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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only


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From: Tomato10/28/2021 1:35:28 PM
   of 5419
 
I owe the government about $5,000 in taxes.

So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.



I come from a small town where the population

never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.



An 80 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....



... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet.”



A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?”
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

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To: Tomato who wrote (5133)10/28/2021 1:46:35 PM
From: Sun Tzu
1 Recommendation   of 5419
 
I've seen that nun prank pulled off for real :)

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From: Tomato10/29/2021 1:59:37 PM
   of 5419
 
#1 movie at the Kuwait Multiplex:

Iraqnophobia



When a Keebler Elf throws up,

does he toss his cookies?



The best part of Halloween

is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

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From: Ron10/30/2021 10:21:33 AM
4 Recommendations   of 5419
 
Meanwhile....


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To: Ron who wrote (5136)10/30/2021 10:45:15 AM
From: Sun Tzu
   of 5419
 
Very clever! :)

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From: Tomato11/1/2021 12:54:27 PM
   of 5419
 
You know you're getting old when

- You WANT clothes for Christmas.

- The only thing in your cereal box is.......................cereal.

- Christmas starts to piss you off.

- You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

- Naps are a good thing.

- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

- You no longer want a "muscle car" because the insurance premiums are too high.

- You think Pong was the best video game ever.



My neighbor and his wife went out to dinner,the waitress started flirting with him.

"She obviously has covid," "Why?" he asked.

His wife replied with a sneer," Because she has no taste !”

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From: Tomato11/3/2021 2:06:22 PM
   of 5419
 
Good: Your son is growing up.
Bad: He's having sex with the neighborhood whore.
Very Bad: It's the same whore you're having sex with.

Good: You are teaching your daughter about the birds and the bees
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very Bad: She corrects you.

Good: Your son is in a serious relationship.
Bad: The relationship is with a man.
Very Bad: The man is your best friend.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: He watches porn in his room.
Very Bad: The porn stars are you and your wife.



Did you hear about the Indian guy who loved karaoke?



Getupta Singh.

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From: Tomato11/3/2021 5:40:57 PM
   of 5419
 
Why are the Dutch so tall?



So they can keep their heads above sea level.



I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.



I think I've forgotten this before.



A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.



It’s a real schmear campaign.

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From: Tomato11/4/2021 1:59:41 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5419
 
Woman ( to neighbor ):

"My husband is 300% impotent."
Neighbor: "Yesterday, you told me he was 100% impotent."
Woman: "I know, but today he fell down the stairs, broke his finger, and bit his tongue.”



The wife and I watched porn last night.

About halfway through she says, "Stop ! Rewind................rewind a little more............there. See that lamp on the nightstand next to the bed? I want one just like that for Christmas.”

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From: Tomato11/5/2021 1:56:45 PM
2 Recommendations   of 5419
 
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was right. I went jogging today, and I already feel ten years older.



I have trouble with etymology and entomology.



I can never find the right word and it really bugs me.



I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2



I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp.

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