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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


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From: Tomato8/30/2024 3:00:46 AM
2 Recommendations   of 6016
 

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
--- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston
Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." --- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae
West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." ---
Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." ---
Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

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From: Tomato8/30/2024 1:01:39 PM
   of 6016
 
A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a
big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese
from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the
Mexican's feet!! Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other
things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling...............

THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!



What STD do you get from nasal sex?

Sniff-a-liss.



Teacher showed the class pictures of animals and ask for the name. She pick up one of a forest creature eating grass with antlers. Becky said "I know, it's Bambi.

No said the teacher, anyone else?

No one raise a hand so the teacher said "What does you mother call your Father?".

Johny Grossout stood and waved, the teacher said "Okay, what is it?"

Johnny said,"It's a horny bastard.”



Why did the Plain M&M go to the psychiatrist?

She had Peanuts Envy.



What were the consequences of Johann Sebastian Bach having 22 children?

He wore out three organs fuguing.

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From: Tomato8/31/2024 2:12:15 PM
1 Recommendation   of 6016
 

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!" The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

--

Bill Nye's daughter who doesn't believe in science: Dee.



Q: Why does the sea roar?

A: You'd roar too, if you had crabs on your bottom!

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding
a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted
to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling

about it, but the Neurologists thought the
administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a
misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted and they Couldn't see the point; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead

body', while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, the Radiologists could see right through
it, and the Surgeons told them to just cut it out.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a
whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas but they wanted to sleep on it
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to
say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up
to some asshole in administration

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From: Tomato9/1/2024 9:39:13 PM
   of 6016
 
I just read an article about how

they’re not making yard sticks any longer.



I knew a guy

who went through conversion therapy to become a woman.

Surgery, and all that.

Then he changed his mind, and had all the procedures reversed.

He is now transfixed.



I struggle with premature ejaculation, and have commitment issues.

Easy come, easy go.

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From: Tomato9/2/2024 1:10:11 PM
   of 6016
 
A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant travelling…"

"The animals are trained." says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55 foot motor home that is equipped with a nursery.”

"How will you educate your child?”

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to teach all the subjects, as well as Mandarin and computer programming," explains the husband.

"And the nanny is certified in pediatric care, child welfare, and nutrition," the wife adds.

The social worker is impressed. "Well, you do seem perfect. What age were you looking to adopt?”

The husband says, "It really doesn't matter, as long as they fit in a cannon.”


Just arrived in Brazil and many of the English translations were spelled incorrectly. For example, "Taxi Rank" was spelled "Taksi Rank", and instead of "American Express" it said "American Ekspress". I was intrigued, so I asked the concierge at our hotel why that was.

Concierge: "Oh, yes sir, that's because X is now banned in our country”

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From: Tomato9/3/2024 1:36:13 AM
   of 6016
 
Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them.

"That's us in ten years," he says.

His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, "That's a mirror."

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From: Tomato9/3/2024 12:59:55 PM
   of 6016
 
A man was visiting a farm and watching the farmer milk his cow. The farmer grabbed the cows teat and squeezed, at which point the cow let a big one rip.

"Is your cow from North Dakota?" asked the visitor?

"No. Why do you ask?"

"Because my wife does the exact same thing, and she's from North Dakota.”



What's an Amish woman's biggest fantasy?

Two Mennonite.

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From: Tomato9/3/2024 1:16:35 PM
   of 6016
 
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

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From: Tomato9/4/2024 7:50:00 PM
   of 6016
 
During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, a grade school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother's hair as auburn.

Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, "How do you know her hair color is auburn?"

Her student replied, "Because that's what it says on the box.”



What do you call a person who barely scraped through medical school?

Doctor.

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From: Tomato9/5/2024 12:59:32 PM
   of 6016
 
A man tries on a made-to-order suit and says to the tailor,

“I need this sleeve taken in! It’s two inches too long!”

The tailor says, “No, just bend your elbow like this. See, it pulls up the sleeve.”

The man says, “Well, okay, but now look at the collar! When I bend my elbow, the collar goes halfway up the back of my head.”

The tailor says, “So? Raise your head up and back. Perfect.”

The man says, “But now the left shoulder is three inches lower than the right one!”

The tailor says, “No problem. Bend at the waist way over to the left and it evens out.”

The man leaves the store wearing the suit, his right elbow crooked and sticking out, his head up and back, all the while leaning down to the left.

The only way he can walk is with a herky-jerky, spastic gait.

Just then, two passersby notice him.

Says the first: “Look at that poor crippled guy. My heart goes out to him.”

Says the second: “Yeah, but his tailor must be a genius! That suit fits him perfectly!”



This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

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