| From: Tomato | 9/3/2024 1:36:13 AM | | | | | | Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them.
"That's us in ten years," he says.
His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, "That's a mirror." |
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| From: Tomato | 9/3/2024 12:59:55 PM | | | | | | A man was visiting a farm and watching the farmer milk his cow. The farmer grabbed the cows teat and squeezed, at which point the cow let a big one rip.
"Is your cow from North Dakota?" asked the visitor?
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because my wife does the exact same thing, and she's from North Dakota.”
—
What's an Amish woman's biggest fantasy?
Two Mennonite. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/3/2024 1:16:35 PM | | | | | | A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." |
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| From: Tomato | 9/4/2024 7:50:00 PM | | | | | | During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, a grade school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother's hair as auburn.
Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, "How do you know her hair color is auburn?"
Her student replied, "Because that's what it says on the box.”
—
What do you call a person who barely scraped through medical school?
Doctor. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/5/2024 12:59:32 PM | | | | | | A man tries on a made-to-order suit and says to the tailor,
“I need this sleeve taken in! It’s two inches too long!”
The tailor says, “No, just bend your elbow like this. See, it pulls up the sleeve.”
The man says, “Well, okay, but now look at the collar! When I bend my elbow, the collar goes halfway up the back of my head.”
The tailor says, “So? Raise your head up and back. Perfect.”
The man says, “But now the left shoulder is three inches lower than the right one!”
The tailor says, “No problem. Bend at the waist way over to the left and it evens out.”
The man leaves the store wearing the suit, his right elbow crooked and sticking out, his head up and back, all the while leaning down to the left.
The only way he can walk is with a herky-jerky, spastic gait.
Just then, two passersby notice him.
Says the first: “Look at that poor crippled guy. My heart goes out to him.”
Says the second: “Yeah, but his tailor must be a genius! That suit fits him perfectly!”
—
This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. |
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| From: Tomato | 9/6/2024 11:29:27 AM | | | | | |
Real Song Titles
1)She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
2)Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
3)If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life,
Then Number Two On You
4)If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
5)You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
6)Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
7)All My Exes Live in Texas
8)I Thought She Was Out Jogging,
But She Was Running Around On Me
9)If the Phone Don’t Ring, It’s Me Not Calling You Up
10)All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down
11)If Love were Oil, I’d be a Quart Low
12)Her Teeth were Stained, but her Heart was Pure
13)At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump
14)How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite Nobody But Me?
15)I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)
16)It Don’t Feel Like Sinnin’ To Me
17)I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue
18)If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
19)I Sat Down On a Beartrap (Just This Morning)
20)Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
21)Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
22)She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
23)Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
24)If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin,
Wonder Whose I’d Find On You
25)I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
26)Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
27)Gave Her My Heart And a Diamond
And She Clubbed Me With a Spade
28)I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
29)Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
30)There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ for You
31)It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night
that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
32)If Whiskey Were A Woman I’d Be Married For Sure
33)It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad
34)I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
35)C’mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You’re Too Old to Ride the Range
36)Don’t Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin’ My Spurs
37)Don’t Run Through The Screen Door Honey You’ll Only Strain Yourself
38)Forget the Night, Help Me Make It Through the Door
39)From The Indies To The Andes In His Undies
40)I Can’t Love Your Body if Your Heart’s Not In It |
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| From: Tomato | 9/6/2024 8:26:23 PM | | | | | | Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.”
—
A man walks into his doctor's office
and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk.”
—
New Jewish Words
Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .
Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics (n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork |
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| From: Tomato | 9/7/2024 12:06:18 PM | | | | | | A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the
tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Humentash
on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also
wants him to put "Happy Purim" under the Humentash.
The guy does it and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Matzo tattoo
with "Happy Pesach" up on her left thigh. So the guy
does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo
artist asks "If you don't mind, could you tell me why
you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining
all the time that there's nothing good to eat between
Purim and Passover!”
—
TWO PRAWNS
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.
'I've found Cod. I'm a
Prawn again Kristian’
—
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over
to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberated it down the hall!
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to
deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the
stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of
darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one
thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't
even
remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?" |
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| From: Tomato | 9/8/2024 6:54:41 AM | | | | | | My wife said her gynecologist recognized her at the supermarket.
I told her she needs to start wearing longer skirts.
—
The young rabbi was an avid golfer.
Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, “This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”
“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”
—
After 20 years as a gynecologist my friend retrained as an airline pilot.
Before every flight he meticulously checks all the flaps.
—
I just had a UTI that stung horribly and made my urine come out cloudy, but I think the antibiotics finally took it out.
I can pee clearly now; the pain is gone.
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| From: Tomato | 9/12/2024 1:00:02 PM | | | | | | "Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker.”
—
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied. "Actually I just heard it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife. |
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