Coffee Shop | LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE - Tell us a joke


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From: Doug Coughlan12/3/2007 8:02:04 PM
2 Recommendations   of 49006
 
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ”HILLBILLIES."



You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore :



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."



2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."



3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY."



4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."



5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."



6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."



2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."



3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."



4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."



5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."



6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

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To: Doug Coughlan who wrote (37845)12/4/2007 8:20:12 AM
From: JakeStraw   of 49006
 
How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

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From: Doug Coughlan12/4/2007 2:16:52 PM
   of 49006
 
Why you should never give a lottery ticket as a present.
video.aol.com 

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To: Doug Coughlan who wrote (37847)12/4/2007 3:20:53 PM
From: Jurgis Bekepuris   of 49006
 
Yeah, better give them some call options. :P

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From: Icebrg12/5/2007 10:48:27 AM
   of 49006
 
So, how about some football - the real stuff.

The Best of Football Idiots
youtube.com 

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To: Icebrg who wrote (37849)12/5/2007 6:42:06 PM
From: Gary H2 Recommendations   of 49006
 
Guys read this very carefully -




Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, et c. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?










Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down











The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

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From: stevenallen12/6/2007 1:13:35 AM
   of 49006
 
Warning - Groaner Alert!
PUNS
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4 BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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From: no name chump12/6/2007 11:58:47 AM
1 Recommendation   of 49006
 
Balducci's offers ham for Chanukah

nydailynews.com 

Thursday, December 6th 2007, 4:00 AM


Balducci's in Greenwich Village advertises tasty boneless spiral ham as 'Delicious for Chanukah.' Store blamed a clerk for the gaffe.

Oy vey! Pork for Chanukah?

The Greenwich Village gourmet grocery store, Balducci's, has become the butt of the Jewish holiday by advertising its boneless hams as "Delicious for Chanukah."

Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro, 46, spotted the kosher faux pas while browsing the meat section Saturday at the chain's outpost at Eighth Ave. and W. 14th St.

When Shapiro went back Sunday, she took photos of the unorthodox display promoting boneless spiral-cut hams for $8.99 a pound, petite smoked hams for $6.99 a pound and boneless smoked hams for $6.29 a pound.

Instead of pointing out the mistake to management, she posted the snapshots on her blog to "amuse others."

"I just thought it was funny," Shapiro, a self-described "unobservant Jew," said. "I wasn't offended in any way. I just thought, here's somebody who knows nothing about what Jews eat."

Shapiro said that when she went back to the store Tuesday, the first night of Chanukah, the signs had vanished.

A Balducci's official was so verklempt about the error he didn't want to speak on the record. He fessed up that "it was a mistake," blaming it on a stock clerk who normally doesn't work the meat department.

He referred all other questions to the company's marketing department in Connecticut.

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To: no name chump who wrote (37852)12/6/2007 12:07:15 PM
From: Neenny   of 49006
 
I remember making a comment one time to a Jewish friend of mine, I think suggested a ham sandwich. I think I went as far as to offer it with cheese!! And no, I don't currently work for Balducci's!!

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To: Neenny who wrote (37853)12/6/2007 12:11:23 PM
From: no name chump   of 49006
 
Thats not ham, that is corned beef!

You are too much Neenny.

len

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