SI
SI
discoversearch

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor.  We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community.  If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


Previous 10 Next 10 
From: Tomato9/14/2024 1:54:11 PM
   of 6167
 
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?”



Jewish film titles

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.

Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.

Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.

Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.

Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.

Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.

Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.

Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B’Av.

Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.

Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon

Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.

The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/20/2024 3:15:52 PM
   of 6167
 
Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal.

But it feels like a big pho queue.

That happened to me and I complained about it. The owner decided to banh mi from the restaurant.

--

Internet acronyms for old Jews:

OMG: "Oy, My Grandchildren!"

WTF: "What's today's fish?"

FWIW: "Forgot where I was!"

BTW: "Bring the wheelchair."

IMHO: "Is my hearing-aid on?"

ROTFL... CGU: Rolling on the floor laughing, and can't get up.

TGIF: "Thank God it's four. (As in early bird special.)

Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/20/2024 11:42:53 PM
   of 6167
 
Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal.

But it feels like a big pho queue.

When it happened to me and I complained about it, the owner decided to banh mi from the restaurant.

Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/21/2024 2:32:57 PM
   of 6167
 
Doctor, the embarrassed, man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day.

The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."

The woman obliged and removed her clothing.

"Okay, now turn all the way around.
Now, lie down, please.
Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."

While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.

"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either.”



The high school sex ed teacher walks in to class carrying a bag, he puts the bag down and says:

-"Today we're gonna learn how to put on a condom" and brings out a banana and a pack of condoms from the bag.

A student raises his hand and asks, "Why did you bring a banana?"

The teacher replies: -"I can't get an erection when I'm hungry.”



What do you get when you cross a joke with a non-sequitur?



You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/23/2024 1:21:01 PM
   of 6167
 
I met my wife at a fancy costume party where, strangely, we were both dressed as dolphins.

We immediately clicked.



Have you ever wondered why

"abbreviation" is such a long word?



What do you call a green onion that loves hip hop?

A rapscallion.



I just passed my exam in origami.

I got an A+ when I turned the paper into the teacher.



Coincidentally, i just watched the World Origami Championship on TV.

It was paper view.



The advantage of Origami is two fold.



My dick is like a music festival



It’s burning, man.


Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/26/2024 11:02:05 AM
   of 6167
 
Ohio State's Ryan Ray on one of his players:

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his
grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on
Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
__________________________________________

How many LSU freshmen football players does it take to change
a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
__________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed
yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse
and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
__________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player
dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Sherrone Moore is only going to dress
half of his players for the game this week;

the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/27/2024 11:30:43 AM
   of 6167
 
Two very old ladies are driving along and one says to the other, "Did you just run a stop sign"?

She replied, "Oh Shit! Am I driving”?



Breaking News: British actress Maggie Smith dies aged 89



McGonagall but not McForgottenagall




Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/27/2024 7:38:51 PM
   of 6167
 
My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke. No one found that humerus.


!
Dated a woman who told me she was bi.

Took me three weeks to realize she meant polar.



Honey, you won't believe it! The doctor says I'm a genius.



He said I've got da Mensa


Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/29/2024 5:13:36 AM
   of 6167
 
Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge.

Currently I am eating a yogurt called Debbie.



What's the best thing about dating a fortune teller on her period?

When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.



What happened to Helena Rubenstein?

Max Factor.



Some say that doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results is the definition of insanity

I just call it golf.



If I have a daughter I'm going to name her Miranda.



Because if she is anything like her mother, anything I say can and will be used against me.


Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read


From: Tomato9/30/2024 1:30:37 PM
   of 6167
 
Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she went to sleep

The sheep turned out to be a ram,

Mary had a little lamb



Just brewed two batches of brew for lumberjacks and bellhops:

a lager and a porter.



Who was the first athlete to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.



Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Share RecommendKeepReplyMark as Last Read
Previous 10 Next 10