| From: Tomato | 2/1/2025 1:41:15 PM | | | | | | My Labrador ate the engagement ring I was going to propose to my girlfriend with.
I guess it is now a diamond in the ruff.
(Maybe you'll be able to find it through the process of elimination)
—
My doctor used 2 fingers during my prostate exam.
He said he needed a second opinion.
—
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everyone has been in a limousine.
—
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son on a bus.
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on her mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago.”
—
A man and his hook-up are lying together in bed after sex.
All of a sudden, she starts fondling his balls,
Feeling good about himself he asks her,
"Are you that excited for round two?"
She replies,
"No, it's just that your balls…."
"What about em?"
"They're making me miss mine.” |
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/2/2025 2:28:46 PM | | | | | | A photographer is exploring Vatican City, but then pops in quickly to a public toilet.
He opens the toilet stall door and sees The Pope, rigourously masturbating. Instinctively, just as The Pope orgasms, the photographer snaps a picture. The Pope closes his gown, and says:
"No, please! I don't normally do this! Don't show that photo to anyone! I'll give you 1,000,000 Euros if you give me that camera right now!"
The photographer thinks for a moment and agrees. The Pope transfers the money, takes the camera, and deletes the image. After heading back to his chambers, he figures that now he owns a high-end professional camera, he may as well put it to good use.
On a trip to London, The Pope is taking photos of Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, and The London Eye with his new camera. The driver says:
"That's a nifty looking camera. How much did that cost you?"
"1,000,000 Euros." The Pope sighs.
"1,000,000 Euros?!?" The driver replies, "Whoever sold you that must have seen you coming!" |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/2/2025 2:41:34 PM | | | | | | A blonde goes to a chain restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize.
She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!”
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!”
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL.”
—
An African-American guy hooked up with a woman from Thailand.
It was a real black-Thai affair.
—
Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat.
Once they finished eating, they said, “Chickpeas!”
—
Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night.
Bad: I was home schooled.
Worse: by my dad.
—
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the excitement has gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you use to carry me up to bed?", she asked.
"Yes," he replied, “But to be fair, you were only six at the time!”
---
The ski resort I go to was robbed last night of $500.
The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips. |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/3/2025 11:42:58 AM | | | | | | I had to cancel my appointment at the impotence clinic today.
Something came up.
—
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
—
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her panties.
“Hey perv!!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?”
“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, miss,” I said sternly. “I don’t fucking work here.”
—
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a greyhound?
The greyhound waits for the hare to come out. |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/3/2025 8:08:14 PM | | | | | | What’s the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self?
Single ply toilet paper.
—
A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.”
—
| A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.”
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car.
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?”
"No," replied the blonde, “Why would I? It only has 51,000 miles on it." | | -- |
Just watched legally blonde and my girlfriend asked if I’d fuck Reece Witherspoon
I said I’d love to but I’d rather use my penis.
I said I’d love to but I’d rather use my penis.
—
—
-- |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/4/2025 12:12:13 PM | | | | | | A boy asks his mom why he’s black and she’s white.
She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark.”
—
The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offers her 100 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $500.
The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $500
The blonde put the $500 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.
—
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories. |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/5/2025 1:04:47 PM | | | | | | Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake.
The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake.
They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry.
"Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!”
—
A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?” He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.”
The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?”
He replied, “Yeah, a few times.”
She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”
“Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
—
What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it'll develop a culture.
—
What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that went, “Tick, tick, tick?”
"Vee haf vays to make you tock?” |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/5/2025 9:08:25 PM | | | | | | My next door neighbor is bulimic.
She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For heaven's sake, keep it down!”
—
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
—
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'. |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/6/2025 12:34:07 PM | | | | | |
What did the man with an average size penis say while getting a blow job?
"You suck a mean dick.”
—
Why does the bar assn. prohibit lawyers from having sex with clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
—
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
Oz Moses |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 2/7/2025 3:10:21 AM | | | | | | Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Amen.
—
A Russian man lived all alone in a remote cabin
One day, someone from the government showed up and told him due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact it's actually a part of Belarus.
"Oh thank God!" the man exclaimed. “ I don't think I can take another Russian winter!”
—
Went in for a checkup today and the doctor cupped my testicles and told me to cough.
I think it’s time to start looking for a new dentist.
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| |
