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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato11/20/2021 10:15:38 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5929
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.

I hate Sprint!!

Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.

As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes.

Panda death fact:

Did you know that when a panda dies it actually gets bigger? It becomes an ex-panda.

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From: Tomato11/22/2021 4:46:59 PM
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From: Cogito Ergo Sum11/23/2021 7:19:13 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5929

Courtesy Sultan Message 33586940

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From: Tomato11/24/2021 12:41:18 PM
   of 5929
A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig.

"That's a very good pig, that", says the farmer. "He saved my son from a pack of wolves. He saved my wife from drowning in the river. He chased off thieves that were trying to steal my cows. Great pig."

"Right", said the gentleman, "but why does it have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Oh the wooden leg. Well, a pig that good - you don't eat it all at once.”

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?

The left fielder dropped a ball.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike had still gotten stolen.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today”

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From: TimF11/27/2021 3:56:05 PM
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From: Tomato11/27/2021 9:53:12 PM
   of 5929
My girlfriend recently had vaginal reconstruction

surgery, but she won't talk to me about it. She's being very tight lipped.

What do you call a gynecologist who really loves

his job? Ovary enthusiastic.

There's so much nudity online these days,

sometimes I just sit there and shake my fist.

What's the difference between sex and gender?

I don't remember having gender with your mom.

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face
Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada…

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From: Tomato11/29/2021 9:20:01 PM
   of 5929
Things to never say during sex:


Fire one !
You look better in the dark.
Are those real?
Is that smell coming from you?
You're so much like your sister
Don't touch that !
Don't'll spill my beer !


Just use your finger, it's bigger.
My mom taught me this.
But you just started !

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

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From: Tomato11/30/2021 1:52:02 PM
   of 5929
Me ( at massage parlor )

"How much do you charge to massage the genitals?”

Blonde masseuse: "Same as for the Jews.”

Difference between moms and dads.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them boys saying that, too?"

J: "Yes, ma'am."

M: "Well, don't let me catch you saying that either, but a bitch is a female dog."

Johnny knows something is up because mama ain't gonna get mad about cats and dogs, so he goes and asks his dad.

J: "Dad, what's a pussy?"

Dad pulls out a penthouse and draws a circle.

D: "That right there, son, that's a pussy"

J: "Well, what's a bitch?"

D: "Anything outside that circle.”

Why did the blonde man come inside the sock?

He wanted step kids.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

was about David Carradine.

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From: Tomato12/2/2021 1:57:34 PM
   of 5929
I love this time of year !

You can slam your laptop shut when your wife
walks into the room and you won't get any
disgusted looks !

A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”
The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”
So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”
The wife chooses a blowjob..
After a while of sucking she says “tastes like shit..”
The man says “well, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.
The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'
1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'
Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'
2nd qstn: 'What the square root of 100?'
Blonde: 'it's 10'
Final Qstn: 'Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Blonde Thinks about it & says: 'I don't know who killed him'
Srgt says: 'That's fine, just go home & think about it'
Blonde heads back home & picks up some books from her local library on the way back.
Her friend rings her the next day & says: 'How'd you go trying to join the police?'
Blonde says: 'It went really well, I'm already working on my first murder case…'

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From: TimF12/6/2021 10:57:45 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5929

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