|Dear Colbert S. Uperpacmembers, |
Spring is a time of renewal -- you can see it through our office windows, our windshields, and our televisions tuned to Nat Geo programs featuring hardcore animal humping. The next generation is being born. And the same is true in the world of Super PACs.
A few weeks ago, I unveiled the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack, a limited-edition kit to help the next generation form Super PACs. Finally, college students could get their political voices heard on a national stage, not just at Thanksgiving Dinner where they get in a shouting match with Uncle Jack that makes Aunt Noreen cry.
Nation, I am proud to announce that all 1,000 Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Packs sold out in less time than it would take you to say "Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack," repeatedly for a week. And now, they've been delivered to college campii across the country.
Both presidential candidates have been making cheap attempts to pander to the youth, which merely comes off as fake, or "whack." They're too little, too late, while Colbert Super PAC is neither little nor late -- we're large and now. And with a thousand unaffiliated Super PAC tentacles stretching to colleges across this land, my power (like your student loan debts) will only grow.
Each kit features a decoder ring, secret clues, elaborate ciphers, and a map to find a hidden treasure. That treasure? A sense of accomplishment.
…and a 101-year-old sterling silver antique turtle which, when touched, makes a beautiful chime. It's far superior to a 101-year-old actual turtle that, when touched, gives you 101-year-old salmonella.
Whichever Super PAC Super Founder super-finds it first will also get a visit to their college campus by a man famous for his many television and email-newsletter appearances: Stephen T. Colbert.
So, lace up your treasure-hunting-shoes, because the game is afoot. Let the best man, woman, or corporation-legally-defined-a-person win.
President and Chief Enigma Machinist
Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow