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 Pastimes | Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke


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To: ManyMoose who wrote (46319)2/19/2012 12:56:09 PM
From: High Grader
   of 51080
 
I think that could cause you a lot of trouble Many Moose.

bbc.co.uk 

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To: High Grader who wrote (46325)2/19/2012 2:23:08 PM
From: ManyMoose
   of 51080
 
I'm telling a joke on myself, OK?

Many's the time I would be on a field review of some Forest Service project in the woods. Sometimes I would have to pee, so I'd go around the bend of the road to get out of sight of the women in our group. Naturally they thought I was going to demonstrate something (which I usually announced beforehand), so I would turn around to find that one or two of them followed me.

Regarding the article, (not a joke, but don't ban me for it) I've heard that hemorrhoids are rare in India because the toilets there are set at the floor level so one has to squat. I believe this to be true. Does anybody know?

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To: ManyMoose who wrote (46326)2/19/2012 2:51:00 PM
From: Oblivious
   of 51080
 
Bob Crandall's return to American Airlines.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp-W4JwWOwg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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From: Debt Free2/19/2012 3:40:30 PM
7 Recommendations   of 51080
 
Why we love children

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one
warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat
belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader
handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out
of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room... When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this
line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible... He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK

TO BED

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To: ManyMoose who wrote (46326)2/19/2012 4:32:33 PM
From: Pogeu Mahone
4 Recommendations   of 51080
 
A man walks into Wal-Mart and the Greeter says, Welcome to Wal-Mart..


Automotive is on aisle 10. The man asks, How did you know I needed oil? The Greeter says, It’s my job.
Another guy walks in and he says, Welcome to Wal-Mart – Sporting Goods are on aisle 16. The guy asks, How’d you know I wanted a hunting rifle? The Greeter says, It’s my job – it’s what I do.” Then a woman walks in and the Greeter says, Welcome to Wal-Mart. Tampons are on aisle 3. The woman says, I’m not here for tampons – I need hemorrhoid cream. The Greeter says, Damn! Missed it by an inch!

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To: ManyMoose who wrote (46326)2/19/2012 4:36:59 PM
From: Pogeu Mahone
1 Recommendation   of 51080
 

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From: ManyMoose2/19/2012 6:05:52 PM
2 Recommendations   of 51080
 
All the places you can look forward to going in the coming years ...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

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To: Debt Free who wrote (46328)2/19/2012 6:23:22 PM
From: ManyMoose
1 Recommendation   of 51080
 
You heard about that poor guy who had excruciating headaches?

He went to the doctor, who poked around the man's groin and declared. "Sir, you need an operation to remove your testicles. They're under so much pressure they're causing those headaches."

The guy couldn't stand the headaches, so he gave the go ahead and the operation was performed.

He felt so much better he bragged about how good he felt. Somebody heard him bragging and asked "What was the problem?"

"Oh, I had excruciating headaches, but they're gone now." He was to shy to tell him about the operation.

"Yeah, I had those too. My doctor said my BVDs were too tight, so I switched to boxer shorts and the headaches went away!"

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From: ManyMoose2/19/2012 11:59:32 PM
7 Recommendations   of 51080
 
My 1st day of employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

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To: ManyMoose who wrote (46333)2/20/2012 11:58:29 AM
From: Oblivious
25 Recommendations   of 51080
 
Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy"

"Even after the 2010 Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints,

I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart.

I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.

Anybody who would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with

Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius".

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