Pastimes | Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke

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To: SmoothSail who wrote (46298)2/17/2012 5:47:48 PM
From: Mad2
1 Recommendation   of 50642

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase ...
"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and
these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin' me.'

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From: cole steel2/17/2012 6:52:01 PM
6 Recommendations   of 50642
Senior's Moment

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"

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To: PlayItDown™ who wrote (46297)2/17/2012 7:18:26 PM
From: Aggie
   of 50642

Good one. We should be so lucky, that all of these jokers would be stuck on an uncharted island in the middle of nowhere and no way to get off it.

The only way to improve upon this fantasy would be to increase the population by at least as many equally useful Democrats - about 50 should do it. Think "Munsters".

Keep Praying.


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To: Mad2 who wrote (46300)2/17/2012 9:07:20 PM
From: Oblivious
2 Recommendations   of 50642
I have to Snope that. LOL!!!

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To: PlayItDown™ who wrote (46297)2/18/2012 12:13:27 AM
From: dacoola
   of 50642
Whoa....Sarah got a new uplift bra.

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To: Aggie who wrote (46302)2/18/2012 1:45:14 AM
From: High Grader
   of 50642
We have a lot of politicians in Canada who could help out on that island. Baffin Island would be perfect IMHO.

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From: TechKim2/18/2012 1:29:26 PM
   of 50642
What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

Answer: Getting them back in the wheelchair.

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To: TechKim who wrote (46306)2/18/2012 2:17:24 PM
From: Stan
   of 50642
That would make them vegetarian cannibals.

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To: Stan who wrote (46307)2/18/2012 3:17:47 PM
From: High Grader
   of 50642
You should stick to fruits.

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To: High Grader who wrote (46308)2/18/2012 3:28:12 PM
From: ManyMoose
3 Recommendations   of 50642
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't..'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it

up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

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