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   PastimesJokes and Humor Only

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From: Tomato11/6/2021 2:53:49 PM
   of 5457
Why did the stingray start a conversation with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk.

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He’s called ‘Taxi Vader.’

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From: Tomato11/7/2021 10:57:01 AM
2 Recommendations   of 5457
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

What does a Jewish person do if they see someone choking?

They use the L'chaimlich maneuver.

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To: Tomato who wrote (5144)11/7/2021 7:29:23 PM
From: Bargain Hunter
   of 5457
Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.
Thanks for providing that reference. I could not for the life of me remember where I had read it.

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From: Tomato11/8/2021 3:00:52 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5457
It's ridiculous that Aaron Rodgers equated himself to Martin Luther King, Jr.

Only one of them took a shot.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant for the Last Supper.

Jesus: "Table for 26 please”

Waiter: "But there are only 13 of you" Jesus:"Yes but we all want to sit on the same


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From: Tomato11/9/2021 9:05:45 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5457
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri,

“Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.


How do I sleep, knowing people hate me?

With no underwear, in case they want to kiss my ass.

Here is a quote from the New York Times regarding the SpaceX capsule:

"A tube from the capsule’s toilet that funnels waste into an internal tank broke loose and leaked fluids into a fan."

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From: Tomato11/10/2021 1:43:31 PM
   of 5457
Yo’ mama's so fat...

they started calling her “Hitler" at the strip club for all the damage she did to the poles.

Did you hear that they're broadcasting the World Origami Championships?

It's on paper-view.

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From: Tomato11/10/2021 9:53:27 PM
   of 5457
Today is the day Jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald announced she had excruciating hemorrhoids and bleeding piles. Folk singer Gordon Lightfoot picked up on it and wrote his classic song,

“The Rectum of Ella Fitzgerald”.

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From: Tomato11/11/2021 11:31:27 PM
   of 5457
Went out for sushi last night.

A guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down.

A monkey was arrested for throwing shit that was lit on fire at zoo employees.

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns.

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From: Tomato11/12/2021 1:30:56 PM
   of 5457
Pick Up Lines:

- Let's play strip strip and I'll poke you.

- Your face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

- Let's play carpenter. First we'll get hammered, and then I'll nail you.

- Is your name winter?.............'cause you'll be coming soon.

- Do you smoke pot?.................'cause weed be cute together.

A drop dead gorgeous woman

walks up to a guy in a blue swimsuit and says,"Did you
know your eyes match your swim trunks ?" He says,
"Really ! Why ? Are my eyes bulging ?"

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From: Tomato11/12/2021 5:07:44 PM
1 Recommendation   of 5457
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

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