"IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM..."
Dear Family & Friends,
A few years ago, maybe three or four after the most wonderful day of my entire life, I had a dream one night. In the dream, I saw myself approaching a small cabin type structure with a wooden porch and four wooden posts bracing a slanting roof over the porch. Then, as dreams seem to go, I was inside the cabin which was a single room. As I scanned the interior, I saw four or five Yorkshire terriers all sitting along the back wall of the cabin barking. Personally, I do not like small, yappy dogs. Then I saw a woman with long, blond hair sitting in a chair without a stitch of clothing. And sitting in her lap was another Yorkie.
I leave the cabin, going back the way I had come, and I see a large body of water in front of me. I begin to walk into the water and notice it is becoming deeper the further I walk into it. So I lean forward and begin to swim. I take a few strokes and the woman I had previously seen in the cabin comes to the surface of the water in front of me. I embrace the woman, and the dream ends. I remember one time while I was praying, I heard the Lord (technically, the HOLY SPIRIT) tell me that the devil knows my weaknesses. By the way, I do not know, nor have I since seen anyone who looks like the woman in the dream.
A couple of years ago, shortly after the pastor, of the church I attend sporadically, passed away, we did a Bible study on grief (I miss him to this day; he was indeed one of a kind). During the course of the discussion regarding the texts, a woman of the congregation made the comment that her former husband (they had divorced) didn't treat her anything like her dad had treated her mom. When the time together had formally ended, I walked up to the woman, put my head next to her ear and said, "I probably shouldn't say this, but you ARE a pretty girl." Now, let me be clear, I had no desire to develop any type of relationship with her any greater than any other person with whom I attend or attended this church. I had gotten the impression, after her comment, that she had self confidence issues. I wanted her to know, despite how she may have seen herself, she was still a desirable woman and could easily find someone with whom she could share her life and be appreciated as well.
Well, what I wanted to convey, and what she might have perceived were two different things after we parted ways at the end of the Bible study. In the weeks following, I couldn't help but notice her willingness to make it a point to help me with whatever I had expressed needing help with. And, she always insisted that I hug her. I'm not against hugging, but hugging on someone who rarely spends any time with their wife in the true meaning of marriage, "and the two shall become one flesh", isn't a good idea especially when the guy really, REALLY misses his wife. When the new pastor finally came (and left by the way), I stopped going to church pretty much altogether. And the contact with the woman has pretty much abated, although, when I do see her, she still insists on receiving a hug.
But it keeps happening, over, and over, and over again. It doesn't matter where I am. Whether it is someone for whom I have done some type of work, or someone with whom I work. If I spend any time talking to a female at length about anything, however seemingly innocent, and I happen to notice those parts of a woman which are desirable, my mind starts wandering and wondering into places I'd rather not go, and I can't seem to get control of it. I was talking to a woman this year about the Lord. As I was listening to her, a thought came to mind, "kiss her." I almost said "shut up" out loud. I excused myself shortly thereafter.
I made it a point not to be around her which I also knew had to make her wonder because she loves GOD with all her heart, and loves to talk about the Lord which I also very much enjoy. So I prayed about it for quite some time, and I believe the Lord told me to tell her. But, honestly, I didn't want to. How does a person tell someone who they think well of but can't spend time talking to because of a problem which constantly seems to torture one of the two persons conversing? But I did finally say something to her in so many words which were as vague as I could be and still get the point across. I also told her the truth. I didn't want to sin against her, sin against GOD, and sin against my wife which I do care about in spite of the lack of physical intimacy. For better or for worse, til death do we part. I hope I'm the one to die first, and tomarrow would be okay, too.
Which may, or may not, have caused a revelation to come about. I had heard that the Bible was one giant love letter, but I had never been able to see it with that perspective until I began to think about some particular passages in the New Testament. I thought about titling this letter, "The Love Test", but I also knew about all the things which had troubled me this past year. I also knew how, in spite of how justified I felt with regard to my perception of those circumstances, I had failed, and failed miserably by the very standard which our Heavenly Father showed all mankind by sending Jesus into HIS creation. I wanted to decry hipocrocy, rebuke motivations, and get some kind of perverted justice for all I had endured over the past year by writing about it. And yet, I had failed the Love Test. In truth, I didn't want to write a letter this year because I don't feel worthy anymore to represent Christ. As a matter of fact, fear of the Lord has so gotten the better of me that while I've told the Lord often that I hate my life and wonder why HE is keeping me in this body, I also fear not going home to be with HIM and going to hell instead. In so many ways, I can't seem to justify my life anymore.
The Lord showed me something which I had never seen. The ten commandments aren't meant to put people in bondage; they're meant to show people how to love one another and GOD. Break any one them on purpose or in ignorance, and inevitably someone will be hurt. Any sin against anyone is also a sin against GOD because we were made in the image of GOD. And sin hurts people, period. What doesn't bless, curses. Here is the kicker, everyone to a person has failed at one time or multiple times and sinned against GOD. There is only ONE, ONE, ONE, way to be forgiven. You have to own your sin and admit to GOD you've done so. And then you have to ask Jesus to come into your life and desire to make HIM to be for you what HE is already, LORD AND SAVIOUR. It is also why I keep telling people if you don't know what to believe to ask GOD with earnest desire and a sincere heart to reveal HIMSELF to you in a way you will know it is HIM.
You know, there are some people I don't like on this website, and from my past. But I don't dislike someone so much that I cherish the idea of them going to hell. I don't want anyone to end up there despite how I may feel about them personally. What I believe most people can't seem to grasp is that what the Jews suffered as a people in Nazi Germany will have been a paradise compared to hell. Those that think this life is hell still get what no one in hell will ever get, rest. When it says perpetual torment and suffering for eternity, that is exactly what it means. Now why would anyone take that chance without first knowing without a doubt if in fact GOD is who and what HE says HE is? Why indeed.
As I said, I really didn't want to write a letter this year, but the Lord asked me if I would do it for HIM. Which is also why I waited til the last minute to do so. While praying, the Lord said to me, "Tell them I love them."
I've also heard some other things come to mind, but I'm not sure if it is GOD or my imagination. I heard, "A time of prosperity." I also felt as if I was being warned about something catastrophic happing in March of next year which I think is going to happen in the Northwest. When I asked about it, I heard the words, "Because they have turned their back on ME." If it doesn't happen, praise the Lord. I'm only speaking what I believe I've heard, not because I want to be known as anything by anyone. I don't care about such things. And lastly, I think something very significant is going to happen next June as it applies to my own life. If in fact something does happen next March which may be equal to or exceed hurricane Katrina, it will not be because it is the will of GOD, but HE will allow it to happen with the desire that many will want what HE has already made available to all, salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ, not to mention a reversal of our country's national sins (i.e. repentance). Lastly, while praying, I got the impression people are going to "flock" to the Great Passion Play this year, although I have no idea what may bring that to pass. I hope it will be the signs and wonders, miracles of healing and radical salvations coming to some which will in turn prompt people to want to come which is what I've personally been praying for in spite of my own troubles. And if by chance anyone reading this should happen to come, please don't try to find me. I shy away from attention.
In closing, as I mentioned a couple of years ago, I heard the Lord ask me what I wanted from HIM. I told HIM I wanted a hundred million dollars. I said it mostly out of the frustration I've had to deal with since taking the job I now have which I actually do enjoy because I can work alone. But I also made the comment because while I believe HE can bring about the circumstance whereby one can receive such an amount, I didn't think HE would do it for me. I've said why I want the money already and won't rehash it. But I also want the money because I want to literally pay people to hear the gospel message. You see, I believe if people really do care about the souls of the lost, they would do whatever it takes for them to hear about Jesus even to the point of paying them to listen.
But I've also, given last year's events, thought about wanting something with far more finality. The truth is, I'm tired. I want to go HOME. I miss HIM so much. I miss that overwhelming feeling of being truly loved in spite of every failing. Unless you actually KNOW, you really don't know what you're missing, and I for one am tired of trying to convey to others how truly wonderful GOD is. If, by chance, there is no letter next year, I hope it is because the Lord had delivered me "from this body of sinful flesh" and I've gone to be with HIM where HE is. And I make you this promise, I won't miss you.
So what does any thing I've said thus far have to do with the title of this year's letter? In September, after having spoken a few times to the woman which I eventually told I couldn't spend time talking to at length, I handed her a brochure which I carry around with me wherever I go. On the front of the brochure is a large question mark. And directly underneath is the following, "If you had an idea which would profit not only yourself - but those around you also - would you give it away?" And then immediately on the inside of the pamphlet I quote a scripture. The rest of the brochure is a synopsis of my own personal testimony as to how I became born again. I gave it to her because I couldn't help but get the feeling that she may have wondered why I was working for that particular ministry. I said, "Here, maybe this will answer your questions." Amazingly, most Christians do not actually recognize one another.
After she had read it, and given it back, I said, "That is the person I was when I had the fire of GOD in my life. I'm not that person anymore." I have struggled in so many ways with so many things as they pertain to me in this journey with the Lord. But to this day, despite all my disappointments, I make it a point to pray. And I often ask the Lord to keep me from hindering or inadvertantly thwarting want HE wants to do in the lives of others. There may come a time when I no longer say anything regarding the Lord, but neither will I deny HIS supreme authority and deity. I may not be able to convince others of HIM philosophically, intellectually, or even by true testimonials from my own life. But there is NO WAY I want to join those who don't believe in Jesus. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!
Because HE first loved me, |
