"A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS"
Dear Family and Friends.....Christmas 2012
"What do you want from ME?", I heard the voice say in my head as I sat on the couch, previously having been with the Lord in prayer. "I want a hundred million dollars, Lord," I replied. "Lord," I continued, "YOU asked me what I thought was impossible for YOU in 2005, and I know nothing is impossible for YOU."
What a year. I'd love to tell you it has been exceedingly wonderful beyond my wildest expectations, but that would be a lie. The truth is, it has been a year of "ups" and "downs" which has tested my faith to the point of wanting to give up on GOD more times than I can count. And yet, in spite of everything (which isn't really anything compared to what so many have to endure on a daily basis), I still don't want to go back to the days when I thought I was saved, but was as lost as lost gets. That being said, I've wondered periodically if, when I "hear" something come to mind if it is the Lord speaking to me or a spirit of deception.
Several years ago, I had an experience I have shared, but I was cautious with whom I shared it. By now, I figure there are a lot of people including many of my own family who probably believe I'm certifiably nuts so now I'm not so shy about it. On a winter night, within the first year my wife and I were married, I went to bed before SJ around ten-thirty. She liked to stay up late, but I needed more sleep than she just to get through the next day. Trying to find the right position to induce sleep, I finally laid on my back and closed my eyes. The door of the bedroom was shut because it is hard for me to go to sleep with a lot of background noise. I remember hearing Letterman going through his nightly "Top 10" list even with the door closed.
For whatever reason, the muffled sound of the TV, or perhaps not really being tired enough to go to sleep quickly, I opened my eyes, and my sight focused on the foot of the bed. That is when it began to happen, a dark formless cloud began to rise above the end of the bed, and ever so slowly move across the covers toward me. When I first saw the cloud, I was intrigued. By the time it was half-way upon the bed, I became anxious. I noticed I couldn't move even though this cloud just kept coming toward me. Eventually, the cloud came to within a couple inches of my face, and I saw an evil face in the cloud. By that time, I knew by experience what it meant to be paralyzed by fear. It was as if I was frozen to that bed, I couldn't even scream. A voice came to my mind from the face and it said, "I can have you any time I want." Then just as slowly as it had approached me, it moved back over the end of the bed and the natural darkness of the unlit room returned to what it was when I first retired for the night.
If that was a dream, it was a dream I NEVER forgot. It seemed like a long time before my voice came back to me. Initially, I tried to cry out to SJ, albeit in vain. I remember later wondering why I didn't call out to Jesus. But the point is, who have I been listening to when I believe it is GOD speaking to me because of all the years of the eight since I've been saved, I've wondered.
I leave my job in Dec. of last year after a new store has been built and opened, and I'm working up to three hours every night off the clock to get it cleaned up before it opens the next day. I didn't leave because of the unpaid hours. I left because I was so tired on Sunday morning I couldn't get up to go to church. That was the last straw sort of speak. Then, when I get my last paycheck, I notice it is significantly shorter than I had anticipated. The company waited an additional two weeks to pay me for unused vacation time. That money runs out by mid January, so I cash out an IRA just to get by on. On the day I return to the bank to sign a form which should have been signed the day I closed the account, a man asks me to do some work for him. That gets me through mid to late February. In March I get the biggest federal refund I've ever had. And shortly after spending most of the money, I hear, "Hard times ahead," like a little whisper running beneath a stream of thought.
In April, I'm asked to rake a yard for a couple from church, about an acre or so. I've done it in the past and it is HARD! Then I hear the Lord say to me, "This is your seed." In other words, I don't get to keep any of it. Before May, the Lord blessed me with additional work which grossed out at $410. In May, I finally took a job, reluctantly, working at the Great Passion Play, and was laid off when it closed near the end of October. However, lest I forget, prior to receiving the refund check, I hear the Lord say to me during my prayer time, "(Person's Name) needs your help". The Lord spoke this to me five or six times this year.
About six weeks before the Play closed for the season, everyone was informed that unless enough money came into the organization before the end of the year, this was going to be the last season it would be open. A couple of weeks later, I asked the head man if the foundation made it a practice to give. He said, "Oh yes, we give hundreds of tickets away every year." That wasn't really what I was asking specifically, but I didn't elaborate at the time. One day I was watching "LIFE TODAY" with James and Betty Robison , and their guest for the program was Robert Morris (the pastor of Gateway Church) located somewhere in the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex. He wrote a book entitled "THE BLESSED LIFE". While I'm watching, I felt the Lord impressing me to get the book and have it sent to the head man at the Play.
If at all possible, when I know it is GOD speaking and telling me to do something of this nature, I will go out of my way to see it gets done without the receiver knowing I was the one who sent the gift. But in this particular case, I wrote a letter to the head man and told him he was going to be receiving the book in about four weeks. I also said the following: "I don't compare notes with those who believe they "hear" the Lord speaking to them, but there are two criteria when I'm pretty sure the Lord is speaking to me." And then I listed them: 1) It always seems to happen when I need the money, and 2) HE won't let me forget what HE told me to do.
I don't know what the Board of Directors used as a criteria for giving out of the proceeds from the ministry over the years, but I don't think free tickets qualifies when one needs a financial miracle from GOD. In November, the Board of Directors and the bank from whom they had borrowed a large sum of money came to a mutual agreement; the bank foreclosed on the property. In October, I asked the Lord about the financial situation before what happened came to pass, and I sincerely believe HE told me, "It will not die, it will survive." I guess we'll see.
Last year, just after I had left the convenience store, I heard the Lord say to me, "Restoration." After everything that has happened this year, I have no idea what was meant by that "word". Almost daily, I hear the Lord say to me, "Trust ME." You know, after GOD filled me with HIS Spirit in '04, I had a supernatural faith to the point of knowing no matter what everything was going to work out. I was so blessed those first few years. But ever so slowly, I found myself being confronted with fear and submitting to it, not to mention failing to heed the warnings of the HOLY SPIRIT. I had my faith on "autopilot" for so long I took a lot of things for granted. I never imagined I would be in such a state of spiritual desperation just for the basics. That is why I told GOD I wanted a 100 million dollars. I'm tired of giving out of my need. WHERE IS THE ABUNDANCE?! GOD forgive me, I have expressed my frustration to a few people, and it has been told to me what is so often mentioned, "There are a lot of rich people who are incredibly unhappy." I replied, "How many poor people do you know that love being poor?" I told GOD I hate being poor.
The Lord did do some amazing things this year for me personally. One day while cleaning up the amphitheater I asked the Lord for some money to buy some food to put in my stomach along with the ibuprofen because my back tends to ache when I have to stand on concrete for a long period of time. And I heard the Lord say, "How much do you want?" I said, "All I need is a couple of dollars." Not two minutes later, while proceeding through the rows to pick up trash missed from the night before, I looked down and saw a couple of bills; a dollar and a ten spot. PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you, GOD! You know that happened to me three or four other times when I really needed the money just to get to work the next day.
But there was one incident which truly rocked my world. Our pastor died suddenly in 2012. The leadership of the church took its time finding someone to replace him (I best leave that one alone). On the day the new pastor was to be presented for consideration, I was kneeling down in the pew praying during the praise and worship part of the service. Unbeknown to me, the pastor was sitting in the pew behind me. While praying, I asked the Lord when HE was coming back, and I heard come to mind, "Matt. 24:34". So I got up and looked at the scripture. I knelt back down, began to pray again, and I heard, "Your dad is coming home within three months." That was in August.
I was totally unnerved when I heard that come to mind. A month or two before that incident, the Lord prompted me to go forward and pray during the first part of the service. While at the prayer alter, I heard the words, "Wheat and chaff." I don't know what the significants of those two incidents are or even if they're connected. Absolutely beside myself when I heard the words pertaining to my dad, I got up from the pew and left the church crying. When I got to my vehicle, I was almost bawling. I said, "GOD, please don't take my dad. I will no longer have a father." And I heard the Lord say, "I'M your FATHER." No one in my immediate family has passed away to date including my dad. He is still with us. About six weeks later, however, our beloved four-legged friend died. And I thought later, did I misunderstand what was spoken to me. Three months after our beloved companion's passing, I still miss him. The Lord taught me a lot using him with regard to my relationship with the Lord. He was only seven or eight years old, no sign of anything wrong, and then one day he just stopped eating. I laid hands on the dog and believed GOD would heal him, but he died when I tried to pick him up to get him outside before going to work for the day.
It has been a year. As much as I'd like to say some things regarding the election, this letter is getting "long in the tooth". But for those who believe it was GOD's will our president was re-elected and like to use a passage from Daniel to make the point, I'd like to point out that the man is NOT a king. Further more, read Hosea 8:4. GOD is not going to approve of someone to lead this country who pays lip service to the Lord and then embraces and protects the rights of those to practice, "It is just a piece of tissue, I was born that way, and give up the land for peace". And no, I have not heard anyone else point this out. Our country has come to the place where a majority (apparently) have chosen to sin against GOD and call it a "right" and suggest this is true freedom. Does anyone honestly wonder why this country is over 16 trillion dollars in debt? Stupid, Stupid, STUPID!!!
Well, like I said...not much of a Christmas letter, but Jesus is still the ONE I want to be Lord of my life even in my own troubled time. Everyday, regardless of whether I go to church or not because they've done something which makes me wonder about them, I still spend time with the Lord in prayer praying for the unsaved, my family, the church, and Israel. And then I make time to spend reading the Bible. Because I'd rather have Jesus in my life than not.
Be Well and Be Blessed in the Name of Jesus.
P.S. No, I have not received a hundred million dollars, but I do believe the Lord told me HE will give it to me (hopefully not the day before HE comes back unless of course it is tomorrow in which case neither I nor those to whom I want to share it with will need it). |
