| From: Tomato | 9/21/2024 2:32:57 PM | | | | | | Doctor, the embarrassed, man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day.
The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around.
Now, lie down, please.
Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either.”
—
The high school sex ed teacher walks in to class carrying a bag, he puts the bag down and says:
-"Today we're gonna learn how to put on a condom" and brings out a banana and a pack of condoms from the bag.
A student raises his hand and asks, "Why did you bring a banana?"
The teacher replies: -"I can't get an erection when I'm hungry.”
—
What do you get when you cross a joke with a non-sequitur?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 9/23/2024 1:21:01 PM | | | | | | I met my wife at a fancy costume party where, strangely, we were both dressed as dolphins.
We immediately clicked.
—
Have you ever wondered why
"abbreviation" is such a long word?
—
What do you call a green onion that loves hip hop?
A rapscallion.
—
I just passed my exam in origami.
I got an A+ when I turned the paper into the teacher.
—
Coincidentally, i just watched the World Origami Championship on TV.
It was paper view.
—
The advantage of Origami is two fold.
—
My dick is like a music festival
It’s burning, man.
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 9/26/2024 11:02:05 AM | | | | | | Ohio State's Ryan Ray on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his
grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on
Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
__________________________________________
How many LSU freshmen football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
__________________________________________
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed
yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse
and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
__________________________________________
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player
dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________
If three Florida football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
___________________________________________
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________
University of Michigan Coach Sherrone Moore is only going to dress
half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road. |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 9/27/2024 11:30:43 AM | | | | | | Two very old ladies are driving along and one says to the other, "Did you just run a stop sign"?
She replied, "Oh Shit! Am I driving”?
—
Breaking News: British actress Maggie Smith dies aged 89
McGonagall but not McForgottenagall
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 9/27/2024 7:38:51 PM | | | | | | My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke. No one found that humerus.
—
!
Dated a woman who told me she was bi.
Took me three weeks to realize she meant polar.
—
Honey, you won't believe it! The doctor says I'm a genius.
He said I've got da Mensa
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 9/29/2024 5:13:36 AM | | | | | | Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge.
Currently I am eating a yogurt called Debbie.
—
What's the best thing about dating a fortune teller on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
—
What happened to Helena Rubenstein?
Max Factor.
—
Some say that doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results is the definition of insanity
I just call it golf.
—
If I have a daughter I'm going to name her Miranda.
Because if she is anything like her mother, anything I say can and will be used against me.
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 9/30/2024 1:30:37 PM | | | | | | Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
Mary had a little lamb
—
Just brewed two batches of brew for lumberjacks and bellhops:
a lager and a porter.
—
Who was the first athlete to take a knee?
Tonya Harding.
—
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 10/3/2024 3:39:50 PM | | | | | | My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
—
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street
And they go by a church. There's a sign out front that says, "we'll give you 100 dollars to get baptized and be saved by Jesus."
The one guy smiles and says, "I'm going to do it. I mean hey, I'll be getting a hundred bucks just to take a bath."
The other guy thinks there must be some catch, so he says he'll wait outside. His friend goes into the church and comes back a few minutes later, dripping wet. He asks his friend, "so, did you get the hundred dollars?"
His friend says, "Is money all you people ever think about?”
—
Two Jewish assassins are in the Polish ghetto, and they are waiting to kill Hitler in a car he's reported to be in.
The car is meant to pass by them at midnight.
It gets to be midnight. And then 12:30. Then 1:30. Then 2:30.
Finally, one of them looks to the other and says, "God, I hope nothing happened to him.”
—
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common?
They both start at 12.
—
The self checkout lane was invented by
a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 10/4/2024 11:57:43 AM | | | | | | I was in town today and saw a homeless man dressed like Henry VIII
I thought that's not right, beggars can't be Tudors.
—
There is a mythical creature in the Scottish countryside who terrorizes people by ringing their doorbells.
The Knock Less Monster.
—
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!”
|
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| From: Tomato | 10/8/2024 2:24:13 PM | | | | | | A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
—
A: A framed picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Q: What is the worst gift you can get a person with OCD?
—
A gang of bank robbers ordered the staff to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor. A nervous blonde pulled off her clothes but lay on her back.
"Turn over, Mandy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not the office party." |
| | Jokes and Humor Only | Pastime Discussion ForumsShare | RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read |
|
| |
