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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato	1/26/2025 1:47:49 PM
	of 6274

Why do so many medical facilities have fish tanks in their waiting rooms ? They make people feel relaxed, due to the indoor fins. — I’m afraid of spiders from the Middle East. My doctor says it's Iraqnaphobia. — A Chinese baby was born prematurely. His parents named him Sudden Lee. — Adam and Eve were walking thru the Garden of Eden. Eve asked, "Adam, do you still love me?” "Of course honey! Who else could I love?” — Which blood type was created by mistake? Type O. — What’s the best thing about an Ethiopian blow job? They always swallow.

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From: Tomato	1/26/2025 10:06:42 PM
	of 6274

Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors? They're all Veteran Aryans. — A reporter goes to interview a man who turned 110 and asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life." The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason." The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right.” — Marriage is like a three ring circus: There is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. — A native American indian is talking to his psychiatrist He tells him "Doc, I dont know what is wrong with me. One moment I think I'm a teepee, the next I think I'm a wigwam." The doctor says "Ah, I think I see your problem. You're too tense.” — A millionaire enters the town of Klon, Alaska. Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner. "How much to own this place?" He asks. The owner responds: “Not for sale. I need to go, I've got customers waiting." The millionaire, not wanting to miss an investment, grabs the owners arm as he turns to go and says “Wait, I'll do anything to own this place!" The owner turns back to him slowly and says... "What would you do for a Klon dyke bar?”

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From: Tomato	1/27/2025 12:01:20 PM
	of 6274

Date: “Good evening. I'm here to pick up Mary for our date." Father: "Just wanted to be sure you knew my daughter has acute angina.” Date: "I know sir. And great boobs, too.” — Everyone always complains Americans don't use the metric system That's not true, they always use 9mm in schools. — Irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch. — I can’t believe I’m getting arrested for making sexual advances toward my boss. It probably doesn't help that I'm self-employed and my office overlooks a playground.

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From: Tomato	1/27/2025 7:00:23 PM
	of 6274

I was in psychology class yesterday and we couldn't stop laughing about how stupid Pavlov's dog were. Then the bell rang and we all had lunch — New winter resort for men with ED: Lake Flaccid. — Why can’t blondes finish software updates? Because they can never find the "any" key. — What’s the difference between Christopher Columbus and Jack Daniel’s? Jack Daniel's is still killing Indians.

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From: Tomato

1/28/2025 12:59:18 PM

Anthropologist have found a tribe of people who never get angry.

They’re called nomads.

—

The owner of the Jewish bakery raised the price on his bread, but when his customers complained

about it he said the prices were the same as always.

He was a challah cost denier.

—



Why are white people the scariest people in prison?
Because you know they're guilty. - Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music. - What’s my wife’s favorite day for sex? Tomorrow. - What’s the difference between Batman and Blackman? Batman can go to the store without Robin. - Who’s the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. - I went into the bank to set up a "Transvestite Account.” They asked me to provide proof of a dress.

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From: Tomato	1/28/2025 9:00:42 PM
	of 6274

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards! — Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist. — Q: Why was the fruit saleswoman so successful? A: Because she had a nice pear. — Who killed Jesus and then said "Aaaar, Matey”? Pontius Pirate.

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From: Tomato	1/29/2025 1:51:23 PM
	of 6274

Bet you didn't know this: Koi fish travel in groups of 4 for safety. Kois A,B,and C flee the trouble, leaving behind the D koi. — Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming. — What do you call a Japanese sociopath who is unaffected by others’ deaths: Unbereavable. — Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here? Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? Grim Reaper: You should've forwarded that chain e-mail. — I’m going to open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes. It's called Twenty Pho Seven.

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From: Tomato	1/30/2025 12:12:59 PM
	1 Recommendation of 6274

We’re now 2 days into the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Snake, but I’m still writing Year of the Dragon on my checks.

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From: Tomato	1/30/2025 1:19:35 PM
	of 6274

What do Australians and wetting your pants in the basement have in common? They're both incontinence down under. — My wife left me because I spent our life savings on penis enlargement. She just couldn't take it any longer. — What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman. — Did you hear about the French-style Chilean winery that features a varietal red with notes of both rebellion and authoritarianism? It’s called Pinot Chez.

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From: Tomato	1/31/2025 1:39:06 PM
	of 6274

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied. Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?” "Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.” — Why did the Amish girl keep getting pregnant? Too many Mennonite. — What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.

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