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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


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From: Tomato11/3/2021 5:40:57 PM
   of 5304
 
Why are the Dutch so tall?



So they can keep their heads above sea level.



I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.



I think I've forgotten this before.



A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.



It’s a real schmear campaign.

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From: Tomato11/4/2021 1:59:41 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5304
 
Woman ( to neighbor ):

"My husband is 300% impotent."
Neighbor: "Yesterday, you told me he was 100% impotent."
Woman: "I know, but today he fell down the stairs, broke his finger, and bit his tongue.”



The wife and I watched porn last night.

About halfway through she says, "Stop ! Rewind................rewind a little more............there. See that lamp on the nightstand next to the bed? I want one just like that for Christmas.”

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From: Tomato11/5/2021 1:56:45 PM
2 Recommendations   of 5304
 
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was right. I went jogging today, and I already feel ten years older.



I have trouble with etymology and entomology.



I can never find the right word and it really bugs me.



I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2



I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp.

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From: Tomato11/6/2021 2:53:49 PM
   of 5304
 
Why did the stingray start a conversation with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk.



I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.



I was making synonym toast.



What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?



Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.



Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?



He’s called ‘Taxi Vader.’

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From: Tomato11/7/2021 10:57:01 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5304
 
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.



I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.



What does a Jewish person do if they see someone choking?



They use the L'chaimlich maneuver.

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To: Tomato who wrote (5144)11/7/2021 7:29:23 PM
From: Bargain Hunter
   of 5304
 
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.
Thanks for providing that reference. I could not for the life of me remember where I had read it.

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From: Tomato11/8/2021 3:00:52 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5304
 
It's ridiculous that Aaron Rodgers equated himself to Martin Luther King, Jr.



Only one of them took a shot.



Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant for the Last Supper.



Jesus: "Table for 26 please”

Waiter: "But there are only 13 of you" Jesus:"Yes but we all want to sit on the same

side!”

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From: Tomato11/9/2021 9:05:45 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5304
 
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri,

“Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

--

How do I sleep, knowing people hate me?

With no underwear, in case they want to kiss my ass.


Here is a quote from the New York Times regarding the SpaceX capsule:

"A tube from the capsule’s toilet that funnels waste into an internal tank broke loose and leaked fluids into a fan."

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From: Tomato11/10/2021 1:43:31 PM
   of 5304
 
Yo’ mama's so fat...



they started calling her “Hitler" at the strip club for all the damage she did to the poles.



Did you hear that they're broadcasting the World Origami Championships?



It's on paper-view.

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From: Tomato11/10/2021 9:53:27 PM
   of 5304
 
Today is the day Jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald announced she had excruciating hemorrhoids and bleeding piles. Folk singer Gordon Lightfoot picked up on it and wrote his classic song,

“The Rectum of Ella Fitzgerald”.

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