| From: Tomato | 8/13/2024 1:30:44 PM | | | | | | Smokey Bear reminds you on his 80th birthday
that only you can prevent forest fires and that there's no "the" in his name.
—
COLONOSCOPIES before they used anesthesia:
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before.”
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. "Can you hear me NOW?”
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.”
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey....”
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!”
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
and THE best one 11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" |
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| From: Tomato | 8/14/2024 12:23:11 PM | | | | | | Just read a fascinating book about an immortal dog.
It was impossible to put down.
—
This week a Scots woman set a world record in sheep shearing after shearing 517 of them in nine hours.
Spectators say the record number would've been higher but the counting stopped when the judges fell asleep.
—
Putin, after 10 days of Kursk catastrophe, summons Stalin’s ghost
Stalin: “What’s happened?”
Putin: “Nazis are at Kursk! My army is beaten! What should I do?”
Stalin: “Do like me 1943. Send best Ukrainian troops to the front, and ask the US for arms” |
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| From: Tomato | 8/17/2024 1:56:18 PM | | | | | | I'm not saying I'm forgetful,
but, oops, I forgot the punchline to this joke.
—
What do you call someone who has monkey pox but doesn’t realise it?
Achimptomatic.
—
Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?
Neither did she.
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| From: Tomato | 8/18/2024 1:54:06 PM | | | | | | I started singing the moment I boarded the plane
I was hoping my career would take off.
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I read that most home burglaries are committed by men.
So I installed bra fasteners on my doors.
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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to screw the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis...I mean ladder.
——
A cop stops a speeder :
" Your eyes are red. Have you been drinking?”
" Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
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One of the pioneers of crossword puzzles died last week. They buried him 6 down and 3 across. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/21/2024 7:21:00 PM | | | | | | Which dinosaur drove a Ford?
Broncosaurus.
—
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills,
California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted,
but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He
goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the
right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens. He's
really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put
them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he
sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.
He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator
is walking out of the door he says, "I'm glad you're happy with the
job.... By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little
boxes and left them on the table for you.”
—
Wal-Mart recently announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E & J Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable $2-5 price range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). |
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| From: Tomato | 8/22/2024 1:55:53 PM | | | | | | It’s been so long since I had sex, I can’t
remember who gets tied up.
—
This may sound a little racist….
But everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.
—
Why did Isaac Newton marry an obese woman?
Because the greater the mass the greater the attraction.
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| From: Tomato | 8/24/2024 1:11:19 PM | | | | | | Don Rickles walked into the restroom at a restaurant in LA, and saw his friend Frank Sinatra.
He told Frank he was with a date and wanted to impress her. He asked Frank if he could come and greet him at his table.
"No problem" said Frank and he went back to his table.
About ten minutes later Frank walked up to the table and said, "Hey Don, long time no see."
Without looking up, Rickles said, "Fuck off Frankie, can't you see I'm busy?
—
Jackie Mason said that Frank Sinatra saved his life once.
He said, "Okay boys, that's enough.”
—
One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money.
"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."
"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."
"That's a truly awful behavior," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession."
The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.
—
Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke that I sent ?
It was about a weak back. |
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| From: Tomato | 8/25/2024 12:40:48 AM | | | | | | But according to Stouffers Lasagna I am a family of four.
—
Some people think Lincoln was Jewish because John Wilkes Booth shot him in the temple.
—
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER (OR NOW )
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! |
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