Christmas Letter.....2013
Dear Family and friends,
"Decrease Brings Increase".
I started thinking about what I would write for this year's letter a couple of months ago. But when the time came to actually sit down and do it, I really struggled with whether or not to write the letter at all. I know there are very few people who look forward to receiving it, and I also know I can be quite self-righteous about what I relate at times. That being said, it isn't the real reason I am reluctant to take the time to let people know how GOD has impacted my life this past year. Eventually, in one way or another, I will let those with whom I interact on a semi regular basis know that not only do I believe in a supernatural being known as GOD, but that I have actually had a very real life changing experience with HIM through HIS only begotten Son, Jesus. Because that did in fact happen to me, I believe everything is either a manifestation of a positive or negative spiritual influence. I also realize more and more any given outcome is contingent upon my own faith regardless of the the circumstances pertaining to any particular situation.
Which is why I feel somewhat uncomfortable writing this year's letter. I have back slided badly this past year. If I were to tell you only about the positive things which happened, I'd also be guilty of ignoring my own failures. Truth is, I really don't like my life, and unless something happens which reinvigorates my passion for GOD, the sooner I go to the afterlife, the better. However it is also true, in spite of my own spiritual failures, GOD still is and Jesus lives. This year, I lied for the sake of personal provision, washed my hands of an individual the Lord specifically told me to help, and finally admitted that I have a problem with physical gratification of a nature which I will not detail, although thankfully, neither have I gone over the line (i.e. adultery). I've gotten to the point where I have to admit I'm not some super righteous Christian, and often deal with trying to figure out what is so wonderful about life at all. I'm tired of being me; I'm tired being, period. I also know I can't do anything to relieve myself of my mortality because, like it or not, I will live forever....somewhere.
I had considered two other titles for this year's letter, "i am Because YOU Are", and "Dead Flowers", the latter being how I see myself now compared to the day when the Lord turned my life around one hundred eighty degrees within fifteen seconds at ll:25 in the morning on May 9th, 2004. But I believe this year's title is what I'm supposed to use even though I have no idea how it will apply even when I sign off. It was spoken to me while I was praying one day. Now I admit, if it was someone else, I'd tell them all kinds of things which I know to be true, but for some reason I can't seem to accept or receive perhaps because of the length and breadth of which I have had a personal relationship with GOD (I've had numerous experiences in the last nine years of a supernatural nature), or perhaps because of a lingering rebellious spirit which causes me to question almost everything not the least of which is authority.
I used to believe when someone would say their relationship with the Lord was private, it was BS. But I realize more and more that truly, one size does not fit all. One individual, which attended the same church I once attended, would periodically say, "You can't trust your feelings." After giving it some thought, I realized it isn't wise to simply leave it as is. In one respect it is true, because the Bible says the Word of the Lord is true despite what one may be going through at any given time. But it isn't true when something spectacularly wonderful happens giving one an incredible feeling of joy and peace. When one is privileged to come into the presence of GOD, I guarantee you'll feel it.
My own relationship with our heavenly Father because of Jesus has become more and more private these last few months. Except when I'm on vacation (which is no excuse), I try to make time to pray. I'm sorry to say, I don't read my Bible very much because I don't seem to process what the Lord is trying to tell me very well. I'm far more likely to trust what HE will tell me while I'm praying which is not to suggest others should do the same. EVERY DAY I think about Jesus. EVERY DAY I feel so inadequate to represent HIM not only because of what I know HE did for me, but also because of the mistakes I've made when HE told me to do something, and I balked or failed to do it. And there have also been times when, while I know the consequences of shaking my fist at GOD, I've been disappointed with a certain outcome and find myself being mad at HIM.
For instance, this past February when I found over $500 worth of lottery scratchers which may have been worth significantly more than their face value (although probably not). I'm going to reveal something I've been doing for the last 8 years which I readily admit I do take pride in to a point, and also make some believers quite uncomfortable. After I was born again, I tended to gravitate toward a desire to give financially toward those who were helpless and/or homeless. But I was also a person who had little means. It was a real struggle to just give my tithe many times, but I have yet to fail to do so in over eight years. In my pre-adult days, I would periodically walk along the highway outside of town and pick up aluminum cans to make extra money. Having this yearning to give in the Name of the Lord when I worked at the convenience store, I began to pull the cans out of the trash on the nights I worked. Then it progressed into going through all the trash to retrieve cans. I still do it to this day, even though I no longer do that type of work. I'm able to give about $80+ a year to feed hungry children. By the way, that doesn't make me any better to GOD compared to any other, but at the same time, no one can tell me as a believer in Jesus they don't have the capacity to put action behind their faith in Christ. Is it an exercise in humility? YES IT IS!! One night, after having gotten the key to unlock the dumpster and walking back to begin the treasure hunt, I heard the Lord say, "Are you ashamed of ME?" And I replied, "No Lord, I'm embarrassed." I actually enjoy "dumpster diving", but I don't enjoy being seen doing it.
I told you last year what I said to the Lord when HE asked me what I wanted from HIM. For what it is worth, I remind HIM frequently I wasn't kidding. I believe HE has told me HE will give it to me, however, I also wonder if HE actually will. HE keeps saying to me, "Believe." Anyway, one day while I was going through the trash, I found a bunch of lottery scratchers which were as perfect as the day they came off the roll. My heart immediately leapt because I knew I had found money especially when I really needed it. The only question was, how much? But I also wondered if the tickets had been stolen and would therefore be unredeemable. So after finishing, I went into the store and checked one of the tickets. The tickets were still active. Still, I had to "look a gift horse in the mouth" so I asked one of the store managers to find out from where they originated.
Well, the person did a little more than that, and as it turned out, the tickets had been stolen, but the store owner was unaware of it. They had failed to keep track of their ticket sales. I wasn't real sure I wanted to give the tickets back. So I sought the advice of a pastor for whom I have a great deal of respect. After talking with him, I still wasn't sure so I prayed about it. "Give them back" is what I heard. To say the least I was disappointed. The store clerk who had contacted the competing store owner called one afternoon to tell me to do something about the situation because the person from whom they were taken was repeatedly coming to the store hoping to retrieve them. So with the tickets in hand, I walked up to the store to give them back. But I wasn't simply going to just give them back without saying something.
I handed the individual the tickets in a zip lock bag. They told me it was one of their own children who had taken them though they were unaware of it until the other clerk had contacted them. And the person was also very grateful. So I said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" They said okay. I said, "Do you know Jesus?" They replied, "Oh yes. As a matter of fact, I was just reading the Bible on my iphone. "Jesus, the same yesterday, today, and forever." I came back, "Yes, that is found in Hebrews." "Oh, you must really know your Bible," and I replied, "No, I just know where that scripture is found."
Then I told the person the story of how I had come across the tickets and pointed out the fact they would have never known had I not found them. I also told them I wanted to keep them because I needed the money. Then the person reached in their pocket and pulled out about forty dollars and offered it to me. I told them just to keep it. I also told them to stop worrying about the child and give them to the Lord.
I realize what I'm about to say will probably rub some people the wrong way, but I'm going to say it anyway. Some years ago, about four or five months after we had gotten another dog, he wandered off when I failed to keep an eye on him. About a half hour had passed when I got a phone call telling me a girl had found the dog. I said, "Don't let go of him. I'll be right there." On my way to where the dog was being held, I stuck five dollars in my pocket. When I got to where the dog was, only a few blocks from the house, I handed the girl the five dollar bill. She tried to give it back, and I said, "No. I believe good deeds should be rewarded."
The individual to whom I returned the tickets only offered me a thank you reward when I told them I also needed the money. It never crossed their mind to do so until I said something. It actually amazes me how many people there are who seem to think a simple thank you should be enough. It may also be the reason why when someone loses something of value due to their own personal negligence or stupidity, they don't get it back. I have found wallets, clutch purses, personal checks, and even jewelry, and in only one case did the individual offer a thank you reward (which because I was better off, refused). When I find money laying on the ground with no apparent clue as to who lost it, I stick it in my pocket and say, "Thank you Jesus." I have found about $80 in cash in the last two years. I've also found, in the trash, two working cell phones and about $140 in scratcher tickets which were thought to be non winners. The cell phones I turned into the police department and picked up three months later when the original owner failed to claim them. And lest I fail to give credit where credit is due, every single time I've found anything of value, the Lord told me during prayer, "I have something for you, today." In spite of what I perceive to be a dismal spiritual life, I don't know if I could go on if the Lord didn't say something to me everyday.
Yes, this will be a long one. Last year, I specifically heard the Lord (Holy Spirit) tell me a particular individual needed my help. And, as I related, I took some firewood to his home (for the purpose of this letter I'll call him Sal). I made sure Sal had something to heat his home all last winter. But Sal's health issues were finally catching up with him, and he went into the hospital before the winter ended. Because he was on disability, he also had medicade which didn't completely take care of the bill. Anyway, I got a call from him and found out the hospital had released him, but because it was so hard for him to breathe (he smoked almost 20 packs a week), they took him to a motel instead where he wouldn't have to use his wood stove for heat. While speaking with Sal at the motel, he told me he realized he wasn't ready to die. Upon leaving his room, I stood outside the door and prayed the Lord would not only spare his life but also reveal HIMSELF to Sal in such a way that Sal would know how much GOD really did love him. And while I was praying, I felt the witness of the Holy Spirit stir within me.
Sal wasn't in the motel very long before returning to the hospital for a bit longer than the one night the first time he went in. When he was released the second time and taken back to his home, the cold weather now past for the year, the first thing he did was light up. Yet for three days while in the hospital he couldn't smoke. And I thought, how stupid can someone be. Oh, he just couldn't live without them.
Well, Sal got an oxygen generator for his home along with someone from home health services who would come by once a week. I continued to see Sal on a weekly basis, going to buy things he needed including smokes so he wouldn't have to pay someone to do it for him. I also smoke, as many of you know, and was going to make the trip anyway. I would usually spend some time talking with him after returning to his home with the things I had picked up for him. And his health seemed to be improving through the spring and summer months. I also tried to keep Jesus in the conversation especially when we would share with one another past experiences. I would periodically say something like, "I'm glad the Lord set me free from such and such", or how the Lord had done something for me like when HE healed my eye this year.
But it was as if it would go through one ear and out the other. During the times Sal would make reference to GOD, he spoke about HIM like it was an unproven theory or GOD had never really ever done anything for him. Near the end of the summer, Sal began to talk about trying to find someone who would loan him enough money to build another small home on his property and rent out the one he was in (I'm thinking in the back of my mind, "Don't look at me."). He also told me he had had it all taken care of at one time, needing no one to help him with anything. But now, due to other people, it was somehow their fault that he was in the current state he had to endure. When Sal would eventually start going in the "it isn't my fault" direction, I'd listen for about twenty minutes and bid him farewell.
In October, Sal began to start working on a way to generate heat in his home without having to use his wood stove. I asked him why, and he said it was because of the oxygen machine, although I couldn't figure out why his thinking didn't also apply when he lit up with a tube stuck in his nose. He also sold his bike to someone which gave him some extra money. After having spent some time with him one Friday evening, I heard the Lord say again to me, "Sal needs your help." I said, "I know Lord, but I just don't know how to help him."
Five minutes didn't pass from the time I heard the Lord speak to me until Sal called me. He said he had a way to heat his home and the money to do it, but he needed help. Sal had built the home he lived in. It was a cabin about 20' x 20' with a tin roof. He used 2 x 4's for trusses upon which he attached the tin sheeting, filled the space on the inside of the ceiling with insulation, and covered it with canvas. Over time, the insulation had began to release fiberous dust particles into the rooms below through the deteriorating canvas (it looked like burlap to me.) Sal wanted to buy thin sheets of plywood and cover the inside of the ceiling.
So I called someone who I knew was capable of doing the work, knowing it would be done right when it was finished. To make a long story shorter, the carpenter didn't think the 2 x 4's would support the additional weight, fearing the entire roof could fall in. I thought initially the work could be done in a couple of days, but the carpenter thought it would take at least four days with my help. I was willing to cover the cost of the labor until he told me that. And Sal would tell me privately he thought the guy was after more money, not to mention his confidence in his own past building ability. I suggested simply covering the entire ceiling with plastic which would at least stop the fiberglass dust from filtering into the room. Sal said no. That was the beginning of the end.
It irritated me when he accused the one guy I contacted to help of being incompetent and money grubbing. I don't let people do work for me who act that way, so why would I ask him to help someone else, not to mention my offering to take care of the cost of the labor. A few days later, Sal went back to the hospital for some bowel problems, but was released the same day. I spent the better part of my evening running errands for him. The next day, he went back into the hospital. Unaware he had done so, I stopped by his house to check on him. When I found him gone, I immediately went to the hospital and found out he had in fact been checked in. Upon learning the news, I told the person I wasn't going to visit him, nor did I want them to tell Sal I had stopped by. That was the last time I knew where he was. I made up my mind that night that I wasn't going to have an active role in his life any longer. I could no longer justify buying cigarretts for him especially when it was probably what was killing him. He called a few times after that, but I didn't return his calls. Sal passed away around the beginning of November.
I'm not proud of the way I handled the situation especially considering how it ended. I was told by the Lord Sal wasn't going to be in this life much longer, but I thought it would be longer than it was. Clearly, Sal had opportunities to call upon the Name of the Lord and make decisions which I believe would have been much better not only with regard to this life, but also his life in the "hereafter". Whether he in fact did call upon the Lord to save him isn't entirely clear to me. I hope, at some point, he had sense enough to make his peace with GOD.
My reasons for relating this story are two-fold. I don't believe it is simply coincidence regarding those of you for whom I have done work this year, or have continued to touch my life in some particular way. I really do appreciate your allowing me to do yardwork for you, and I can't think of any of those for whom I have done work this past year which I don't particularly care for. On the contrary, all of you are wonderful people in your own right. But I also know it is GOD which has made my working relationship with you possible.
Ever since May 9th, 2004, I went from being just some guy trying to make sense of life and get along in it, to being someone which GOD (the Father) changed forever by one encounter settling every doubt in my mind to the realness of HIS Being. AND ever since that day, I have tried to let people know how truly wonderful HE is because of what Jesus did on everyone's behalf through the experinces I've lived every year since then. But I also know I can't make you believe what I tell you is true, or why I make it a point to make mention of the Lord (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) during those times I have spoken to you. The truth is, I just don't know how to impress upon you, that regardless of everything which you touch or touches you, to settle the question as to where you're going to spend eternity. Whether you believe it or not, I really didn't want to write this year's letter as you see it, but the Holy Spirit impressed upon me to do so. And I was also told to tell those of you who don't have a personal relationship with GOD that if you will call upon the Name of Jesus, HE WILL save you. I tell people, if they're truly sincere, to ask GOD to reveal HIMSELF to them in such a way that they will know for a fact HE is real. I truly believe HE will because HE did for me.
And for those of you on the website where this is posted who might actually have been curious enough to have read this (most of whom are agnostics ((since no true athiest can actually justify continuing to exist))), I suggest you check out Howard Storm's story at howardstorm.com especially if you don't believe there actually is a place of eternal damnation and suffering. I know, in spite of how I'd like to be towards everyone, I can be quite unkind and manipulative toward those who rub me the wrong way. Fact is, there are a lot of people I really don't like, and only three people I've known in my entire life whose faith in GOD has actually impressed me. But I don't dislike anyone so much that I don't care about there eternal salvation.
I could write another ten pages regarding the Great Passion Play (the "word" of the Lord did in fact come to pass - It will not die, it will survive) reopening in 2013, the $1500 kitchen faucet ($500 for the faucet, $1000+ for SJ's broken wrist and little finger), and the "word" spoken to me in April after I gave a Passover Offering even though I was almost broke ("You're going to be busy"). I wanted to write about what the Lord said regarding blessing and cursing, and what I believe HE meant when HE said, "I lay before you life and death; choose life." I wanted to share some insights pertaining to the two men who were crucified with the Lord when HE went to the cross. But I will make time for one last reflection.
I had also considered for a title, "The Biggest Problem With The Church Is...", and saying in so many words that the the biggest problem is the true Head of the Church has yet to return. We, the Lord's body, are overall truly a poor excuse for what we know to be true and exercise accordingly. I have pretty much stopped attending any fellowship altogether. When the pastor which was voted on to replace the pastor that passed away came in, I just couldn't take it anymore. I decided if I was going to fall asleep, I'd rather be at home when I did. When you've had the fire, smoldering won't due. While I know how it will sound, I miss the building more than the people who attended. There was something about the light shining through the large stain glass window which filled the front of the sancturary on Wednesday afternoons when I would go to pray alone that I really do miss. When I could pour out my heart to the Lord kneeling before the prayer alter, or laid out, face down on the floor.
Even at the church where I have been going from time to time (New Day), the one thing which seems to be missing is the overwhelming presense of the Holy Spirit. Jesus said there would be signs and wonders which would follow the preaching of the word of the Lord. Where are they?
Jesus said to the nobleman in John 4, "Except you see signs and wonders you will not believe." It also says, in the same hour the nobleman believed what Jesus told him, his son was saved. Over and over I see somebody stepping up to the pulpit to speak, unfortunately it is more about what they want to say then waiting on the Holy Spirit, yielding themselves to HIS presense, and speaking what has been spoken to them. Ministries seem more about teaching than preaching. When are we finally going to get it? We can not, in the power of our own flesh no matter how determined, make GOD move to bring others into the Kingdom of heaven. I have found, more often than not, most people really don't want to know Jesus. They would rather consol themselves with the belief they'll go to heaven based on the fact they lived their lives better than someone like Adolf Hitler. I honestly believe it is the power of the Holy Spirit which is absent from our gatherings and/or individual lives. I told people last year, during my first year at the Play, if the word got out people were getting healed after watching the performance, you couldn't keep people from coming. And yet we continue to struggle not only for our own spiritual sanity (or at least I do), but for those we love for whom we long to have a real life experience with our beloved Saviour.
I rarely know where to end a letter so I just stop and sign off. I can imagine, had I not been the one to write it, but instead receieved it thinking, "Well, that was weird." Yet I am consumed, in spite of my own personal and spiritual failures, with a desire to bring the Name of Jesus into the lives of as many people as I can because I KNOW it is true. Everyone, without exception, will have an afterlife. The only question is where?
And I choose this time of year to give this letter because it is one of the few times when people will give some thought to our heavenly Creator and HIS only begotten Son (the Firstfruits of Righteousness). It is included with some fruit, which in my opinion, is the best that money can buy, and given to those in appreciation for being allowed by GOD (whether they're aware of it or not) to bless me. Regardless of what you might be thinking now, or how you might perceive me in the future, thank you.
James 4:6 "GOD resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." Decrease brings increase.
I will close with something I saw on a church marque earlier this year, "Be kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle."
In the Name of Jesus and Jesus alone, |
