Subject: Important Health Information
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system!
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a
green leafy vegetable and a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
then middle?
A: Def initely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?! HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!!
"It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets. Have a cookie...One more thing... "When life
hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt." |
