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 Pastimes | Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke


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To: Dr. Id who wrote (11267)9/2/1999 6:03:00 PM
From: Edwarda
   of 51586
 
***OT***

So not a joke. I had the rumor for several years about Clinton's being a user of coke.

I hold no brief for the man whatsoever, but it looks to me as though he suffers from rosacea, a skin disease that affected J. P. Morgan and W. C. Fields (the latter helping to foster the association with alcoholism).

I myself suffer from the damned disease, which can be controlled but is so far incurable. One is supposed to avoid anything that can make one flush--including very hot and cold weather, physical exertion, spicy foods, all stress. Think about the stress and physical exertion aspects (LOL)!

Could he be doing coke as well? Maybe, but he doesn't seem to have the "runny nose" symptom that can be a clue.

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To: Edwarda who wrote (11343)9/2/1999 8:37:00 PM
From: Kenneth V. McNutt
   of 51586
 


A nine year boy and his four year old brother enter a drug store and proceed to pick up a box of Tampons. When they take them to the clerk she inquires " Are these for your mother?"
The nine year old replies. "No, not my mother."
"Are these for your sister?"
"No, not My sister."
The clerk, now very curious inquires "Well, who are they for."
"My little brother." is the reply.
"But, Why."
"On TV they say with these you can ride a bike and swim, and he can't do either."

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To: Kenneth V. McNutt who wrote (11345)9/2/1999 10:06:00 PM
From: george wood
   of 51586
 
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,
"Ready! ... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her
forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"




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To: george wood who wrote (11346)9/3/1999 8:17:00 AM
From: John Carragher
   of 51586
 
Two For One

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune
and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

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To: 2brasil who wrote (11341)9/3/1999 9:19:00 AM
From: Ken O'Connor
   of 51586
 
Here are the others..........

> > If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969.
> >
> > If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a
> > representative comes on the line.
> >
> > If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
>
> > date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
> >
> > If you have short-term memory loss press 9
> > If you have short-term memory loss press 9
> > If you have short-term memory loss press 9
> > If you have short-term memory loss press 9
> >
> > If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are
> too
> > busy to talk to you.
> > If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
> > mother ship.

Regards

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To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (11327)9/3/1999 10:26:00 AM
From: Edwarda
   of 51586
 
From a San Diego father who has identified
35 truths he learned from his children:

1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy
wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20' room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up
several times before you get a hit.

8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh”,
it is already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke—lots of it.

13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball
shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.

16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft
house almost 4 inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same
sentence.

20. Super Glue is forever.

21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22. So can Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't
walk on water.

24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials
show they do.

26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.

29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
(....unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)





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To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (11327)9/3/1999 10:38:00 AM
From: Edwarda
   of 51586
 
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
 Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
 Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Anonymous

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,we go to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline-it helps if you have some kind of a football team,or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

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To: Edwarda who wrote (11349)9/3/1999 10:47:00 AM
From: MrsNose
   of 51586
 
50 Fun Things for Teachers to Do on the First Day of Class

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending Advanced Geometry and mention that yesterday was the
last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lesson through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Teacher can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to teach the lesson, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

10. Stop in mid-lesson, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
questions.

15. Start the class by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next class. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you
as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm".

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name,rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the class is over when the bottle's done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and singing an Elvis song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

30. Devote your math lesson to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lesson on output format statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee"
and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teacher's assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38. Have a senior student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you teach.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the flunk".

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lessons that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lesson to oral
hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49. Show up to class in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

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To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (11255)9/3/1999 10:51:00 AM
From: Edwarda
   of 51586
 
T-shirts for Women who take no crap!
1 - I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2 - Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3 - Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4 - Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
5 - Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6 - I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7 - Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. ****Personal Fav.****
8 - You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
9 - Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10 - Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
11 - I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12 - Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
13 - I hate everybody, and you're next.
14 - Please don't make me kill you.
15 - And your point is...
16 - I used to be schizophrenic, but WE'RE ok now.
17 - All stressed out and no one to choke.
18 - I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
19 - How can I miss you if you won't go away?
20 - Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

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To: MrsNose who wrote (11351)9/3/1999 11:07:00 AM
From: Edwarda
   of 51586
 
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ON THE HIGHWAYS:
---------------------------------------------
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.......
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Tow-ers will be violated"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

And.............
"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"

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