That's great. My sides hurt even more now....|
Dilbert Newsletter 26.0
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Date: October 1999
- Crackpot Theory
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Dilbert TV Show Premiere - New Night
Here's a short newsletter mostly to tell you of the revised night
of the Dilbert TV season premiere in the U.S.
As you know, after Dogbert conquers the planet, the people who
subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter will become Dogbert's New
Ruling Class. Those who are not in the DNRC (the Induhviduals)
will be our domestic servants. When that day comes, DNRC members
can pick their own professions. I plan to become a crackpot.
Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low.
No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.
My particular field of crackpot expertise will be physics. I think
it will be easy to blend in with the real physicists. In physics,
lots of accepted theories make no sense and no one seems to care.
Luckily I have unkempt hair and I wear glasses. Add those
qualities to my complete lack of social skills and I'm practically
a scientist already.
Did you know that if you got in a rocket ship and raced a beam of
light, the light would always be faster than you by exactly the
speed of light, no matter how fast you went? It sounds like a
crackpot idea but it's Einstein's theory. Most scientists agree
that Einstein is right even though it makes no sense.
Einstein also figured out that time is slower for things that move
fast. In my ongoing quest to win the Nobel Prize without doing
anything hard, I have developed a crackpot theory for why
fast-moving things have slower time.
Imagine an object moving between two points. The normal view is
that the object occupies each and every position on its path until
it reaches its destination. But the number of possible positions
between any two points is infinite. Does it make sense that an
object could occupy infinite positions in space in a finite period
Let's say no, or else my crackpot theory falls apart.
Under my crackpot theory, objects actually disappear and then
reappear along their path. They only seem to move because it
happens so quickly. Slow objects pop into existence slightly ahead
of their last position. Fast objects pop into existence far ahead
of where they were last; that's what makes them seem fast. So for
any given distance, the fast-moving objects pop into existence
fewer times along the path, like a long-legged runner who needs
A fast-traveling clock, for example, would have less time in
existence to tick. If you could see it whizzing past you, it would
Obviously all of this popping in and out of existence would have to
be happening so fast we can't notice or measure it.
It might seem impossible that objects pop in and out of existence.
But physicists know that's exactly what happens in the super-tiny
quantum world. Matter jumps in and out of existence continually.
Although large objects don't play by the same rules as the quantum
world, the squirrelliness of the tiny world makes you question what
you really know about anything.
As with most of my theories, this one doesn't hold up to close
scrutiny, but it's surprisingly resilient to casual criticism.
Take your best shot. I won't be able to respond to all your e-mail
telling me why my theory is wrong, but I'll read them all.
Pranks On Induhviduals
Here's the best DNRC prank ever.
A co-worker of mine has SETI@home running on his computer. This is
software, distributed by SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial
Intelligence), that will run on PCs as a screen saver and analyze
chunks of data from a radio telescope looking for non-naturally
occurring signals from outer space. The other day I copied the SETI
analysis screen to Microsoft Paint and then edited it to contain a
large alert message stating that ET signals had been discovered. I
also drew in a button that he could use to "Notify SETI
Immediately." I left this image on his screen with a "red alert"
sound running in the background.
When he returned to his desk he was ecstatic to see that he had
found ET life. He called another co-worker over to witness the
historic moment. Then he clicked the button and discovered what I'd
He's now looking for an opportunity to slay me so this may be my
last message to you.
MORE SPORTS FOR INDUHVIDUALS
This report from a DNRC operative describes another ideal sport for
...I am glad to report there is a sport called Mexican Poker. This
sport takes place in an arena where Induhviduals sit around a card
table pretending to play poker while an angry bull charges the
table, knocking them around and goring them! The last Induhvidual
left sitting wins about $200.
Editor's note: I had not heard of this sport before but it has
great potential. I hope plans are already underway to form a Pee
True Tales From Corporate Life
A co-worker got up during a meeting and announced, "We haven't
gotten very far collecting data, but since we had this presentation
today, we made some assumptions, borrowed some information from
another study, applied a cost for power that we know is wrong, and
calculated costs anyway. None of the numbers are right but this
will show you how it would work if we had real numbers, kind of..."
After explaining that she was going to spend the next half hour
talking about what they would do if they had "real" data she
slipped the bombshell in, "If these assumptions somehow proved to
be correct then the cost of power production losses would be about
$200 million... but until we have real numbers we won't really
We sat in stunned silence while she asked if there were any
True Tales Of Induhviduals At Large
Induhviduals continue to amuse us. Here are the latest reports
from DNRC operatives:
I was at a store this morning. I overheard two employees talking.
One woman said, "Hey, what's Dave's last name?"
The other said, "Dave who?"
I eat at a restaurant that has an ice cream sundae bar where
customers can add their own toppings. Today I found TONGS in all
three vats of syrup toppings. Upon complaining to my server, I
found out her boss set up the bar that day because an employee was
Editor's note: Later the boss swept out the kitchen using only a
I went to the bagel shop and asked, "Can I have 3 bagels in 2 bags
please?" The "clerk" said, "How many do you want in each bag?"
Editor's note: The correct answer to get a free bagel would have
A cashier at the store was on the phone talking with someone who
apparently asked her to spell something. The cashier said, "That's
'B' as in...", looking around for an item that started with a 'B',
she noticed her own name tag bearing the name BRENDA and continued,
" 'B' as in BRENDA."
Waiting a moment for the person to write it down she continued on
"That would be 'D' as in..." looking around again, she finished
with "'D' as in bren-DA."
I was helping my Dad with a construction job when he decided we
would need a truck to move all of the dirt and rocks we had dug out
of the foundations. A rather brilliant construction worker came up
with the idea that we should just, "Dig a hole and bury it."
Our city dump charges $15 per cubic yard. I took my old sofa to
the dump. The Induhvidual in the little shack said, "That'll be
$70." I protested that my little sofa wasn't nearly large enough
to cost $70. He said, "Yeah, but the truck could hold much more."
There were charging me to throw away air.
After berating him and the next three levels of management I took
the sofa home, sawed it into small pieces, put it out by the curb
and had them take it away for free.
Editor's note: A new technology has been developed to eliminate
exactly the problem described in that sighting. It's call eBay.
I told my dry cleaner that I would like the overnight service and
asked how much more it would cost. She informed me that it was the
same price as the four-day service. I just needed the "Express
She pulled out the Express Bag form, filled it out, attached it to
the bag and handed it to me. She put my outfit on a rack behind
I asked her if the outfit didn't need to go into the bag. She
said, "No, I will just put a note on it."
I walked out with my empty "Express Bag" and the form filled out in
its entirety. I left behind the outfit to be cleaned. The outfit
was cleaned as requested. I still have no idea what I am supposed
to do with this bag.
One time when I was little, my dad was doing the laundry and he
noticed that the basket in the washing machine wasn't spinning. He
called the repairman to fix the machine. The repairman charged my
dad $35 to let him know that the basket will not move if the lid is
DNRC Golden Child Found
I'm not sure why the DNRC needs a Golden Child, but if we ever do,
this report suggests we have found one.
We were in our car when my 2 1/2 year-old daughter requested that I
play a song from a CD. Once it was finished she wanted to hear it
again. I told her no, but she insisted. I asked her if she knew
who the boss was. She replied, "I am the boss!" I corrected her
by saying, "No, I am the boss." She answered by saying, "No, I am
the boss. You are Dilbert."
Needless to say, I gave up at that point and played the song again.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail. These are based on real
e-mail to me.
A friend of mine interviewed for an engineering job and was asked,
"If you could be any animal in the world, what would you choose and
why?" He answered, "A German Shepherd because they are
mild-mannered and loyal animals." He didn't get the job.
What is the right answer to this question?
Dear Name Withheld,
The correct answer is "I would like to be a jackass who asks people
what kind of animal they would be. It seems like easy work."
Dear Mr. Adams,
Our son, Jason, has earned his Eagle rank in the Boy Scouts of
America. I'm sure he would really appreciate a brief e-mail from
you congratulating him on his success. We'd appreciate anything
you might be able to say.
By now you probably figured out that the Boy Scouts is a dangerous
cult. Your parents are part of the conspiracy. When your training
is complete you will be picked up by an alien vessel and
transported to a planet where fires can only be started by boys in
green pants rubbing sticks together. Your only hope of staying on
this planet is to use your knot-making skills to tie yourself to a
Oh, and congratulations.
Dilbert TV Show
In the last newsletter I gave you the wrong season premiere date
for the U.S. showing of the Dilbert TV show.
The correct season premiere night for the Dilbert TV show is
November 2nd at 8 PM Eastern, 7 pm Central. It's moved to Tuesday
nights, still on UPN. Mark your calendar now.
If you missed some of the episodes last season you'll see a few of
them in that time slot before November 2nd.
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic, TV show or Newsletter. The best comic
fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations
of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended
management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
email@example.com. Short ones are better.
- Celebrate Halloween with Dilbert
The perfect Halloween disguises are now in the Dilbert Store: The
Dilbert mask and candy tin -
and the Pointy-Haired Boss wig -
Treat yourself to character-shaped Accomplish-Mints(TM),
Improve-Mints(TM), Manage-Mints(TM) and Perform-Mints(TM), packaged in
Complete your party with the Dilbert party pack:
*** Special DNRC-only Offer!***
Complete your DNRC wardrobe: with any purchase of $50 or more in
the Dilbert Store through 10/13/1999, get a FREE DNRC polo shirt!
(Regular store freebies will be added if the order amount qualifies
This DNRC offer will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To get
it, you need to follow this DNRC-only link:
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