| From: Tomato | 11/10/2021 1:43:31 PM | | | | | | Yo’ mama's so fat...
they started calling her “Hitler" at the strip club for all the damage she did to the poles.
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Did you hear that they're broadcasting the World Origami Championships?
It's on paper-view. |
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| From: Tomato | 11/10/2021 9:53:27 PM | | | | | | Today is the day Jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald announced she had excruciating hemorrhoids and bleeding piles. Folk singer Gordon Lightfoot picked up on it and wrote his classic song,
“The Rectum of Ella Fitzgerald”. |
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| From: Tomato | 11/11/2021 11:31:27 PM | | | | | | Went out for sushi last night.
A guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down.
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A monkey was arrested for throwing shit that was lit on fire at zoo employees.
3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns. |
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| From: Tomato | 11/12/2021 1:30:56 PM | | | | | | Pick Up Lines:
- Let's play strip poker.................you strip and I'll poke you.
- Your face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
- Let's play carpenter. First we'll get hammered, and then I'll nail you.
- Is your name winter?.............'cause you'll be coming soon.
- Do you smoke pot?.................'cause weed be cute together.
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A drop dead gorgeous woman
walks up to a guy in a blue swimsuit and says,"Did you
know your eyes match your swim trunks ?" He says,
"Really ! Why ? Are my eyes bulging ?" |
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| From: Tomato | 11/12/2021 5:07:44 PM | | | | | | A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. |
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| From: Tomato | 11/16/2021 12:43:06 PM | | | | | | Two priests are competing in a Bucking Bronco contest.
The first priest couldn't even last 30 seconds. However, the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies, "One of my altar boys is epileptic.”
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Did you hear about Salvador Dali’s brother who was a really good boxer?
His name was Muhamma.
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The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...
So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike. |
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| From: TimF | 11/19/2021 12:27:36 AM | | | | | | Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.” |
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| From: Tomato | 11/19/2021 6:06:40 PM | | | | | | I went out on a date recently with my ideal woman. Highly educated, funny, compassionate, beautiful. When she told me she was a gynecologist, I knew she was the one for me.
She really checked a lot of boxes. |
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| From: Tomato | 11/20/2021 10:15:38 PM | | | | | | As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
I hate Sprint!!
Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
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My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week
So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes.
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Panda death fact:
Did you know that when a panda dies it actually gets bigger? It becomes an ex-panda. |
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