OT - some humor to pass the time on another dull day....
>
> Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game
> when one notices the other has a massive cork embedded in his ass.
> "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
> uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" "I cannot," lamented the first
> Arab. "It is permanently implanted."
> "I do not understand," said the other.
> The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
> oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American
> flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, "I am
> Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
> I said, "No Shit."
> A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball
> player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They
> start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo
> that says "REEBOK".
> "What's that?" the lady questions.
> "Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo and
> Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a
> tattoo that says "NIKE".
> "What's that?" the lady questions again.
> "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
> Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says
> "AIDS".
> "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
> "No, no! Calm down," the man replies, "this will say ADIDAS in a minute."
> Only in America
> 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance.
> 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
> skating rink.
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
> back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> cigarettes at the front.
> 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
> and a diet coke.
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
> pens to the counters.
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
> driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. >
> 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
> then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
> to talk to in the first place. >
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
> packages of eight. >
> 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
> process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and tics mean blood sucking
> creatures'. >
> 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.
>
> EVER WONDER
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
> with real lemons?
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
> ------------------
>
> In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
> stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
> On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
> (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
> On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
> Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> (and that would be how???....)
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down"
> (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
> (...and you thought????...)
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
> (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
> after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
> construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> head-colds off those forklifts.)
> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (and...I'm taking this because???....)
> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
> (as opposed to...what)?
> On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
> (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
> On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
> (talk about a news flash)
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet eat
> nuts."
> (Step 3: maybe, uh ... fly Delta?)
> On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
> to fly."
> (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>
> A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer
> to "Where do pets come from?"
> Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
> every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is
> difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
> And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
> with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
> you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
> childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
> are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
> And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was
> a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
> with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
> And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
> and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No
> problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
> love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
> call him DOG."
> And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
>
> And they were comforted.
> And God was pleased.
> And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
>
> After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
> "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
> like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
> taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
> And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be
> with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will
> remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
> always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam
> and Eve.
> And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
> they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve
> learned humility.
> And they were greatly improved.
> And God was pleased.
> And Dog was happy.......................................................
>
> And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
>
> Olie and Lena were applying for a wedding license and were answering
> questions asked by the clerk. "Lena, how old are you?"
> Lena answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
> Next the clerk asked, "Lena, how tall are you?" Lena stated, "I'm yust
> about six feet tall."
> "And how much do you weigh, Lena?" was the next question. "I weigh yust
> about 235 pounds."
> "Wow," exclaimed the clerk, "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay
> Packers!!"
> "Oh no," answered Lena, "I yust play with Olie's packer."
> A Girl's Prayer:
> Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
> One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy is thick and long.
> One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait
> weeks.
> I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, won't be
> annoyed.
> Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
> Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows just what to say,
> when I ask "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a
> twitchin, in the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
> I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to shag my
> best friend.
> And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.
> Amen.
>
> A Boy's Prayer:
> Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.
> Amen
> Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
> students put on his boots? He was really struggling, so she began pulling
> and him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, after
> several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had
> worked up a sweat.
> She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the
> wrong feet."
> She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
> boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
> together they worked to get the boots back on-this time on the right feet.
> He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
> She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
> didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help
> him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
> He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
> She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and
> courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
> "Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"
> He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
> A pretty young lass had just joined the golf club, and Greg offered to give
> her some instruction. He stood close behind her and showed her how grip the
> club and how to swing back and forward.
> Their moving bodies caused the zipper on his fly to get caught in the
> zipper of her skirt. They were stuck fast together. Slowly they were
> moving towards the club house to get assistance, when suddenly a big brown
> dog jumped out from behind a bush and threw a bucket water over them.
>
> It can buy a House...............But not a Home
> It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep
> It can buy a Clock................But not Time
> It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
> It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
> It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
> It can buy you Blood............But not Life
> It can buy you Sex..............But not Love
> So you see money isn't everything.
> And it often causes pain and suffering.
> I tell you all this because...........
> I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and
> suffering..............
> So please send me all your money......and I will suffer for you.
> CASH ONLY PLEASE
> Thought this was gonna be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't
> you????
> 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
>
> "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
> 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
>
> Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
> prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
> into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
> don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
> should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
> electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
> that's hooked up to the generator.
> 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
>
> My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
> noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
> "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their
> territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
> scent out of your clothes.
> 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
>
> Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
> morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
> are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
> because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
> 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
>
> You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
> you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs
> 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I
> feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I
> DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for
> what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone
> sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
> 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
>
> My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
> use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be-Jesus
> Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun
> of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
> 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
>
> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
> Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
> entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
> gave you for your birthday.
> 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
>
> Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
> answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
> now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
> Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
> positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
> 9. Andy Rooney on Research:
>
> Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
> implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
> believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
> wandering around with huge br**sts and er*ctions...who can't remember what
> to do with them. |
