| From: Tomato | 9/6/2024 8:26:23 PM | | | | | | Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.”
—
A man walks into his doctor's office
and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk.”
—
New Jewish Words
Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .
Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics (n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork |
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| From: Tomato | 9/7/2024 12:06:18 PM | | | | | | A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the
tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Humentash
on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also
wants him to put "Happy Purim" under the Humentash.
The guy does it and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Matzo tattoo
with "Happy Pesach" up on her left thigh. So the guy
does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo
artist asks "If you don't mind, could you tell me why
you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining
all the time that there's nothing good to eat between
Purim and Passover!”
—
TWO PRAWNS
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.
'I've found Cod. I'm a
Prawn again Kristian’
—
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over
to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberated it down the hall!
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to
deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the
stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of
darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one
thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't
even
remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?" |
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| From: Tomato | 9/8/2024 6:54:41 AM | | | | | | My wife said her gynecologist recognized her at the supermarket.
I told her she needs to start wearing longer skirts.
—
The young rabbi was an avid golfer.
Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, “This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”
“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”
—
After 20 years as a gynecologist my friend retrained as an airline pilot.
Before every flight he meticulously checks all the flaps.
—
I just had a UTI that stung horribly and made my urine come out cloudy, but I think the antibiotics finally took it out.
I can pee clearly now; the pain is gone.
|
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| From: Tomato | 9/12/2024 1:00:02 PM | | | | | | "Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker.”
—
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied. "Actually I just heard it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/14/2024 1:54:11 PM | | | | | | A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?”
—
Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B’Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/20/2024 3:15:52 PM | | | | | | Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal.
But it feels like a big pho queue.
That happened to me and I complained about it. The owner decided to banh mi from the restaurant.
--
Internet acronyms for old Jews:
OMG: "Oy, My Grandchildren!"
WTF: "What's today's fish?"
FWIW: "Forgot where I was!"
BTW: "Bring the wheelchair."
IMHO: "Is my hearing-aid on?"
ROTFL... CGU: Rolling on the floor laughing, and can't get up.
TGIF: "Thank God it's four. (As in early bird special.) |
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| From: Tomato | 9/20/2024 11:42:53 PM | | | | | | Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal.
But it feels like a big pho queue.
When it happened to me and I complained about it, the owner decided to banh mi from the restaurant. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/21/2024 2:32:57 PM | | | | | | Doctor, the embarrassed, man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day.
The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around.
Now, lie down, please.
Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either.”
—
The high school sex ed teacher walks in to class carrying a bag, he puts the bag down and says:
-"Today we're gonna learn how to put on a condom" and brings out a banana and a pack of condoms from the bag.
A student raises his hand and asks, "Why did you bring a banana?"
The teacher replies: -"I can't get an erection when I'm hungry.”
—
What do you get when you cross a joke with a non-sequitur?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
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| From: Tomato | 9/23/2024 1:21:01 PM | | | | | | I met my wife at a fancy costume party where, strangely, we were both dressed as dolphins.
We immediately clicked.
—
Have you ever wondered why
"abbreviation" is such a long word?
—
What do you call a green onion that loves hip hop?
A rapscallion.
—
I just passed my exam in origami.
I got an A+ when I turned the paper into the teacher.
—
Coincidentally, i just watched the World Origami Championship on TV.
It was paper view.
—
The advantage of Origami is two fold.
—
My dick is like a music festival
It’s burning, man.
|
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| From: Tomato | 9/26/2024 11:02:05 AM | | | | | | Ohio State's Ryan Ray on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his
grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on
Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
__________________________________________
How many LSU freshmen football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
__________________________________________
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed
yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse
and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
__________________________________________
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player
dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________
If three Florida football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
___________________________________________
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________
University of Michigan Coach Sherrone Moore is only going to dress
half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road. |
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