| From: Tomato | 11/29/2021 9:20:01 PM | | | | | | Things to never say during sex:
Men:
Fire one !
You look better in the dark.
Are those real?
Is that smell coming from you?
You're so much like your sister
Don't touch that !
Don't squirm.................you'll spill my beer !
Women:
Just use your finger, it's bigger.
My mom taught me this.
But you just started !
—
A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”
She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!” |
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| From: Tomato | 11/30/2021 1:52:02 PM | | | | | | Me ( at massage parlor )
"How much do you charge to massage the genitals?”
Blonde masseuse: "Same as for the Jews.”
—
Difference between moms and dads.
Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"
She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.
J: "The boys at school were saying it"
M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."
J: "What's a bitch?"
M: " Them boys saying that, too?"
J: "Yes, ma'am."
M: "Well, don't let me catch you saying that either, but a bitch is a female dog."
Johnny knows something is up because mama ain't gonna get mad about cats and dogs, so he goes and asks his dad.
J: "Dad, what's a pussy?"
Dad pulls out a penthouse and draws a circle.
D: "That right there, son, that's a pussy"
J: "Well, what's a bitch?"
D: "Anything outside that circle.”
—
Why did the blonde man come inside the sock?
He wanted step kids.
—
Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’
was about David Carradine. |
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| From: Tomato | 12/2/2021 1:57:34 PM | | | | | | I love this time of year !
You can slam your laptop shut when your wife
walks into the room and you won't get any
disgusted looks !
—
A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”
The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”
So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”
The wife chooses a blowjob..
After a while of sucking she says “tastes like shit..”
The man says “well, the dog didn’t want to go either.”
—
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
—
A Blonde decides she want to join the police...
She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.
The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'
1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'
Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'
2nd qstn: 'What the square root of 100?'
Blonde: 'it's 10'
Final Qstn: 'Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Blonde Thinks about it & says: 'I don't know who killed him'
Srgt says: 'That's fine, just go home & think about it'
Blonde heads back home & picks up some books from her local library on the way back.
Her friend rings her the next day & says: 'How'd you go trying to join the police?'
Blonde says: 'It went really well, I'm already working on my first murder case…' |
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| From: Tomato | 12/6/2021 1:47:15 PM | | | | | | Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce.
Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack.
Just remember, however, it's a bit late in the year to expect a swallow!
—
What did one Australian Cyclops say to the other?
Good Eye mate!
—
Rejected Dr. Seuss books:
- The Grinch's Twelve Inches
- Horton Fakes an Orgasm
- My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
- Horton Hires a Ho
- Who Shat in the Hat?
- The Cat in the Blender
- Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
- One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch |
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| From: Tomato | 12/6/2021 10:10:50 PM | | | | | | A Jewish man named Saul Epstein owned a successful nail company. When he retires, he hands it over to his son-in-law. He then moves to Florida.
One day, he’s reading the NY Times and sees a full page ad with a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below are the words, “They Used Epstein Nails."
Furious, Saul calls this son-in-law and says, “Are you out of your mind? That’s no way to sell our product!’
The young man promises to fix everything, and a week later, Saul opens the NY Times and sees another full page ad. This one is a picture showing
an empty cross on a hill. In front of it is Jesus face down in the dust. On either side of him are 2 Roman soldiers along with the caption,
"They Didn’t Use Epstein Nails" |
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| From: Tomato | 12/7/2021 3:26:56 PM | | | | | | A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail.
She smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…” |
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