| From: Tomato | 10/23/2021 1:26:25 PM | | | | | | My girlfriend won the regional Tastiest Coochie award.
Now she won't stop rubbing it in my face.
—
Why did Shaq cry at Kobe’s funeral?
Because he finally saw Kobe pass.
—
Muslim weather is so unpredictable.
It's either Sunni or Shiite.
—
A bunch of guys are chatting at the pub.
One of them says "Things are terrible at home fellas. The missus is charging
me $50 a time for sex".
One of his mates replies "$50? That's pretty good mate. She charges us
$100." |
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| From: Tomato | 10/24/2021 2:08:30 PM | | | | | | What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?
“You wouldn’t believe the fucking day I just had.”
—
A kid sees her grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea.
So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed.
Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the purple pills, but those always give her a high blood pressure.
To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny.
That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills.” |
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| From: Tomato | 10/25/2021 1:43:01 PM | | | | | | A dwarf enters the library
“Books on discrimination against dwarves, please." - says the dwarf.
"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf.”
--
What type of birth control does a Roman Catholic lumberjack who's married to a mathematician use?
The log-a-rhythm method.
—
[I consider this an Alec Baldwin joke, not a political joke]
Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL
From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.
—
I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech:
They told me I could just come in my pants.
—
What do you call two French women who can't satisfy each other?
Lez Miserables. |
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| From: Tomato | 10/27/2021 7:25:45 PM | | | | | | Why was the mechanic given a "LGBTQ Support" award?
For his transmission work.
—
A Welsh bloke persuades his girlfriend to try anal for the first time.
He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I'll stop."
She says, "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!" |
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| From: Tomato | 10/28/2021 1:35:28 PM | | | | | | I owe the government about $5,000 in taxes.
So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
—
I come from a small town where the population
never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
—
An 80 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....
... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet.”
—
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?”
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" |
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| From: Tomato | 10/29/2021 1:59:37 PM | | | | | | #1 movie at the Kuwait Multiplex:
Iraqnophobia
—
When a Keebler Elf throws up,
does he toss his cookies?
—
The best part of Halloween
is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations. |
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