| From: Tomato | 8/21/2024 7:21:00 PM | | | | | | Which dinosaur drove a Ford?
Broncosaurus.
—
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills,
California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted,
but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He
goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the
right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens. He's
really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put
them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he
sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.
He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator
is walking out of the door he says, "I'm glad you're happy with the
job.... By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little
boxes and left them on the table for you.”
—
Wal-Mart recently announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E & J Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable $2-5 price range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). |
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| From: Tomato | 8/22/2024 1:55:53 PM | | | | | | It’s been so long since I had sex, I can’t
remember who gets tied up.
—
This may sound a little racist….
But everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.
—
Why did Isaac Newton marry an obese woman?
Because the greater the mass the greater the attraction.
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| From: Tomato | 8/24/2024 1:11:19 PM | | | | | | Don Rickles walked into the restroom at a restaurant in LA, and saw his friend Frank Sinatra.
He told Frank he was with a date and wanted to impress her. He asked Frank if he could come and greet him at his table.
"No problem" said Frank and he went back to his table.
About ten minutes later Frank walked up to the table and said, "Hey Don, long time no see."
Without looking up, Rickles said, "Fuck off Frankie, can't you see I'm busy?
—
Jackie Mason said that Frank Sinatra saved his life once.
He said, "Okay boys, that's enough.”
—
One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money.
"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."
"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."
"That's a truly awful behavior," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession."
The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.
—
Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke that I sent ?
It was about a weak back. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/25/2024 12:40:48 AM | | | | | | But according to Stouffers Lasagna I am a family of four.
—
Some people think Lincoln was Jewish because John Wilkes Booth shot him in the temple.
—
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER (OR NOW )
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! |
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| From: Tomato | 8/25/2024 9:20:32 PM | | | | | | A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.'
The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.
The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep
The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/27/2024 2:50:23 AM | | | | | | My doctor told me that the radiation from my laptop has damaged my sperm.
I felt like letting him know how badly my sperm has damaged my laptop.
—
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students :
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
would
you say to her?
Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss”.
The teacher says :"That would be very rude and improper on your part”.
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in
a minute”.
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet''
during a meal, is unpleasant.”
And Johnnie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to
introduce to you after dinner.”
—
The pimp was playing golf with his posse of girls.
One sassy bitch was beating him and making him look bad, so he took out his piece, shot a ho and won. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/27/2024 1:29:14 PM | | | | | | Is there sex after death?
That's up to the coroner.
(The last time I tried that, I got the cold shoulder)
—
Italians, famous for their supercars have designed and built an entire car out of pasta in homage to their national cuisine. Engine body wheels electrical system, the entire thing is made of pasta and it's fully functional. But they can't drive it. The reason?
Gnocchi
They worried about getting al dente.
They tried to drive off, but they didn’t get farfalle.
—
I have just learnt Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs.
They are Inca hoots.
—
Recently a train derailed, releasing tons of laxatives into the water supply.
Residents were forced to evacuate.
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| From: Tomato | 8/28/2024 2:09:04 PM | | | | | | Baseball Funnies
Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.
Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.
Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ball park?
A. The switch-hitter.
Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.
Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.
Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.
Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.
Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.
Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.
Q. How would you feel if you ate home plate?
A. Homesick.
Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.
Q. Where do baseball players clean their bats?
A. In the bat-tub. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/28/2024 2:36:15 PM | | | | | | Conservative Christian rock band:
Guns and Moses
—
What do you call conservative moss?
Repub-lichen
—
My wife has been trying to get pregnant for some time now it’s been an emotional and trying time.
I got some good news however. It seems the problem isn’t on my side.
My sister in-law just told me she’s pregnant!
—
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike!
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.
—
Snoop Dogg got a cousin named Sniff Pusssy.
—
I've often thought about drowning my troubles
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
—
I'm here at Burning Man.
Last night was fucking in tents.
—
My wife sent me to the supermarket to get cucumbers, eggplant and carrots.
I also bought some K-Y Jelly so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/29/2024 1:35:28 PM | | | | | | Dinner party was very nice. Two lawyers and another dentist.
Best story – we were discussing dental malpractice insurance –one of the lawyers told us about a case he had to defend where a woman had her teeth bleached – and the dentist caused so much damage to her gums that she was unable to perform oral sex on
her husband. She lost the case.
—
The Catholic Priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree
and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replies, "My bike.”
—
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but
mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it
folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a
dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your
count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and
I'll show you a flat
minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down
under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it
t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at
large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen
a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair, she thought she'd
dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat. |
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