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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato11/16/2021 12:43:06 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5929
Two priests are competing in a Bucking Bronco contest.

The first priest couldn't even last 30 seconds. However, the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies, "One of my altar boys is epileptic.”

Did you hear about Salvador Dali’s brother who was a really good boxer?

His name was Muhamma.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

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From: TimF11/19/2021 12:27:36 AM
   of 5929
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

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From: Tomato11/19/2021 6:06:40 PM
   of 5929
I went out on a date recently with my ideal woman. Highly educated, funny, compassionate, beautiful. When she told me she was a gynecologist, I knew she was the one for me.

She really checked a lot of boxes.

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From: Cogito Ergo Sum11/20/2021 8:21:20 AM
1 Recommendation   of 5929
Message 33582750

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From: Tomato11/20/2021 10:15:38 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5929
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.

I hate Sprint!!

Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.

As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes.

Panda death fact:

Did you know that when a panda dies it actually gets bigger? It becomes an ex-panda.

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From: Tomato11/22/2021 4:46:59 PM
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From: Cogito Ergo Sum11/23/2021 7:19:13 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5929

Courtesy Sultan Message 33586940

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From: Tomato11/24/2021 12:41:18 PM
   of 5929
A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig.

"That's a very good pig, that", says the farmer. "He saved my son from a pack of wolves. He saved my wife from drowning in the river. He chased off thieves that were trying to steal my cows. Great pig."

"Right", said the gentleman, "but why does it have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Oh the wooden leg. Well, a pig that good - you don't eat it all at once.”

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?

The left fielder dropped a ball.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike had still gotten stolen.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today”

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From: TimF11/27/2021 3:56:05 PM
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From: Tomato11/27/2021 9:53:12 PM
   of 5929
My girlfriend recently had vaginal reconstruction

surgery, but she won't talk to me about it. She's being very tight lipped.

What do you call a gynecologist who really loves

his job? Ovary enthusiastic.

There's so much nudity online these days,

sometimes I just sit there and shake my fist.

What's the difference between sex and gender?

I don't remember having gender with your mom.

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face
Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada…

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