| From: Tomato | 10/4/2024 11:57:43 AM | | | | | | I was in town today and saw a homeless man dressed like Henry VIII
I thought that's not right, beggars can't be Tudors.
—
There is a mythical creature in the Scottish countryside who terrorizes people by ringing their doorbells.
The Knock Less Monster.
—
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!”
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| From: Tomato | 10/8/2024 2:24:13 PM | | | | | | A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
—
A: A framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Q: What is the worst gift you can get a person with OCD?
—
A gang of bank robbers ordered the staff to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor. A nervous blonde pulled off her clothes but lay on her back.
"Turn over, Mandy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not the office party." |
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| From: Tomato | 10/10/2024 1:26:38 PM | | | | | | According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s emanations change to a blue-green color right before they die.
Cyan aura. |
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| From: Tomato | 10/11/2024 2:40:46 AM | | | | | | It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but, rather, was poisoned. During a sumptuous banquet which they both attended on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius' salad. (Thus making the world's first Caesar's salad - no, that's not the joke)
When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked, "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply:
"Ate two, Brute.”
—
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class.”
—
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, “How you doin?”
“Paddy says, “Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.”
They say, “Get away with ya…. prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs, “Paddy, both of em?”
Paddy shouts back, “Of course both of em, what’s the point of fuckin one?”
—
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| | | IF THEY HAD JEWISH MOTHERS:
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MONTHER
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?" |
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| From: Tomato | 10/11/2024 12:52:45 PM | | | | | | It was my birthday last week. My wife asked me if I wanted oral sex or a new pair of shoes. I went head over heels.
—
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering A minor.
—
7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children wh ile they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair st icking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet aren't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...' |
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| From: Tomato | 10/12/2024 2:37:41 AM | | | | | | What did the giraffe say when he walked in the bar?
"Hey guys, highballs on me!”
—
Why are there no casinos in China?
Because the Chinese hate Tibet.
—
A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, “Robert proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
”Because he also told me he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
—
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”
The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?” |
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| From: Tomato | 10/13/2024 2:07:32 PM | | | | | | Due to all the hurricanes, there is an acute toilet paper shortage and people are using newspapers instead.
Have to say——The Times are rough.
—
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr.. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far…"
—
Just keep in mind this was on live radio….
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No.
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.
Sara: All right.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.
DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?
Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.
DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Last question: where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!
Brian: NO, no she didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)
DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida. |
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| From: Tomato | 10/14/2024 5:57:01 AM | | | | | | Why do many Jews specifically listen to the music of Arnold Schoenberg on Yom Kippur?
Because it’s atonal.
—
Why do Jews often have the munchies during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?
They are the high holidays.
—
Why can't you catch Jewish folks on Yom Kippur?
Cuz they fast.
—
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. |
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| From: Tomato | 10/14/2024 6:05:47 AM | | | | | | The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said....
"What's for dinner, Zorro?”
—
One hot, dry summer day a big black bear walked into a bar in Baraboo, WI sat down and ordered a beer. The bar tender unfazed said "I'm sorry, we don't serve big black bears beers in Baraboo bars."
The bear gave a growl and said again "I want a beer!"
Still unfazed the bartender repeats himself "I'm sorry, we don't serve big black bears beers in Baraboo bars."
The bear points to a woman at the end of the bar and says "Watch this!" He then attacks her and swallow her almost whole. As he makes his way back he again growls "I WANT A BEER...NOW!"
Without batting an eye the bartender says in the same even tone "I'm sorry, we don't serve big black bears beers in Baraboo bars."
In disbelief the bear asked if he saw what he did to the woman and why he wasn't afraid the same thing would happen to him.
The bartender replied "I'm not afraid because you'll be asleep very soon."
The bear incredulously queried "How do you figure?"
To which the bartender smiled and told him "Because that was a bar bitch you ate!”
—
My body is a temple.
What I mean by that is, it looks and feels like something the Romans destroyed 2,500 years ago.
--
You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands.
One of them will have a wedding ring on it.
--
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is
when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers.”
--
So I was balls deep in this girl scout, right?
And all I could think about was: “How in the fuck am I going to pay for these cookies?”
--
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of silence.
—
Blonde Waitress
Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please?
Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead? |
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| From: Tomato | 10/14/2024 10:05:42 PM | | | | | | In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.
Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an
outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
—
One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county.
They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.
They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won’t let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.
The bull’s owner leans over to the cow’s owner and asks, ”Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?”
The cow’s owner, astonished, replies, “Yea, I did! How did you guess?”
“My wife is from Ft. Worth.”
—
When asked "what's under the Kilt" the Scotsman replied:
"On a good day....lipstick” |
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