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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


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From: Tomato8/8/2024 2:26:07 PM
1 Recommendation   of 6016
 
Teacher: "What have you decided to draw ?"

Little Johnny: "I'm drawing God.”

Teacher: "But no one knows what God looks like.”

Johnny: "They will in a minute.”



The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?”



Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.



The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!”


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From: Tomato8/9/2024 3:43:55 PM
   of 6016
 
How does Gov. Rockefeller get up every morning?

Feeling Happy.
--
Who’s the worst carpenter in England?

Kristine Keeler….one screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.
--
What did John John get for Christmas?

A Jack-in-the-box.
--
What’ll it take to get the Beatles back together?

3 more bullets. (now it’s 2 more)
--
JFK jokes:

A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"

The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"



My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...
She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.



I just found out JFK was jewish.
He was shot in the temple.



What did JFK say about his multiple affairs?
"I did them not because they were easy, but because I was hard.”



There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

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From: Tomato8/10/2024 1:15:20 PM
1 Recommendation   of 6016
 
X rated songs:

youtube.com

youtube.com

youtube.com

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From: Tomato8/10/2024 2:39:40 PM
   of 6016
 
youtube.com

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From: Tomato8/13/2024 1:30:44 PM
   of 6016
 
Smokey Bear reminds you on his 80th birthday

that only you can prevent forest fires and that there's no "the" in his name.



COLONOSCOPIES before they used anesthesia:

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before.”

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. "Can you hear me NOW?”

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.”

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey....”

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!”

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

and THE best one 11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

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From: Tomato8/14/2024 12:23:11 PM
   of 6016
 
Just read a fascinating book about an immortal dog.

It was impossible to put down.



This week a Scots woman set a world record in sheep shearing after shearing 517 of them in nine hours.

Spectators say the record number would've been higher but the counting stopped when the judges fell asleep.



Putin, after 10 days of Kursk catastrophe, summons Stalin’s ghost

Stalin: “What’s happened?”

Putin: “Nazis are at Kursk! My army is beaten! What should I do?”

Stalin: “Do like me 1943. Send best Ukrainian troops to the front, and ask the US for arms”

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From: Tomato8/17/2024 1:56:18 PM
   of 6016
 
I'm not saying I'm forgetful,

but, oops, I forgot the punchline to this joke.



What do you call someone who has monkey pox but doesn’t realise it?

Achimptomatic.



Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?



Neither did she.


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From: Tomato8/18/2024 1:54:06 PM
   of 6016
 
I started singing the moment I boarded the plane

I was hoping my career would take off.



I read that most home burglaries are committed by men.

So I installed bra fasteners on my doors.



How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to screw the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

——

A cop stops a speeder :

" Your eyes are red. Have you been drinking?”

" Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

-------------

One of the pioneers of crossword puzzles died last week. They buried him 6 down and 3 across.

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From: Tomato8/21/2024 7:21:00 PM
   of 6016
 
Which dinosaur drove a Ford?

Broncosaurus.



A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills,
California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted,
but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He
goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the
right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens. He's
really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put
them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he
sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.

He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator
is walking out of the door he says, "I'm glad you're happy with the
job.... By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little
boxes and left them on the table for you.”



Wal-Mart recently announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E & J Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable $2-5 price range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

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From: Tomato8/22/2024 1:55:53 PM
   of 6016
 
It’s been so long since I had sex, I can’t

remember who gets tied up.



This may sound a little racist….

But everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.



Why did Isaac Newton marry an obese woman?



Because the greater the mass the greater the attraction.


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