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To: Tomato who started this subject	5/19/2004 9:40:41 AM
From: Ian@SI	1 Recommendation of 2300

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

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To: Ian@SI who wrote (501)	5/19/2004 9:43:22 AM
From: Ian@SI	of 2300

Headaches Doctor, Doctor! A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything without success. One day, she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything." The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!

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To: Ian@SI who wrote (502)	5/23/2004 2:56:36 AM
From: Tomato	of 2300

Subject: Actual Personals from Israeli Newspapers Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. Orthodox woman with get (Jewish divorce), seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks Companion for living life in the "fast" lane. Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in a woman. Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful buisnessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties

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To: Sam Citron who wrote (504)	6/2/2004 10:08:39 PM
From: The Philosopher	of 2300

It was funnier when it was told about Clinton and his affair with Monica. OJ: Did you know that... * Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. * 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. * Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. * 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. * 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. * 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs). * The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. * 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. * 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. * 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. * 91% of us lie regularly. * 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. * 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. * 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. * 90% believe in divine retribution. * 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. * 82% believe in an afterlife. * 45% believe in ghosts. * 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. * 29% of us are virgins when we marry. * 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. * 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. * Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old. * 35% give to charity at least once a month. * How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder. * 69% eat the cake before the frosting. * When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. * 85% of us will eat Spam this year. * 70% of us drink orange juice daily. * Snickers is the most popular candy. * 22% of us skip lunch daily. * 9% of us skip breakfast daily. * 66% of us eat cereal regularly. * 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries. * 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. * Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. * 45% use mouthwash every day. * 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. * The typical shower is 101 degrees F. * Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair. * 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. * 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. * 58% of women paint their nails regularly. * 62% of us pop our zits. * 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?) * 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. * 57% have had deja vu. * 49% believe in ESP. * 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. * The average girl starts her period at age 12. * 44% have broken a bone. * Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. * 14% have attended a self-help meeting. * 15% regularly go to a shrink. * 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. + 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to AWAYS find it up. * 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. * 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. * 23.5% admit they don't always flush. * 45.2% pee in the shower. * 44.9% pee in the ocean. * 28.1% pee in the pool. * 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing the toilet. * 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. * 17% have been caught by the host. * 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. * 29% of us ignore RSVP. * 71.6% of us eavesdrop. * 22% are functionally illiterate. * Less than 10% are trilingual. * 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. * 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. * 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. * 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. * 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. * 40% of us have had music lessons. * 44% reuse tinfoil. * 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. * 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. * 53% read their horoscopes regularly. * 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). * 59% of us say we're average-looking. * Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful. * 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. * 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers. * 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. * 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. * On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. * 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. * 2 out of 5 have married their first love. * The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. * Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. * 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. * 6% propose over the phone. * 71% can drive a stick-shift car. * 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. * 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. * 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. * 12% of men never use their car blinkers. * 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. * 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. * 4 out of 5 sing in the car. Now, how normal are you??

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To: Tomato who started this subject	6/6/2004 11:36:56 PM
From: Tomato	of 2300

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners... I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bathtub toys were a toaster and radio. I'm so ugly... my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I'm so ugly.. when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide" My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the clinic because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times three of those times I was reading it. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

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