"LET YOUR YES BE YES" Christmas Letter 2012 (rewrite)
As I have stated in the past, as it was told me by the Lord, each Christmas letter was supposed to be centered around telling others about Jesus. The only way I knew how to accomplish what HE told me to do was tell others what the Lord had done in my own life in the past year. As I stated in the first letter, this past year was many things, but wonderful wouldn't be a word I would use to describe it. However, perhaps in reality, the truth is the past year fell short of my own expectations. But the Lord did show HIMSELF faithful to me many times, even giving me pause to wonder, "How did YOU do that?!"
When I left the convenience store, I fully expected GOD to bring someone into my life for whom I would be working, be happy, and make more than I needed doing so. Needless to say, it didn't work out that way. It was (and seems to be so now) like moving from one oasis to another until the water has dried up and then moving on, not knowing where I'm going or being led to.
EL Barko and I were standing at the end of our driveway one early April afternoon (he was marking his spots, snorting, and scratching the ground throwing dirt every where but where he wanted), and while I'm holding his leash a thought comes to mind, "What do you want to do?" By then, I had already cashed and spent most of my refund check, two hundred dollars of which went for something the Lord asked me to do.
I looked toward the sky and said, "Lord, I want to work outside and help people." A few years ago, the Lord laid upon my heart to give up the lawn mowing business perhaps because I was so busy I wasn't spending the critical quality time needed with the Lord. But I never stopped wanting to do that type of work because it was something I truly enjoyed doing. But when the Lord spoke, I obeyed. I also thought it would give me the opportunity to witness to people I had never met. A day or two later, walking back to the house after returning from the mailbox, I heard the words, "you're hiding," come to mind in such a way as a kind of rebuke. I admit, I wasn't all that anxious to look for work which might put me back among the masses, i.e. dealing with people. I found working at the convenience store, most people were generally civil. But every once in awhile you would have to deal with someone you wish would just go away because they could ruin your whole day (or in my case "days" because I have a bad habit of dwelling). You could usually tell who the people were who lived in big cities because when you would greet them they would look at you like "why are you talking to me." After having to endure dealing with the general public for a long period of time, it is incredibly difficult to remember Jesus is Lord.
So anyway, a week or so goes by, and it is announced at church that the Passion Play is taking applications. And I thought, "I don't want to work there." But a day or two later I went out to the Smith Foundation grounds to place an application thinking, "Well, they do have a lot of grass which will need to be maintained." I applied for Grounds Keeping and put Usher as my second choice. As I'm filling out the application, a staff supervisor walks by and says, "I need someone to work with horses. Would you be interested in doing something like that?" I said, "I don't have any experience with horses. I really don't feel comfortable around them." He came back, "Well, if you change your mind," and walked out of sight.
You see, I still didn't want to work there; I wanted to mow grass and work by myself. After leaving the Foundation, I passed by a church which had some landscaping issues. A few days later, nothing going on (that little voice, "Hard times ahead" ringing true) I thought about calling the pastor of the church and asking if I could go out and work on the church grounds. Their flower beds were filled with weeds and there was definitely a need for some weedeating. After my prayer time with the Lord, I'm sitting on the couch (I seem to "hear" GOD speak to me a lot of times after prayer while sitting on the couch) and I hear the words, "Do what is in thine heart to do." And then I had a vision or saw in my mind's eye the Lord standing in front of me. And I heard HIM say, "Come home, come home, come home." PRAISE THE LORD! I'M GOING HOME!! Well, maybe, but not today.
So I called the pastor of the church, and he informed me they had someone who was supposed to be taking care of all that. I told him I didn't want any money, I just needed something to do since I was unemployed. He said I could and also gave me a name to contact for a job opportunity. I didn't call because it was in another town, and I didn't want to have to drive that far to work everyday. I still wanted, in spite of the lack, what I wanted. So while I'm at the church pulling buckets full of weeds out of their beds I happened to glance over at a church van sitting in one of the parking spaces and read in amazement in big green letters on the back, "Come home to....." It was a GOD appointed sign, it wasn't just my imagination!
To make a long story shorter, reluctantly, I accepted a position as an usher in the amphitheater attending to people prior, during, and after the play, and I LOVED IT! I was working outside and helping people. But I still wasn't sure why GOD wanted me there.
Before the play would start, I would go down into the seating area and pray. "Lord, please bring your SPIRIT upon this play tonight. And please, GOD, show me why I'm here." You see, although I eventually loved working for the foundation, I could not feel the witness of the Holy Spirit among the people with whom I worked, or even during the play. I was frustrated by the fact that while this type of ministry was dedicated to the life of Jesus, it was like "where are you LORD?!"
There was a time in past years when all 4400 seats would be filled. Opening night for the season saw 700+. Most of the nights since then were an average of 250-350 people, and on a good night, maybe, 5-600 attendees. The largest crowd for the year was just over 1000 on War Eagle weekend. I told one of my Spirit filled coworkers (one of the few) if people were coming to the play in wheelchairs and running out after the play was over, you couldn't keep people from coming. I felt like I was working for a glorified "pass-the-plate" operation.
But I persisted to seek the Lord regarding my own employment. One day while sitting in the seating area, having just finished praying, a man was walking down the steps to the set. I greeted him and then realized he looked familiar. I used to see him periodically when he would come into the store. As we talked, he confessed to me that he wasn't doing to well and gave me some of the details as to why. Then he said something I've yet to forget, "Sometimes the devil wins." I thought to myself, "No he doesn't," but it occured to me later, he will if you let him. The man even went so far as to tell me he had been considering ending his own life. I told him not to do that. GOD will intervene in your life if you will ask him to. He said, "I HAVE been asking, but HE isn't doing anything about the situation."
I invited him to pray with me, and still continue to do so. I saw him the next day in the break room and said, "I expect GOOD NEWS." As the days continued to go on, this man had been in the throws of this up and down cycle for sometime as it became apparent from others who had mentioned ministering to him. But I began to wonder, "Lord, it this why you want me here?" One night, a woman was up and down out of her seat during the play. I inquired of her and she stated that her legs would hurt if she sat for to long. After a fellow usher returned from a break to resume watching the gate where I was, I began to walk back to the gate I had been assigned to watch once he returned. But I turned back toward the woman, and hesitantly I asked her, "Ma'am, would you like to be prayed for?" And she said she would. So I called my known brother in Christ, and we prayed for the woman. And while we prayed, I could feel the witness of the Holy Spirit within me. Later, after the play, I saw the woman walking back to her transportation and asked about her legs. She said, "All the pain is gone in my right leg, and most of the pain is gone in my left." Praise the Lord.
I related the report to my fellow brother, and he asked me to share it with the group who prayed each night before the play. After recounting the details, I said, "I've been feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit lately when I pray with others. If you feel the need to pray for someone, but are reluctant to do so, then come and get me and I'll pray for them." A couple nights later, my name's sake and I prayed for another person. The next week I saw a man who looked to be in some type of distress. So I asked him if I could pray for him. He said he had been suffering from a cold for sometime. So I took him by the hand and prayed for his healing. Two days later I'm laying flat on my back and every joint in my body is aching, chills, fever, etc. And one day while laying on the couch sick (I rarely get sick), I asked the Lord why I was sick. And the Lord said, "I will not share MY Glory with anyone." Later, I realized my confidence in praying for others was becoming based more upon myself and less on GOD. I didn't pray for anyone after that. But I didn't stop praying.
I had been working the play nightly for a couple of months. I was only working seventeen and half hours a week. It was supposed to be at least twenty hours a week. Money was really tight. I was able to resume the mowing for my former employer, and even given more work doing clean up on the adjacent property. But I was barely getting by. What had come to pass was exactly what I had feared would happen shortly after I had been filled with the Holy Spirit eight years ago. Only this time, I knew I didn't possess the level of faith I once had, and I was beginning to get nervous about the future. Funny thing was, when my prayers became more desperate for my own financial situation, the Lord would impress upon me to give a gift 5-10 times my tithe. I thought, "GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME!!" And so many times the Lord would say, speaking my name, "Trust ME," or "There are good things coming in your life," or "I have something for you," or "It will be well with you." One time I asked the Lord if HIS definition of "good things" and mine were the same.
A few days later, someone would call and I'd get additional work. Around the first of August, the head man asked me one night what I did during the day. I said I did my own thing, and then worked the play at night. He then asked me if I would be interested in helping out during the day. The kid who did the expediting was going back to school at the end of the month. I said, "Yes." But I also had to clean up after the animals and wash horses. And I thought later, "Is that the job I turned down the day I applied?" It turned out to be my dream job. I didn't care for the horses part, but I was better at it than I thought I would be. I was also working by myself. Of course, by the end of October that all ended, and I was back to where I had started after leaving the convenience store. It was a couple of weeks before the season ended that I told the Lord after HE asked me what I wanted from HIM that I wanted a $100 Million Dollars.
Several years ago when I used to play the numbers (state lottery), I dreamed of a big jackpot. But it wasn't fame or a lavish lifestyle I wanted to live. It was to form an organization to help people who would otherwise fall through the cracks of society because for whatever reason they didn't qualify but desperately needed assistance. And it is because I love giving. I am not real fond, however, of giving what I'd rather keep based on my own perceived need which seems to have been the rule more than the exception in the last few years. A few weeks ago, pouting and on the verge of a spiritual temper tantrum, I told the Lord if things didn't get better soon I was just going to stop giving. Immediately, I heard rather matter of fact, "You'll give."
The dream has never died. I don't care to be the "out front" person. I'm more comfortable working behind the scenes. As the Lord continued to bring HIS question back to my memory, I told GOD I wanted to have a true sense of purpose. It is almost as if I'm merely existing with no sense of direction. I still want to form an organization with a bunch of capital to help people and bring the message of Jesus to others. I dream (maybe fantasize is more correct) of having enough money to come together with six other people who love to give, either to individuals or ministries which feed the hungry and minister through the power of the Holy Spirit the truth of Jesus. We would meet once a year, each with a particular need of another, and present the need to the group. Then, after all the presentations, seek the Lord and vote on the two or three which we individually feel the Lord impresses upon our heart, the only exception being one cannot vote for their own presentation. This way the true Spirit of GOD would bring forth by HIS "word" where or to whom a designated amount of money would go. Each person would also be given a $1000 to cover expenses incurred wherever the location was where the meeting was held. If their need wasn't chosen, those people would also have something to give to the need they presented even if it fell short of what was possible. I've wanted to do this for years, and by the Grace of GOD, I will if HE wills.
There were other times I saw the Lord's hand in my life, and I expressed some of them in the original letter. GOD still brings people specifically to mind which means I know HE wants me to do something. They do not come to mind though because I have some fore knowledge of their situation. One day, the Lord kept bringing the name of one particular woman to mind. I used to do yard work for her and have been praying for her to have a real life salvation experience like I had in 2004. So I asked the Lord what was going on, and I heard the word "cancer". Then I said, "Lord, what do you want me to tell her?" And the Lord said, "If she will call upon MY Name, I will save her."
I piddled around the house for awhile knowing full well what the Lord had told me. I wanted to see what GOD had told me come to pass, but I always feel uneasy about having to be the one to do that kind of thing. I knew the Lord wasn't going to leave me alone about it, so finally I called her. I hadn't spoken to Ruth (not her real name) in any meaningful way for a couple of years. I noticed when she spoke her voice sounded raspy. I asked if she was going to be home that day because there was something I wanted to talk to her about and couldn't do it over the phone. She said she would be home.
Reluctantly, I went over to her house, and thankfully, her boyfriend wasn't there. Not that he is a bad person, but I really didn't want to have to repeat what was told me to anyone but her. I asked her why her voice sounded so rough. She said that her doctor told her she had some tumors which were pressing on her vocal cords or something to that effect. She also said her doctor believed the tumors were benign. I then proceeded to tell her why I wanted to talk to her. I said, "You know my story about how GOD supernaturally came into my life. I was praying today, and I heard your name come to mind rather forcefully. I wanted to know what was going on with you." I did not, however, tell her what the Lord told me to tell her because she said her doctor told her the tumors were benign. I wished her well and encouraged her to make sure what her doctor believed was true. And then I left. I felt somewhat guilty for not telling her what the Lord told me to tell her, but what was the point if the cancer wasn't alive. I prayed about it, and believe I heard the Lord say, "You did what I told you to do." I wondered later if I hadn't inadvertantly been used by the Lord to confirm to Ruth that the Lord knew what was going on in her life. Maybe she said a prayer at some point, I just don't know.
I called her a couple of weeks later and left a message, but she never returned my call unless SJ erased it thinking I had already received it. I saw her boyfriend a few days ago at the hardware store, and he asked me if she had called me back. I told him I didn't think so. And then he said, "Thank you," but didn't elaborate.
The Lord impressed upon me during this rewrite to "Be honest, tell the truth." I hope I have lived up to HIS command. I hope I haven't led anyone to believe I think very highly of myself, or taken anything away from the Lord which HE alone deserves. The truth is, 99% of the time I have no idea what HE is doing in my life especially during these hard times in my own life. I remember thinking about what the children of Israel said to Moses when they had been in the dessert for a few weeks, "Did you deliver us from Egypt into the dessert just so you could kill us?" I, too, have wondered, not that I desire to go back mind you. I also remember asking the Lord to either end my life or bless me. I'm sorry to say I'm not the person I was when I first started this thread. Of all these short years of speaking to and hearing from the Lord, this one has been the toughest.
But every morning when I awake the first thought which comes to mind is Jesus, and the last one before I go to bed is Jesus, not to mention thinking upon HIM a whole lot during the day. I still try to pray about an hour before I start my day and spend time in HIS Word. I'll rarely leave the house without praying first. And even though it has been tough on me financially this year, and I've wondered about HIM more times than I can count, I'd rather HE be in my life than not.
There is more I could talk about like the Sunday I put my key to the church in the plate along with my tithe, and told myself I wasn't going back (again). The following Saturday our beloved furry friend Sir Barksalot stopped barking forever. It seems like there are too many things I keep having to learn the hard way. If GOD does bless me with the $100 million, one thing I will do is build a prayer chapel on my property. At least I'll have some place to go where I can be alone with the Lord without distraction.
I can't promise you'll have the same type of relationship with Jesus that I have (hopefully better), but I know by experience HE wants you to know HIM a whole lot more than you may want to know HIM. If you don't know what to believe, ask Jesus to reveal HIMSELF to you in a way you'll have no doubt HE is in fact real. I truly believe HE will because HE wants and is waiting for you to do so.
From and the first check I received via unemployment, the Lord said, "Give," after hearing the testamony of an orphan girl from Muldova (the Jim Bakker Show). So I sent half of it. HE was right again..."You'll give."
Be Well, Be Blessed, and stay connected to the true source of life, Jesus.
By the way, if you have the opportunity to do so, check out the Blessed Life on Daystar with Robert Morris. I also continue to recommend Aquilla Nash (The Prophetic Whisper on TBN's TCC), Andrew Womack (The Gospel Truth on Daystar and TBN's TCC), Sid Roth (Its Supernatural on Daystar and TBN), and Life Today with James and Betty Robison. |
