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Pastimes Jokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato

9/12/2024 1:00:02 PM

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker.”

—

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied. "Actually I just heard it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

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From: Tomato	9/14/2024 1:54:11 PM
	of 6066

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?” — Jewish film titles Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners. Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening. Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach. Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes. Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox. Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah. Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off. Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B’Av. Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another. Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos. The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

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From: Tomato	9/20/2024 3:15:52 PM
	of 6066

Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal. But it feels like a big pho queue. That happened to me and I complained about it. The owner decided to banh mi from the restaurant. -- Internet acronyms for old Jews: OMG: "Oy, My Grandchildren!" WTF: "What's today's fish?" FWIW: "Forgot where I was!" BTW: "Bring the wheelchair." IMHO: "Is my hearing-aid on?" ROTFL... CGU: Rolling on the floor laughing, and can't get up. TGIF: "Thank God it's four. (As in early bird special.)

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From: Tomato	9/20/2024 11:42:53 PM
	of 6066

Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal. But it feels like a big pho queue. When it happened to me and I complained about it, the owner decided to banh mi from the restaurant.

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From: Tomato	9/21/2024 2:32:57 PM
	of 6066

Doctor, the embarrassed, man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas." The woman obliged and removed her clothing. "Okay, now turn all the way around. Now, lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on." While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either.” — The high school sex ed teacher walks in to class carrying a bag, he puts the bag down and says: -"Today we're gonna learn how to put on a condom" and brings out a banana and a pack of condoms from the bag. A student raises his hand and asks, "Why did you bring a banana?" The teacher replies: -"I can't get an erection when I'm hungry.” — What do you get when you cross a joke with a non-sequitur? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

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From: Tomato	9/23/2024 1:21:01 PM
	of 6066

I met my wife at a fancy costume party where, strangely, we were both dressed as dolphins. We immediately clicked. — Have you ever wondered why "abbreviation" is such a long word? — What do you call a green onion that loves hip hop? A rapscallion. — I just passed my exam in origami. I got an A+ when I turned the paper into the teacher. — Coincidentally, i just watched the World Origami Championship on TV. It was paper view. — The advantage of Origami is two fold. — My dick is like a music festival It’s burning, man.

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From: Tomato	9/26/2024 11:02:05 AM
	of 6066

Ohio State's Ryan Ray on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words." ___________________________________________ Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. ___________________________________________ What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool. __________________________________________ How many LSU freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course. __________________________________________ How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. ___________________________________________ Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?" ___________________________________________ A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. __________________________________________ What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? " "Will the defendant please rise." ___________________________________________ If three Florida football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer. ___________________________________________ How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck. ___________________________________________ What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. ___________________________________________ University of Michigan Coach Sherrone Moore is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves. ___________________________________________ How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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From: Tomato	9/27/2024 11:30:43 AM
	of 6066

Two very old ladies are driving along and one says to the other, "Did you just run a stop sign"? She replied, "Oh Shit! Am I driving”? — Breaking News: British actress Maggie Smith dies aged 89 McGonagall but not McForgottenagall

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From: Tomato	9/27/2024 7:38:51 PM
	of 6066

My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke. No one found that humerus. — ! Dated a woman who told me she was bi. Took me three weeks to realize she meant polar. — Honey, you won't believe it! The doctor says I'm a genius. He said I've got da Mensa

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From: Tomato	9/29/2024 5:13:36 AM
	of 6066

Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. Currently I am eating a yogurt called Debbie. — What's the best thing about dating a fortune teller on her period? When you finger her, you get your palm red for free. — What happened to Helena Rubenstein? Max Factor. — Some say that doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results is the definition of insanity I just call it golf. — If I have a daughter I'm going to name her Miranda. Because if she is anything like her mother, anything I say can and will be used against me.

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