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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


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From: Tomato8/17/2024 1:56:18 PM
   of 6032
 
I'm not saying I'm forgetful,

but, oops, I forgot the punchline to this joke.



What do you call someone who has monkey pox but doesn’t realise it?

Achimptomatic.



Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?



Neither did she.


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From: Tomato8/18/2024 1:54:06 PM
   of 6032
 
I started singing the moment I boarded the plane

I was hoping my career would take off.



I read that most home burglaries are committed by men.

So I installed bra fasteners on my doors.



How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to screw the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

——

A cop stops a speeder :

" Your eyes are red. Have you been drinking?”

" Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

-------------

One of the pioneers of crossword puzzles died last week. They buried him 6 down and 3 across.

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From: Tomato8/21/2024 7:21:00 PM
   of 6032
 
Which dinosaur drove a Ford?

Broncosaurus.



A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills,
California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted,
but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He
goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the
right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens. He's
really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put
them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he
sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.

He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator
is walking out of the door he says, "I'm glad you're happy with the
job.... By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little
boxes and left them on the table for you.”



Wal-Mart recently announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E & J Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable $2-5 price range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

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From: Tomato8/22/2024 1:55:53 PM
   of 6032
 
It’s been so long since I had sex, I can’t

remember who gets tied up.



This may sound a little racist….

But everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.



Why did Isaac Newton marry an obese woman?



Because the greater the mass the greater the attraction.


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From: Tomato8/24/2024 1:11:19 PM
   of 6032
 
Don Rickles walked into the restroom at a restaurant in LA, and saw his friend Frank Sinatra.

He told Frank he was with a date and wanted to impress her. He asked Frank if he could come and greet him at his table.

"No problem" said Frank and he went back to his table.

About ten minutes later Frank walked up to the table and said, "Hey Don, long time no see."

Without looking up, Rickles said, "Fuck off Frankie, can't you see I'm busy?



Jackie Mason said that Frank Sinatra saved his life once.

He said, "Okay boys, that's enough.”



One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behavior," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession."

The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.



Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke that I sent ?

It was about a weak back.

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From: Tomato8/25/2024 12:40:48 AM
   of 6032
 
But according to Stouffers Lasagna I am a family of four.



Some people think Lincoln was Jewish because John Wilkes Booth shot him in the temple.


GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER (OR NOW )
1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

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From: Tomato8/25/2024 9:20:32 PM
1 Recommendation   of 6032
 
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game

'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.'

The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.

The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep

The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'

Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.

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From: Tomato8/27/2024 2:50:23 AM
   of 6032
 
My doctor told me that the radiation from my laptop has damaged my sperm.

I felt like letting him know how badly my sperm has damaged my laptop.



During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students :

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
would
you say to her?

Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss”.

The teacher says :"That would be very rude and improper on your part”.

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in
a minute”.

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet''
during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Johnnie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to
introduce to you after dinner.”



The pimp was playing golf with his posse of girls.
One sassy bitch was beating him and making him look bad, so he took out his piece, shot a ho and won.

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From: Tomato8/27/2024 1:29:14 PM
   of 6032
 
Is there sex after death?

That's up to the coroner.

(The last time I tried that, I got the cold shoulder)



Italians, famous for their supercars have designed and built an entire car out of pasta in homage to their national cuisine. Engine body wheels electrical system, the entire thing is made of pasta and it's fully functional. But they can't drive it. The reason?

Gnocchi

They worried about getting al dente.

They tried to drive off, but they didn’t get farfalle.



I have just learnt Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs.

They are Inca hoots.



Recently a train derailed, releasing tons of laxatives into the water supply.



Residents were forced to evacuate.


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From: Tomato8/28/2024 2:09:04 PM
   of 6032
 
Baseball Funnies

Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.

Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.

Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ball park?
A. The switch-hitter.

Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.

Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.

Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.

Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.

Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.

Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.

Q. How would you feel if you ate home plate?
A. Homesick.

Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.

Q. Where do baseball players clean their bats?
A. In the bat-tub.

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