Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.”
—
A man walks into his doctor's office
and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk.”
—
New Jewish Words
Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .
Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics (n.) Going t o incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork |
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