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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato11/24/2021 12:41:18 PM
   of 5931
A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig.

"That's a very good pig, that", says the farmer. "He saved my son from a pack of wolves. He saved my wife from drowning in the river. He chased off thieves that were trying to steal my cows. Great pig."

"Right", said the gentleman, "but why does it have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Oh the wooden leg. Well, a pig that good - you don't eat it all at once.”

Why did they stop the leper baseball game?

The left fielder dropped a ball.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike had still gotten stolen.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today”

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From: TimF11/27/2021 3:56:05 PM
   of 5931

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From: Tomato11/27/2021 9:53:12 PM
   of 5931
My girlfriend recently had vaginal reconstruction

surgery, but she won't talk to me about it. She's being very tight lipped.

What do you call a gynecologist who really loves

his job? Ovary enthusiastic.

There's so much nudity online these days,

sometimes I just sit there and shake my fist.

What's the difference between sex and gender?

I don't remember having gender with your mom.

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face
Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada…

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From: Tomato11/29/2021 9:20:01 PM
   of 5931
Things to never say during sex:


Fire one !
You look better in the dark.
Are those real?
Is that smell coming from you?
You're so much like your sister
Don't touch that !
Don't'll spill my beer !


Just use your finger, it's bigger.
My mom taught me this.
But you just started !

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

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From: Tomato11/30/2021 1:52:02 PM
   of 5931
Me ( at massage parlor )

"How much do you charge to massage the genitals?”

Blonde masseuse: "Same as for the Jews.”

Difference between moms and dads.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them boys saying that, too?"

J: "Yes, ma'am."

M: "Well, don't let me catch you saying that either, but a bitch is a female dog."

Johnny knows something is up because mama ain't gonna get mad about cats and dogs, so he goes and asks his dad.

J: "Dad, what's a pussy?"

Dad pulls out a penthouse and draws a circle.

D: "That right there, son, that's a pussy"

J: "Well, what's a bitch?"

D: "Anything outside that circle.”

Why did the blonde man come inside the sock?

He wanted step kids.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

was about David Carradine.

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From: Tomato12/2/2021 1:57:34 PM
   of 5931
I love this time of year !

You can slam your laptop shut when your wife
walks into the room and you won't get any
disgusted looks !

A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”
The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”
So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”
The wife chooses a blowjob..
After a while of sucking she says “tastes like shit..”
The man says “well, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.
The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'
1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'
Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'
2nd qstn: 'What the square root of 100?'
Blonde: 'it's 10'
Final Qstn: 'Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Blonde Thinks about it & says: 'I don't know who killed him'
Srgt says: 'That's fine, just go home & think about it'
Blonde heads back home & picks up some books from her local library on the way back.
Her friend rings her the next day & says: 'How'd you go trying to join the police?'
Blonde says: 'It went really well, I'm already working on my first murder case…'

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From: TimF12/6/2021 10:57:45 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5931

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From: Tomato12/6/2021 1:47:15 PM
   of 5931
Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce.

Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.

There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack.

Just remember, however, it's a bit late in the year to expect a swallow!

What did one Australian Cyclops say to the other?

Good Eye mate!

Rejected Dr. Seuss books:

- The Grinch's Twelve Inches

- Horton Fakes an Orgasm

- My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

- Horton Hires a Ho

- Who Shat in the Hat?

- The Cat in the Blender

- Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet

- One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

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From: Tomato12/6/2021 10:10:50 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5931
A Jewish man named Saul Epstein owned a successful nail company. When he retires, he hands it over to his son-in-law. He then moves to Florida.

One day, he’s reading the NY Times and sees a full page ad with a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below are the words, “They Used Epstein Nails."

Furious, Saul calls this son-in-law and says, “Are you out of your mind? That’s no way to sell our product!’

The young man promises to fix everything, and a week later, Saul opens the NY Times and sees another full page ad. This one is a picture showing
an empty cross on a hill. In front of it is Jesus face down in the dust. On either side of him are 2 Roman soldiers along with the caption,
"They Didn’t Use Epstein Nails"

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From: Tomato12/7/2021 3:26:56 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5931
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail.

She smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

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