| From: Tomato | 8/28/2024 2:09:04 PM | | | | | | Baseball Funnies
Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.
Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.
Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ball park?
A. The switch-hitter.
Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.
Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.
Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.
Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.
Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.
Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.
Q. How would you feel if you ate home plate?
A. Homesick.
Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.
Q. Where do baseball players clean their bats?
A. In the bat-tub. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/28/2024 2:36:15 PM | | | | | | Conservative Christian rock band:
Guns and Moses
—
What do you call conservative moss?
Repub-lichen
—
My wife has been trying to get pregnant for some time now it’s been an emotional and trying time.
I got some good news however. It seems the problem isn’t on my side.
My sister in-law just told me she’s pregnant!
—
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike!
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.
—
Snoop Dogg got a cousin named Sniff Pusssy.
—
I've often thought about drowning my troubles
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
—
I'm here at Burning Man.
Last night was fucking in tents.
—
My wife sent me to the supermarket to get cucumbers, eggplant and carrots.
I also bought some K-Y Jelly so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/29/2024 1:35:28 PM | | | | | | Dinner party was very nice. Two lawyers and another dentist.
Best story – we were discussing dental malpractice insurance –one of the lawyers told us about a case he had to defend where a woman had her teeth bleached – and the dentist caused so much damage to her gums that she was unable to perform oral sex on
her husband. She lost the case.
—
The Catholic Priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree
and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replies, "My bike.”
—
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but
mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it
folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a
dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your
count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and
I'll show you a flat
minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down
under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it
t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at
large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen
a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair, she thought she'd
dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/30/2024 3:00:46 AM | | | | | |
GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
--- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston
Churchill (about Clement Attlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." --- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae
West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." ---
Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." ---
Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder |
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| From: Tomato | 8/30/2024 1:01:39 PM | | | | | | A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a
big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese
from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the
Mexican's feet!! Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other
things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling...............
THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!
—
What STD do you get from nasal sex?
Sniff-a-liss.
—
Teacher showed the class pictures of animals and ask for the name. She pick up one of a forest creature eating grass with antlers. Becky said "I know, it's Bambi.
No said the teacher, anyone else?
No one raise a hand so the teacher said "What does you mother call your Father?".
Johny Grossout stood and waved, the teacher said "Okay, what is it?"
Johnny said,"It's a horny bastard.”
—
Why did the Plain M&M go to the psychiatrist?
She had Peanuts Envy.
—
What were the consequences of Johann Sebastian Bach having 22 children?
He wore out three organs fuguing. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/31/2024 2:12:15 PM | | | | | |
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!" The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
--
Bill Nye's daughter who doesn't believe in science: Dee.
—
Q: Why does the sea roar?
A: You'd roar too, if you had crabs on your bottom!
—
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding
a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted
to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the
administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a
misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted and they Couldn't see the point; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead
body', while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, the Radiologists could see right through
it, and the Surgeons told them to just cut it out.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a
whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas but they wanted to sleep on it
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to
say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up
to some asshole in administration |
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| From: Tomato | 9/1/2024 9:39:13 PM | | | | | | I just read an article about how
they’re not making yard sticks any longer.
—
I knew a guy
who went through conversion therapy to become a woman.
Surgery, and all that.
Then he changed his mind, and had all the procedures reversed.
He is now transfixed.
—
I struggle with premature ejaculation, and have commitment issues.
Easy come, easy go. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/2/2024 1:10:11 PM | | | | | | A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.
"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant travelling…"
"The animals are trained." says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55 foot motor home that is equipped with a nursery.”
"How will you educate your child?”
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to teach all the subjects, as well as Mandarin and computer programming," explains the husband.
"And the nanny is certified in pediatric care, child welfare, and nutrition," the wife adds.
The social worker is impressed. "Well, you do seem perfect. What age were you looking to adopt?”
The husband says, "It really doesn't matter, as long as they fit in a cannon.”
—
Just arrived in Brazil and many of the English translations were spelled incorrectly. For example, "Taxi Rank" was spelled "Taksi Rank", and instead of "American Express" it said "American Ekspress". I was intrigued, so I asked the concierge at our hotel why that was.
Concierge: "Oh, yes sir, that's because X is now banned in our country” |
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| From: Tomato | 9/3/2024 1:36:13 AM | | | | | | Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them.
"That's us in ten years," he says.
His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, "That's a mirror." |
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| From: Tomato | 9/3/2024 12:59:55 PM | | | | | | A man was visiting a farm and watching the farmer milk his cow. The farmer grabbed the cows teat and squeezed, at which point the cow let a big one rip.
"Is your cow from North Dakota?" asked the visitor?
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because my wife does the exact same thing, and she's from North Dakota.”
—
What's an Amish woman's biggest fantasy?
Two Mennonite. |
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