C flee the trouble, leaving behind the D koi. — Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming. — What do you call a Japanese sociopath who is unaffected by others’ deaths: Unbereavable. — Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here? Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? Grim Reaper: You should've forwarded that chain e-mail. — I’m going to open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes. It's called Twenty Pho Seven.

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From: Tomato	1/30/2025 12:12:59 PM
	1 Recommendation of 6280

We’re now 2 days into the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Snake, but I’m still writing Year of the Dragon on my checks.

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From: Tomato	1/30/2025 1:19:35 PM
	of 6280

What do Australians and wetting your pants in the basement have in common? They're both incontinence down under. — My wife left me because I spent our life savings on penis enlargement. She just couldn't take it any longer. — What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman. — Did you hear about the French-style Chilean winery that features a varietal red with notes of both rebellion and authoritarianism? It’s called Pinot Chez.

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From: Tomato	1/31/2025 1:39:06 PM
	of 6280

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied. Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?” "Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.” — Why did the Amish girl keep getting pregnant? Too many Mennonite. — What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.

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From: Tomato	1/31/2025 7:20:32 PM
	of 6280

AAAAA: For people who are driven to drink. — What’s an unlucky day for a dyslexic person? Friday the 31st. — Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

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From: Tomato

2/1/2025 1:41:15 PM

My Labrador ate the engagement ring I was going to propose to my girlfriend with.

I guess it is now a diamond in the ruff.

(Maybe you'll be able to find it through the process of elimination)

—

My doctor used 2 fingers during my prostate exam.
He said he needed a second opinion.
—
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

Not everyone has been in a limousine.
—

A woman was trying to breastfeed her son on a bus.
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on her mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."

An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"

Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago.”
—
A man and his hook-up are lying together in bed after sex.
All of a sudden, she starts fondling his balls,

Feeling good about himself he asks her,

"Are you that excited for round two?"

She replies,

"No, it's just that your balls…."

"What about em?"

"They're making me miss mine.”

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From: Tomato	2/2/2025 2:28:46 PM
	of 6280

A photographer is exploring Vatican City, but then pops in quickly to a public toilet. He opens the toilet stall door and sees The Pope, rigourously masturbating. Instinctively, just as The Pope orgasms, the photographer snaps a picture. The Pope closes his gown, and says: "No, please! I don't normally do this! Don't show that photo to anyone! I'll give you 1,000,000 Euros if you give me that camera right now!" The photographer thinks for a moment and agrees. The Pope transfers the money, takes the camera, and deletes the image. After heading back to his chambers, he figures that now he owns a high-end professional camera, he may as well put it to good use. On a trip to London, The Pope is taking photos of Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, and The London Eye with his new camera. The driver says: "That's a nifty looking camera. How much did that cost you?" "1,000,000 Euros." The Pope sighs. "1,000,000 Euros?!?" The driver replies, "Whoever sold you that must have seen you coming!"

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From: Tomato	2/2/2025 2:41:34 PM
	of 6280

A blonde goes to a chain restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!” The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!” The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!” By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize! Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!” The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL.” — An African-American guy hooked up with a woman from Thailand. It was a real black-Thai affair. — Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat. Once they finished eating, they said, “Chickpeas!” — Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night. Bad: I was home schooled. Worse: by my dad. — A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the excitement has gone out of their marriage. "Remember when you use to carry me up to bed?", she asked. "Yes," he replied, “But to be fair, you were only six at the time!” --- The ski resort I go to was robbed last night of $500. The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.

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From: Tomato	2/3/2025 11:42:58 AM
	of 6280

I had to cancel my appointment at the impotence clinic today. Something came up. — An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied. — As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her panties. “Hey perv!!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?” “That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, miss,” I said sternly. “I don’t fucking work here.” — What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a greyhound? The greyhound waits for the hare to come out.

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