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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


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From: Tomato11/29/2021 9:20:01 PM
   of 5305
 
Things to never say during sex:

Men:

Fire one !
You look better in the dark.
Are those real?
Is that smell coming from you?
You're so much like your sister
Don't touch that !
Don't squirm.................you'll spill my beer !

Women:

Just use your finger, it's bigger.
My mom taught me this.
But you just started !



A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”



She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

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From: Tomato11/30/2021 1:52:02 PM
   of 5305
 
Me ( at massage parlor )

"How much do you charge to massage the genitals?”

Blonde masseuse: "Same as for the Jews.”



Difference between moms and dads.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them boys saying that, too?"

J: "Yes, ma'am."

M: "Well, don't let me catch you saying that either, but a bitch is a female dog."

Johnny knows something is up because mama ain't gonna get mad about cats and dogs, so he goes and asks his dad.

J: "Dad, what's a pussy?"

Dad pulls out a penthouse and draws a circle.

D: "That right there, son, that's a pussy"

J: "Well, what's a bitch?"

D: "Anything outside that circle.”



Why did the blonde man come inside the sock?



He wanted step kids.



Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’



was about David Carradine.

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From: Tomato12/2/2021 1:57:34 PM
   of 5305
 
I love this time of year !

You can slam your laptop shut when your wife
walks into the room and you won't get any
disgusted looks !



A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”
The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”
So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”
The wife chooses a blowjob..
After a while of sucking she says “tastes like shit..”
The man says “well, the dog didn’t want to go either.”



Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.



He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.



A Blonde decides she want to join the police...



She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.
The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'
1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'
Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'
2nd qstn: 'What the square root of 100?'
Blonde: 'it's 10'
Final Qstn: 'Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Blonde Thinks about it & says: 'I don't know who killed him'
Srgt says: 'That's fine, just go home & think about it'
Blonde heads back home & picks up some books from her local library on the way back.
Her friend rings her the next day & says: 'How'd you go trying to join the police?'
Blonde says: 'It went really well, I'm already working on my first murder case…'

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From: TimF12/6/2021 10:57:45 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5305
 

reddit.com

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From: Tomato12/6/2021 1:47:15 PM
   of 5305
 
Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce.


Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.


There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack.


Just remember, however, it's a bit late in the year to expect a swallow!






What did one Australian Cyclops say to the other?



Good Eye mate!



Rejected Dr. Seuss books:

- The Grinch's Twelve Inches

- Horton Fakes an Orgasm

- My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

- Horton Hires a Ho

- Who Shat in the Hat?

- The Cat in the Blender

- Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet

- One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

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From: Tomato12/6/2021 10:10:50 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5305
 
A Jewish man named Saul Epstein owned a successful nail company. When he retires, he hands it over to his son-in-law. He then moves to Florida.

One day, he’s reading the NY Times and sees a full page ad with a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below are the words, “They Used Epstein Nails."

Furious, Saul calls this son-in-law and says, “Are you out of your mind? That’s no way to sell our product!’

The young man promises to fix everything, and a week later, Saul opens the NY Times and sees another full page ad. This one is a picture showing
an empty cross on a hill. In front of it is Jesus face down in the dust. On either side of him are 2 Roman soldiers along with the caption,
"They Didn’t Use Epstein Nails"

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From: Tomato12/7/2021 3:26:56 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5305
 
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail.



She smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

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From: TimF12/9/2021 9:47:28 PM
2 Recommendations   of 5305
 

reddit.com

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From: Aladdin Sane12/10/2021 6:44:44 AM
   of 5305
 
off colour :)



courtesy Pogue

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From: Aladdin Sane12/10/2021 7:22:53 AM
   of 5305
 

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